I was pregnant again, and I thought, Perfect timing! This will mean the baby will be born in July or August right along with our other most recent children’s births, with two years between each birth. It felt just right. Then I began to bleed, and it didn’t stop.

The Story of My Unexpected Early Loss

The loss happened so early, I could have missed it if I hadn’t been paying attention to the signs: I had been charting and my period was more than a week late; I took two pregnancy tests after that on separate days, which each revealed a faint positive line; when I afterwards began to bleed I was watching for anything out of the ordinary and noticed a clump of tissue which didn’t appear like the jelly-type globs of blood I’d seen before, but more like a stretchy membrane with blood in it.

Perhaps because this occurred so early in the pregnancy, I was sad but not devastated. I hadn’t had time to develop a deep sense of attachment. Neither did I experience the discouragement and helpless feeling of inadequacy that many women feel after multiple losses, since this was the first time this had ever happened to me (that I’m aware of). I just wondered, Why?

This led my husband and I to question the blood pressure medications he’d been taking after experiencing a health emergency the year before. Could those medications have been affecting his reproductive health? After doing some research, we found that they certainly could, and most likely were. We had known something was off, but we had thought it was a result of recovering from his emergency. It was very disappointing that no one had mentioned these important side affects to us.

Do we know for sure it was the medications’ fault? No. It could just as easily have been something off with me (I was 41 at the time). But one thing we do know, which is very telling: a little more than a month after stopping his medications he was completely back to normal in this area. It was such a relief to know there was something we could do about it! He is now seeing a naturopath and taking natural (and effective) supplements for his health.

Not long after making the switch to a natural healthcare approach for him, I became pregnant again. We were so happy! I had prayed for another baby, if it was the Lord’s will. But I was a little worried. Would I lose this one, too?

Thankfully, I’m now in my third trimester, and everything is going well! We’re looking forward excitedly to Birth #11 (though this will be Baby #12 for us). And instead of a birth in July, we’re expecting a birth in November, close to Thanksgiving. During the first part of the pregnancy I did feel discouraged, owing to constant exhaustion. But I’ve thankfully moved past that (though I’m still tired most of the time) and am grateful for the chance to receive another sweet little one from the Lord.

The midwife I was seeing at the time of the loss (the same midwife I’d had for eight pregnancies) told me the loss was too early to be considered a “miscarriage.” I think she was trying to comfort me, but I felt as though she was minimalizing the death of our baby, which I resented. Coming from her, I believe she meant well, but I wish she would have approached it differently. I’m now seeing a different midwife, but not for that reason; we simply couldn’t afford to do self-pay again this time, so we needed to look for another option which would accept my insurance.

The hospital I’m planning to give birth at is an hour away, which makes me feel a little nervous (I don’t want to make it too late and give birth in the car!). But, this is what we feel we need to do this time, and we believe God is with us and is working in this situation. The healthcare seems high quality, and after visiting the hospital for a tour of their birthing ward, we feel comfortable with this place.

So far, I’ve had three hospital births and seven home births. Of those home births, six were water births. So, things will be a bit different this time, though not outside of my experience.

We never named the one we lost, but I believe he or she is waiting for us in heaven, and we will one day have the blessing of embracing and getting to know this child. God called him or her home while still in the womb, and that was His will, though I don’t understand why He let it happen this way. Not all pregnancies end with a happy earthly outcome, but they all deserve to be honored, as each child is a precious gift from the Lord. Each person has an eternal soul (we believe this is given at the moment of conception, at the same time the physical DNA is formed), so the heavenly outcome will always be happy.

David said about the baby he lost, “But now he is dead, wherefore [why] should I fast? can I bring him back again? I shall go to him, but he shall not return to me” (2 Samuel 12:23). His words certainly give us hope that we will see our little ones again! Their loss is not in vain.

This point leads into the rest of the article. I said it was “God’s will” that we lost our baby, but I can imagine someone else saying that it was the fault of the medications my husband was taking (or perhaps something else). And that was related to a human decision. When my husband stopped taking the medications and we later conceived, that was again related to a human decision. Yes, I agree that there is a merging between God’s will and our decisions. How much He allows us to interact with His divine plans, I don’t know, because ultimately, He is in charge. However, this begs the question: If we are supposed to surrender our fertility to the Lord (as I constantly claim on this blog), are we allowed to do things to help achieve conception? If we do something to help achieve it, isn’t that as much a form of “meddling” with God’s plan as preventing a pregnancy would be? What’s the difference? Is there a difference?

In fact, I recently received a thoughtful question on this very topic from a sweet lady who viewed one of my YouTube videos. She asked if it was okay to do things to help ourselves conceive, and if we did end up conceiving, how much credit should we be allowed to take for it? Great questions. You can read my response below.

Should We Interfere with Conception by “Helping God Out”?

My answer on YouTube:

Hi! I would say that doing healthy things to help achieve pregnancy (like coming together on fertile days, using helpful herbs, etc.) is a positive action. One where we are actively trying to receive a good gift from God. It’s like preparing the field to be ready for the rain, if God sends it. Of course, we must still trust Him for the outcome. We don’t “deserve” a child to the point that anything is acceptable (IVF, surrogacy, etc.) in order to become pregnant or have a child. And you’re right; if we do become pregnant there should be no pride, since conception is from God and not merely a result of our own efforts. On the other hand, actively doing something to reject a child (avoiding relations on the fertile days, using birth control, for example) is a negative action that contradicts what God’s word says about the blessing of children and the mandate to “be fruitful and multiply.” It’s like intentionally ruining a field or leaving it unprepared on purpose because we don’t appreciate the gift of rain. So, I would not put doing things to achieve pregnancy and doing things to avoid it in the same category.
~Jessica

I’d also like to add that by having an open womb, most of us (who follow this biblical conviction) aren’t “trying to have as many children as possible.” Of course we weren’t meant to constantly be pregnant! There are natural, God ordained rhythms, such as the infertile phases of the menstrual cycle, the postpartum period, and lactational amenorrhea (cessation of cycles for a period of time while breastfeeding) that naturally interfere with getting pregnant. These are normal and provide a natural cushion between children.

There are also natural, daily life situations such as work schedules, tiredness, sickness, not feeling like it, etc. that naturally prevent coming together as often as one might like. Notice I’ve used the word “natural” many times. I’ll use it one more time.

These things provide natural gaps; there is no need to provide additional, artificial gaps through birth control or NFP (Natural Family Planning) that would intentionally block the gift of children. (And yes, just in case you were wondering, NFP is very un-natural to the woman’s sex drive and the way God designed her body, and is contrary to His intentions for intimacy in marriage.)

But neither should we feel guilty about helping things along by, in a sense, “preparing the field” to receive the rain, just in case it does. Yes, this could potentially get out of hand and lead to our trying to take total control, which is wrong. It could lead to a prideful attitude if we believe that as a result of our own efforts we’ve achieved that pregnancy. And it could lead to disappointment if we don’t achieve a pregnancy, even after all the effort. God is still sovereign over conception! But when we do helpful things with an attitude of trust, I believe this is biblical and acceptable. Even good.

We can live life, with all its unavoidable interruptions and with its natural rhythms, coming together when we’re able to and desire it, and trust God with the outcome of that — whether that means conception of a new child or not.

And this ties in well to the story I shared at the beginning of this article. Instead of my husband continuing to take the medications he had been taking, we decided to make a different choice that would hopefully help solve the issue we had noticed. We didn’t just let things stay the way they were. This was a positive action meant to help him be more healthy. I would say that if I were the one with a health issue, I would take the same approach: I would do things to naturally improve my health.

We can surrender our fertility to the Lord and be open to His will for our womb, and at the same time take measures to improve our health and make conception more likely.

This is not the same as attempting to control things through birth control or NFP, as I described earlier in my response to the lady who sent me a comment. God wants us to be healthy. He wants us to take good care of our bodies. No, He doesn’t want us to prevent children (read the Bible and you’ll see He never mentions this once), so sometimes we will have to accept an outcome (such as I experienced with an early loss) that brings us sadness and pain. Throughout everything, we must trust His wisdom for our lives.

God knows all, and He can see things in the future that we haven’t even imagined. If He takes something from us, it’s for a good reason. If He lets us go through trials, it’s for a good reason. If He sends us another child (with all the difficulties that may accompany this), it’s for a good reason. We can put our lives in His hands, knowing He will never misuse our gift of trust. And it is acceptable to “help Him out” by doing positive things for our health, while believing that the outcome is ultimately up to Him, and accepting whatever He chooses for us and our family.

By the way, this is a good time to mention that I believe charting our fertility signs can be helpful. I don’t believe in misusing this information in order to practice NFP, but it can be useful in knowing what’s going on with our bodies and to be aware of a possible pregnancy. If I hadn’t been charting, I don’t think I would have guessed I was pregnant, and I would not have taken those pregnancy tests. Did it really help me to know? Perhaps not. And yet, I’m glad that I do. I can look forward to seeing our little one in heaven one day.

Here’s a book I recommend for learning how to chart fertility signs. It’s not from a Christian perspective, but it is very thorough. I’ve read it twice:

(Amazon affiliate link)

If you have any book recommendations (charting, dealing with pregnancy loss, helping to achieve pregnancy naturally, etc.) I’d sure appreciate them!

And if you’d like to read my birth stories, you can see them here: Birth Stories

So, what do you think? I welcome you to share your thoughts on the topic of achieving pregnancy while having an open womb, in the comment section below.

~Jessica