I didn’t use to think I could be the Best Mom. I thought I could be a “good enough” mom — but best? Not for someone with my sort of personal struggles. I didn’t dare hope for that much.
Recently, I read an article written by a dad who said he always wanted to be the greatest dad his kids could possibly have. He knows he’s not perfect, but he’s committed to continually improving. For him, “greatest dad” doesn’t mean “perfect dad” — it means he’s “always doing his best.”
I realized, after all these years, that I had been cutting short my own potential. I didn’t think I could achieve Best Mom status, so I didn’t try. Don’t get me wrong: I did want to be a good mom, but being a very good mom seemed elusive. When confronted with my own weaknesses day after day, I even questioned why God would give me a job that I couldn’t do well. It seemed He had set me up for failure.
Have you ever felt that way? Have there been times when you felt you were, if not a complete failure as a mother, at least something close to it? When you raised your voice when you had previously told yourself that you’d never do that again? When you felt so overwhelmed with demands that you reacted out of frustration instead of taking a moment to calm yourself and act out of love? Yes, this is a common experience among mothers. You are not alone.
Yet just like the dad who wrote the article I mentioned, though it is true we won’t be perfect as moms, we can be constantly improving. We fail, and then we get up again. We feel discouraged, and then we look for all the things we have to be thankful for. We cry, and then we dry our tears and get to work. All with the help of God.
I decided that I’m always going to hold that goal in front of me: I will be the Best Mom.
I will tell myself that I’m the Best Mom. I will believe that I am. I will practice being the Best Mom — over and over, without giving in to discouragement and giving up. And as I tell myself, and believe, and practice . . . gradually, I will actually become her.
It’s inside of me to be the Best Mom. I will teach myself to think like the Best Mom would think . . . and the Best Mom doesn’t believe she can’t be the Best Mom just because she had a setback.
I can’t be “the perfect mom who never makes a mistake.” I will make plenty of mistakes, and already have. But, I can be — as I was made to be — “the perfect mom for the kids God has given me.”
It was His choice to make me their mother and to give them to me as my children; He must know something I don’t about my own capabilities, fueled by His power and love. I can be what He’s called me to be. He doesn’t call us without providing a way to obey His calling.
Friends, with His help, we CAN be getting better and better. We CAN work toward achieving victory over our personal battles and be the Best Mom.
“What shall we then say to these things? If God be for us, who can be against us?
He that spared not his own Son, but delivered him up for us all, how shall he not with him also freely give us all things? . . .
“Nay, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him that loved us.“
Romans 8:31-32, 37 Read the full chapter — it’s great for anytime you feel discouraged!
Need a few practical tips to help you along the way? Here’s a few that I’ve found helpful:
- Keep your schedule simple. It’s more important to be a calm mom than to be that mom who “does all the activities.” It’s better to say No to other people when they want you to do something than to say No to your own family when they need you to be something — something that only you can be! Something that it is your responsibility to be. Other people don’t need you like your own family does.
- Take a few slow, deep, calming breaths when you start to feel upset. (I love to use good quality essential oils at this time, if they’re near at hand — in fact, it’s a good idea to keep them near at hand for this very purpose. Where to get them 👈) Rethink what you were about to say or do. This step can literally change everything.
- Take a break. Let your kids and husband know you need a little time to get into a calm enough state to deal with things. You’re not “getting away” from them, you’re calming yourself so you can be the best you can be for them. This could be a break to the bathroom, your bedroom, or any quiet place in the house where you can close the door. You could take a walk (if the kids will be safe while you’re away) or simply sit out back in the fresh air for awhile.
- Talk about things with your husband when you’re both calm. Tell him how you’re feeling about things and give him a few ideas on ways you would like him to help you.
- Tell your kids what you need from them in a clear, positive way. Make your expectations clear, and make sure you have their attention when you’re telling them. You can even write instructions down on a white board or sticky notes.
- Be consistent with disciplining your children in a biblical way. This will save you from more problems later on. It’s worth the time it takes and the energy you expend. However, if you’re feeling too exhausted in the moment to deal with something right away, remember that certain things (though not all things, so use discernment) can wait until later, when you are calm.
- Do fun stuff with your kids! Forget the schedule for a while and play a board game with freshly-made popcorn. Take them to the park. Do your daughters’ hair. Play music and dance around and be goofy together. Bake cookies. There’s nothing like fun to help lighten our load!
- Pray, worship, and read your Bible. Jesus said that apart from Him we can do nothing (John 15:5). He is the Vine, we are the branches, and we need to abide in Him if we want to bear much fruit. Jesus is the Answer for every problem, the Breath of Life for every exhausted moment. Lean further into Him when you feel like you “just can’t” with whatever situation you’re facing.
- Finally, fill your mind with “I can do this” thoughts. Because you can! Take every thought captive and make it obedient to Christ (2 Cor. 10:5). Remember that in Him, you are more than a conqueror, and I think that applies to any sort of trial we face when our resolve to obey the Lord is tested by the difficulty of the task. If you need help, don’t be too prideful to ask. This is hard for me, too; thankfully, I’ve been able to accept some offers of help, and it’s really made a big difference. You can pray for the Lord to send help, and I believe He will, in one form or another — though sometimes the “help” we need is in the form of a different way of thinking about our problems, more than anything else.
Discussion
- What do you struggle with the most as a mother? In what way can we encourage you? Do you need prayer, advice, or someone to chat with?
- Do you have any helpful thoughts you’d like to share? Any tools you’ve found useful for overcoming discouragement and the various challenges we face as mothers? Is there any encouragement God’s put on your heart to share with struggling moms?
Thanks for reading and for sharing your feedback! I hope this has been helpful to you. Until next time!
~Jessica
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Thank you for this wonderful article!!! It is so very encouraging.
I love the picture of you and your family. You are so beautiful sister!!!
God bless you all,
Pamela Leonard
Hi, Pamela! Thank you for those encouraging words! I truly appreciate them.
~Jessica
Hey Jessica! It’s Amaddie! I truly truly LOVE that family photo of you all! I can not believe how grown all your children have gotten! It’s amazing how time flies! They are all so beautiful! God bless them! This blog definitely hit me! I find myself questioning everyday if I am a good mother to both my girls. Myasia will be 13 soon and we are getting in the preteen stages and sometimes her emotions and attitude can be a bit challenging. It’s totally different from when I was a child I would say lol & Selena turns 1 next week and sometimes I find myself crying with her because she can be very high needs at times and it’s mainly me at home with her and I get so overwhelmed. I have found myself having an angry tone at times because I feel I can never finish with chores, use the bathroom, cook, shower, or just step outside for a few because the baby is either crying a lot or my oldest needs something. My husband works a lot and long hours so when he comes home, he showers and eats and sits down to relax because he is on his feet for 12-15 hours a day. I too have also said to calm down, not yell and that I won’t do it again but I have a bit and I dislike that I have broken that promise to myself. I always tell myself I am not a good mother and that I can’t do this, but then when I look at my kids I see how I am blessed because God chose them to be my babies. He allowed me to be their mother and raise them, I will never understand why but I am happy he did! I was always told I could not have kids, so when I see them I get reminded how faithful he is and I try to tell myself again, “Okay we got this! This is what the Lord wants for us.” But I do notice I do need just a bit of time for myself so I can get myself together again and just relax my mind because I am always on the go and over stimulated. You made such amazing points on what I can do to make it easier. I want to honor God in all I do and be the best mom I can be because I feel I fail them at times. I always find myself comparing myself to other mothers and wishing I could be like them and I don’t want to always be doing that. Thank you for this blog! It was one I truly needed to read because I feel this DAILY! I pray you are doing well! I miss your videos! I pray you have an amazing Thanksgiving with your family! God bless you always!
Hi, Amaddie!
I hope you and your family had an amazing Thanksgiving, too! And thank for your support, kindness, and prayers!
Reading your comments made me feel that our experiences are very similar. Though I have 10 children, I can tell you that I sometimes feel exactly the same way you described!
I wonder: are you able to delegate some chores to your older daughter that will ease your burden a bit? Especially if she could watch the baby while you shower or make dinner. Teens need to learn how to take care of babies and kids, and perform household tasks well, so they can do a good job of being parents one day, and of caring for their own home. It’s not “extra” work — it’s necessary training, just like school. It’s helpful if what we want them to do is made super clear (and written down somewhere visible) and is a regular part of their daily tasks — that way they can get good at it. But, they also need to learn how to help cheerfully with spontaneous things when the need arises. I have been working on these things with my children, and I’m sure I will need to continue for many years.
Also, I understand about your husband needing to rest after a long day at work and I definitely support that, but perhaps there is something specific that he could help you with that would make things less stressful for you? It could be something like before he goes to work every morning, he prepares a smoothie for you to drink as soon as you get up, for example. I don’t know what your greatest needs are, but whatever he helps you with would be whatever happens to be your greatest need right now.
Taking care of a home and children is a lot of work! But it is Holy Work. And it is team work — the trick being to find which things each person can best contribute for the benefit of the whole family. And this will change based upon need, since needs shift based upon season and situation. I would say that a husband’s main contribution is usually financial (because yes, I absolutely do believe in biblical roles and that a man should “provide for his own” and that a woman should “keep the home”). But, the husband also has a responsibility to nourish/nurture his wife as the weaker vessel, and to raise/train his children (see Eph. 5:28-29 and 1 Pet 3:7 on marriage). So, it is totally biblical for the wife to ask for help, if and when she needs it. If we are lazy and leave everything up to our spouse and children, that would not be right. But if we are doing our best and legitimately need help, it is appropriate to ask kindly for it, and we shouldn’t feel guilty for doing so. These are things I’m learning to do more, and it has helped.
I am always delighted to hear from you! I believe you are a great mother! We shouldn’t think that we are a bad mother just because we make mistakes. Everybody does, but it is our continued faith in the Lord, love for Him and our family, humbleness, and learning from our mistakes that makes us a good mother.
God bless you!
~Jessica
Brian & I know we are flawed, but we do continue to strive to be the parents our children deserve. Your tips are EXACTLY the tips I would give, and follow. Remember: you and your husband (along with the Lord) are a team.
Happy Thanksgiving to everyone celebrating.
Thank you for your supportive remarks, Courtney! And I hope you and your family had a Happy Thanksgiving, too!
~Jessica
Your family is so beautiful!
Thank you so much, Sarah!
What a beautiful family and great article!
Big families are beautiful. When I was an unbeliever, I never desired a big family. My focus was on my career and traveling (this was in my 20s). Then, Christ saved me and the Holy Spirit did a new work in me when He came to live in me. He placed in me the desire to have a husband and a family. I prayed for that and He blessed me with a wonderful husband and 2 children so far, both toddlers. I married at 30 and had my first at 30.
I’m 34 now and desire to have many more children. Recently, I felt a little sad because how I wish I could have married and started a family in my 20s. I come from a home of divorce and I went to public school so my entire life I learned that I should just get a career and become independent. I was never encouraged to get married and have children, at least from what I can recall. Maybe at some point family did mention it but I just wasn’t raised to choose that as my main purpose in life.
At this point, I hope that God grants us 4 or 5 children total, if it is His holy will. Since I’m 34 and I breastfeed I know that I can’t have a very big family because time is not on my side, but I will be thankful for what God blesses us with.
Fertility is such a beautiful gift from God. I’m sad that I didn’t take advantage of this gift in my 20s. I wasted that decade on things that truly didn’t matter. And, I will never get that time back. But Christ, oh Christ is my redeemer and I’m glad that He even saved me and gave me a beautiful family.
Thank you for sharing things I wish I knew in my 20s. I’m sure that God will continue to use your blog to help other young women just like He has used it to help me. God bless you and your family abundantly.
Breastfeeding doesn’t have to be a hindrance Jessie. I have 5 children (I too am 30), and have been consistently tandem (or triandem) nursing for the last 5 years.
Courtney, that is amazing! I really wish that my body could handle that. It doesn’t seem to be the case. I’m still breastfeeding my 24 month old day and night and I have no cycle. I can’t get pregnant without ovulation so I’m just waiting.
Some women have to fully wean before conceiving and maybe that’s me although I’m not sure yet because I’ve only breastfed my 24 month old like this. I don’t know what my body is going to do next or when.
I’ve increased calories and sleep but maybe I just have to wean.
Don’t worry Jessie! The Lord will bless you on His scheduled. I haven’t had a period since conceiving my oldest Sean (he’s 6). But I’ve continued ovulating. My body is just built to make & nourish babies. How many LO do you have?
Amen, yes He will! I have 2 LO. They are 14 months apart. And wow, more than 6 years without a cycle. That’s amazing! God gave you babies back to back. That’s so beautiful. Thank you for sharing your experience. I love learning from other women.
Hi, Jessie!
I am so grateful to hear from you about what you’ve learned as the Lord has worked in your life. What a precious blessing to be able to share these things with each other!
Yes, I can relate to what you said about “time wasted.” In my case, I became pregnant with my first at age 19, so I started early. But I didn’t start out the right way, and it’s always been painful to me to remember how I didn’t obey God during my early adult years. It’s hard, because I don’t regret a single one of my children; I just have sadness over the way it happened, at first. The thing is, though, that it’s useless to regret the past. The only thing we can do is try to learn from it. That’s one of the ways God can use those things for good.
Let’s try to forget (in other words, not focus on) what’s behind and press forward to the finish line (Philippians 3:13-14). Let’s keep our focus on Christ and on what He’s doing right now in our lives. God will use what you’ve learned and what you’re learning to help you be a wonderful mother to the children He’s giving you in your 30’s and perhaps even 40’s. I had my most recent baby last year, at the age of 40. I don’t know how many more are in store for us, but we trust in God’s plan for us. He has a perfect plan for you, too — and He knew all along how you were going to spend your 20’s. I believe He is smiling right now upon you for your tender mother’s heart and your willingness to have more children, if He chooses to send them! 🙂
~Jessica
Thank you for the encouragement Jessica! God bless you and happy holidays.