Navigating Modesty Standards in Christianity

Today I answered a reader’s question about how to interact with other Christians who don’t share our modesty standards. I think her question addresses a common issue for Christian families who are “non-conformist” when it comes to attire and are trying to be more modest than “what’s out there.” I’m posting my answer below, while keeping her completely anonymous. If you have any advice you’d like to share afterward in the comments, that would be great!

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Question:

Hello again Mrs. Roldan,

I just finished reading your blog post on modesty for your children. I agree with the standards you have in place for your children and we practice those as well.

I would appreciate your thoughts on how to interact with Christian relatives who don’t have similar standards of modesty for themselves or their children.

Answer:

Good to hear from you again! I appreciate your question about modesty, as it is something I’ve had to think about, too. Here are a few things I’ve considered as I’ve navigated this issue myself. Most of these examples aren’t specific to a family setting, but rather address more general scenarios.

I’ve had to define what I can and can’t live with, and in what context.

Example of “what I can and can’t live with”: Can I live with my children seeing a woman in shorts that are merely tight but that give full coverage? Or . . . Can I live with my children seeing a woman in booty shorts (really short shorts)? 

Example of “in what context”: Can I live with my children seeing a woman in booty shorts at the grocery store? Or . . . Can I live with my children seeing a woman in booty shorts at church?

This type of clothing is inappropriate anywhere you go, but it seems to me that at church, the spiritual damage may be heightened. At the store, we can usually just look away. But at church, if the woman is sitting right in front of us while we’re trying to worship, we can’t just walk away, and a time that should be spent in praise is now spent trying to avoid looking at the lady’s bottom.

I know that people say church is a “hospital for sinners,” but it is more than that: it is a place for us to grow together as believers — to support, encourage, and fellowship as we renew our commitment together before God. I don’t think it’s okay to allow anything that would distract us from that. If there were an ongoing problem like this in our church, I might want to bring it up to the leaders. If they didn’t choose to address it, I might even consider moving to another church.

I’ve had to live with things that aren’t ideal for the sake of “getting along.”

Example of putting up with something not ideal: Let’s say that someone wears pants too tight for my preference. I usually overlook this because I know how common it is.

It’s not “extreme” behavior (most people, even non-believers, will admit that booty shorts are pretty revealing — but full-length pants being tight is something that many people will have trouble seeing a problem with). Sure, I would love for all Christian families to wear loose-fitting, modest pants, if they’re going to wear pants at all. But, tight pants, though not ideal, are so common I feel I don’t have much of a choice but to put up with it.

I’ve had to remind myself that I used to be that way, too.  

Apart from those things I feel I “can’t live with,” I have decided to put up with differences in opinion over clothing choices. I try to have grace for others by remembering that I was sometimes immodest in my younger days. I didn’t see my clothing choices as a problem, and it took awhile for that to change. I pray for God to change people’s hearts. 

On occasion (and this happens very rarely), I’ve felt the need to say something.

This is definitely the hardest thing to do, at least for me. The lashback can sometimes be severe. You really have to prepare yourself to be “hated.” I’ve realized that most people aren’t humble and teachable (and let’s be honest: we ourselves aren’t often humble and teachable, either). But this seems to be especially true when it comes to their looks. A comment about their appearance being “wrong” can lead to their feeling attacked, even if we do our best to say things as gently as possible. We have to ask ourselves if the issue at hand is worth it. If we do decide that it is worth it, we have to prepare ourselves to be strong.

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I find it useful to remember that I’m a “gentlewoman.” I don’t need to wrangle over this issue; if other people don’t want to listen after I’ve done my best to gently instruct them, then I don’t argue with them. I continue to dress myself in a way that is beautifully modest and joyfully feminine, and be the change I want to see in others. I lead by example. I remember that their hearts are in God’s hands, and that convincing every Christian person to be modest is not my burden to bear. Those who want to hear, will hear.

~Jessica