Do Economic Struggles Mean You Shouldn’t Have More Children?

“Why do ya’ll have a bunch of kids that you can’t afford? That is the weirdest thing.” This is what the man in the video below concludes after watching a woman’s story about being on food stamps. I’d like to share a few thoughts — not entirely regarding food stamps, though there’s something about that in a minute — but about whether economic struggles should be a factor in our decision to have (or not have) more children.

So, we already know what many people’s reaction to this would be: “Duh, of course you shouldn’t have lots of kids you can’t afford.” Yes, that is the mainstream mindset, isn’t it? And from a natural, human perspective, it makes sense. It feels “responsible.”

The lady in the video seems to be complaining that she allowed herself to have so many children with her husband “when [she] was a tradwife” since it led to them needing to apply for foodstamps. This appears to have been a highly distasteful experience for her. I got the impression she was humiliated by it. Maybe she wishes that instead of having six children, she would have had fewer, and found a job to help her husband support the family. Or perhaps she’s saying she doesn’t like how hard it was to actually get the assistance. It doesn’t seem she’s looking at her situation from the perspective of someone who has accepted the surrendered womb mentality. She used to be a “tradwife”; she is no longer.

Were all those kids worth it?

When you look at the thumbnail, you can’t help but feel that despite everything, all her sweet kids were definitely worth it, foodstamps or not. So I’m not sure why she’s complaining. Does she wish several of her children didn’t exist? How heartless that would be. Even if her children don’t have a perfect life (none of us do), they exist. That’s something; that’s something huge! They can choose to triumph over the challenges they face and — if they are commited to trusting God and living for Him — make something eternally meaningful out of their lives. This doesn’t depend on economic status; it depends on internal resilience, and resilience is formed through trials. The easy, comfortable way doesn’t form character; it forms lumps.

Now, being on foodstamps might be the easy, comfortable way for some, but for others it’s a humbling experience (has anyone read Ben Carson‘s story about his childhood?). For the truly responsible, it’s only a temporary solution until things get better. But more on that soon.

“Tradwife” — fad or biblical?

I think being a “tradwife” (short for “traditional wife”) is somewhat of a fad. Nobody should base their life on a fad; instead, we should base our life on the Bible. The lady was wrong to have followed a fad, but she wasn’t wrong to have six children, and she wasn’t wrong to depend on her husband for their income. She was wrong in the way she didn’t appreciate the value of what she was doing; it looks as if she did these very good things out of wanting to follow a trend, not out of wanting to obey God out of love for Him and a desire to obey His word. Sadly, she seems to have misunderstood the scriptural value of children and of being a keeper at home (Titus 2:4-5).

Not everything “tradwife” is wrong; much of it is biblical. That’s why I said it is “somewhat” of a fad. There are plenty of “tradwives” who are sincerely trying to get back to the Old Paths of the Bible, and there is nothing wrong with that — in fact, God wants us to get back to the truly biblical, Old Paths (Jeremiah 6:16). However, when we do something without realizing it’s importance (even if it’s biblical), we will give up on it when the going gets tough. Then we will get resentful. That’s what I think happened to the lady in the video.

Therefore, when we make choices that are based on the Bible, we need to have a deep appreciation for the importance of what we’re doing. When we make choices that are based on fads (even if only partly so), we at least need to be aware that they are fads so we can give up on them with a clear conscience and without resentment when the going gets tough. And we need to know the difference between the two.

Being traditional is not the same as being biblical. True, some traditions are biblical — but when they’re not, we must always default to the Bible. It is only when a tradition aligns with the Bible that we can regard it as an obedience issue. Otherwise, we should view it as merely a preference.

An example of a preference would be to cook everything from scratch, while a biblical standard according to the New Testament would be to prepare what is healthy and fits in your budget, even if it isn’t “crunchy.” The New Testament emphasizes taking care of our body (God’s temple) and being a faithful steward of our resources; it doesn’t specifically state that we need to homestead and make sourdough — that would be a preference.

Another example of a preference would be to wear 50’s dresses and high heels while doing chores, while a biblical standard would be to wear whatever is modest, feminine, and appropriate for the activity.

Preferences are fine; lots of people have them — even I, myself do! But it’s important to distinguish a preference from an obedience issue so we can make sure we’re not wasting our lives being committed to something that may not be God’s will for us. On the other hand, this ability to distinguish will help us give our full effort to those things that are definitely God’s will.

What’s weird about that?

Not only is the lady in the video wrong about certain things, the gentleman who commented on her video is also wrong: he’s wrong to say it’s “weird to have a bunch of kids you can’t afford.” Now, why would I say a thing like that? If you’ve been reading this blog for awhile, you know this is one of my favorite topics to talk about.

This way of looking at things puts the trailer in front of the truck. It considers practical concerns before biblical mandates.

We should never talk ourselves out of obeying God just because its “doesn’t make sense” to do something He’s told us to do. We shouldn’t think we’re wiser than He is. When I tell my kids to do something, sometimes they want to discuss it first. This is partly my fault for allowing these sorts of discussions in the past, and partly theirs for trying to argue so they can get their way. But what do I want from my kids? Of course I would love it if they understood my reasons after I explained them; but they don’t always understand, even after I explain. They need to learn to obey first, and ask respectful questions later. Their obedience shouldn’t depend on whether or not they understand my reasons and agree with them — they just need to trust me. I love them, and most of the time I do know what’s best for them.

It’s that way with God, but to a much higher, and of course perfect, degree.

He says to do something. We do it. He may sometimes be willing to explain His reasons, but our obedience should never be contingent upon our understanding and agreeing with those reasons. We certainly do need to appreciate the importance of obeying Him (as discussed in the previous section), but we don’t need to have a perfect grasp on all the reasons why we should obey Him in a particular area before we do. And so it is with having children. God told us right from the beginning that one of the great purposes of marriage is “to be fruitful and multiply” (Genesis 1:28). We do so because God says to, not because it always makes sense. God didn’t say that procreation was merely a “nice benefit” of marriage if it happens to be convenient for us at the time; He actually commanded it. Let’s take a closer look at that verse:

 “And God blessed them, and God said unto them, Be fruitful, and multiply, and replenish the earth, and subdue it: and have dominion . . .”

God told them to be fruitful and multiply. He didn’t make it optional, and He didn’t put an expiration date on it. He simply said, “Be this” and “Do that.” What’s “weird,” is that many Christians have gotten to the point where we don’t understand the importance of obeying God is this matter. We used to. But then something changed (do your research to find out what), and now we’re so “enlightened” and “responsible” that we think we don’t need to obey God anymore with our fertility. Obedience has become outdated, while twisting the Bible has become the “in” thing.

I don’t know if the gentleman in the video is a Christian; if he’s not that would explain his perspective. But how sad it is to see that in general, we Christians have gotten so used to disobedience in this area we don’t even recognize it for what it is anymore. To the contrary, we ourselves (not just unbelievers) condemn those who are obeying (or at least doing the right thing even if they don’t fully understand it, like the lady in the video), calling them “weird” and criticizing their struggles instead of asking ourselves how we can help them, even if only through our prayers and encouragement. In place of feeling superior, we should be ashamed of ourselves for our ignorance.

Conception: whose domain is it?

Some folks can’t have children or can’t have more of them, but that’s a much different thing from choosing not to have them or choosing not to have more. When we place our lives in God’s hands, He may choose to give us children or He may choose not to. He’s the all-wise, all-knowing One; He knows the future and all possible outcomes of every possible decision — we don’t. Creation is His domain, one in which He graciously allows us to cooperate with Him. It is not our domain. We are the created, He is the Creator. Cooperating is not to be confused with creating.

Though God gives us the free will to make many of our own decisions, He has also placed limits on what we may or may not do within His will. There are decisions He may permit us to make that are nevertheless outside His perfect will (God’s permissive will vs. His perfect will). As He exercises His creative powers, our cooperation has its limits; we are not God. Conception is not meant to be something we control (nor can we totally control it). Instead, it is something we concede. We surrender ourselves to His creative powers and say, along with Mary, “Behold the handmaid of the Lord; be it unto me according to thy word.”(Luke 1:38).

Yes, I know this may come as a suprise to many people. The children come out of our bodies, so why wouldn’t they be our domain? I didn’t say we’re not supposed to take good care of them; I simply said that their creation is not our domain. Their existence is overshadowed by the Spirit of God. Similar to how He moved upon the face of the waters at the beginning of creation, He hovers over the face of their unformed substance (Psalm 139:13-18). He gives them an eternal soul and breathes into them the breath of life. No animal, insect, or plant has ever had the benefit of such a sacred beginning.

Our Heavenly Father provides

Consequently, this soul that God creates — it is exquisitely unique and immeasurably valuable. We may be inclined to think that human life is not that precious because we live in a fallen world and see how easily it expires. It feels so common and weak. Even ugly, when it is malformed. How could God be the Creator of such a thing? Perhaps He is only the Creator of certain, important people? As a Christian, you know how riduculous that sounds!

Of course God is the Creator of every, single one of us! And though I don’t believe I’ve ever seen in Scripture a promise that He will sustain the non-believer (though He certainly has a purpose for us all), I have seen a promise that He will sustain the believer:

“Therefore take no thought, saying, What shall we eat? or, What shall we drink? or, Wherewithal shall we be clothed? (For after all these things do the Gentiles seek:) for your heavenly Father knoweth that ye have need of all these things. But seek ye first the kingdom of God, and his righteousness; and all these things shall be added unto you“ (Matthew 6:31-33, read full passage here).

Our Heavenly Father is God, and as believers we are His children. He knows what we need, and as long as we’re seeking His kingdom first, all our needs will be taken care of. What if we have a lot of children? Well, if we’re having children out of obedience to His word, and if we trust in Him to provide, then why worry?

As verse 34 says, “Take therefore no thought for the morrow: for the morrow shall take thought for the things of itself. Sufficient unto the day is the evil thereof.”

Should the Christian depend on foodstamps?

Christians often overthink the “should I have more children” issue. As long as we’re obeying God, we don’t need to worry about all the details. That is something for God to take care of. He will work it out. What if we need to get on foodstamps for awhile? Would God really allow a family who is in obedience to Him to have to rely on government assistance? Well, I don’t remember seeing anything in the Bible about government assistance for the impoverished being wrong. Am I saying we should be lazy and rely on the government for everything? Of course not. After all, the Bible does set forth the principle that “if any would not work, neither should he eat“ (2 Thesssalonians 3:10). But genuine need seems like a different issue.

In the video, the lady says her husband worked very hard. So in this case, laziness was not the problem. Interestingly, I can think of many people who are happy to receive governement assistance for college, healthcare, retirement, etc. and don’t consider that a crime. I suppose it is possible God could use the government to provide for us in certain ways — that He could choose to provide for us through that means, at least temporarily. Though I am absolutely sure God is anti-lazy, I’m not so sure He is anti-receive-help-from-the-government. And I say this as someone who believes less government is generally better.

The issue of foodstamps and the Christian is a thorny matter. It’s an issue with a lot of feeling behind it. Some people are strongly against foodstamps, while others are supportive, with perhaps most in the middle. It seems to me that for the Christian, this is an issue of conviction.

If you’re doing your best but find yourself in difficult times, follow your conviction. If you’re convicted that you must never receive help from the government for anything, or at least not for foodstamps, I’m positive that as you trust in the Lord, He will provide for you some other way. And if you’re convicted that government help is fine if you need it, then be thankful when you are able to get it and use it well. Certainly no one should “depend” on foodstamps forever; it should last only until we’ve found some other, more long-lasting solution. One of the problems with government help is that it has the potential to enable patterns of laziness. It’s not sustainable over time. However, if you, personally, are responsible in how you use it, then government aid is something, perhaps, to be thankful for. We could even say, the government’s money is being put to good use when it’s used to help Christian families who are doing their best but struggling. Government funds are currently being used for much worse things. We villify the wrong people.

But all of this actually circumvents the main point.

What is the main point?

The main point is that our first duty is to obey God. The beginning of wisdom is to fear God (Proverbs 9:10) — it is not to think about everything so hard in the name of “seeking wisdom” that our brain breaks. We fear God, we obey Him, we trust Him with the details, and He uses that to accomplish His eternal purposes. If we struggle or suffer, if we experience discomfort, pain, or humiliation, we can believe He will use it for our good. No trial is ever wasted in the life of the believer, but all things work together for good (Romans 8:28).

We don’t need to have it all figured out.

We don’t have to be “good stewards” of something God hasn’t given over to our stewardship (specifically, conception of new human life).

It isn’t “leaving it up to chance” to trust God in this area . . . especially since I just said the words “trust God.” Trusting God in an area that He’s been specific about (in this case, “be fruitful and multiply”) is the very definition of making a wise choice, and it has nothing to do with chance.

If we obey God in our marriages by being fruitful and multiplying, without ever trying to prevent conception through any means, certain distasteful things may happen: Our pride may suffer. Our bodies may suffer. Our comfort will certainly suffer. And we will be tested: our patience will be tested, our self-control will be tested, and our gentleness will be tested. Our self-centeredness and worldy-mindedness will be purged. Finally, these “distasteful” experiences will produce beautiful outcomes: We will emerge refined from the fire, our eyes expectantly fixed on eternity and our feet firmly planted in the truth of God’s word. True, we will sacrifice much, but we will also grow in ways we never imagined.

Some people will be poor and have to humble themselves as they accept help. (And I’m not saying it has to be foodstamps; if one’s conviction is to not go that route, there will be other forms of help as we trust in God’s provision.) God blesses, but He also tests, and poverty certainly tests us. Will we allow our humiliation and discomfort to get in the way of our obedience? Or will we turn our gaze upon our Heavenly Father and trust that He knows what He’s doing?

If you’re not sure that it is an obedience issue to “be fruitful and multiply,” and you still think it’s a choice God leaves up to us, then I encourage you to get to a place where you can be sure. You can start with some of these recommended resources. You can also read my posts in this category.

➡️Here’s a book you might like, which I recently read: Natural Family Planning and the Christian Moral Code.

It discusses many of the issues I brought up in this article, from a Catholic perspective on Natural Family Planning (NFP). The author, Jeanne Dvorak, is a mother of 14. In her book, she makes the case that NFP is not “natural” but un-natural, while traditionally, Christians have understood that any sort of conception-prevention is wrong. They have always put themselves in God’s hands, trusting in His wisdom and provision. Only recently have compromises been made (even among the Catholic hierarchy) to appease those who want to be “modern” and “scientific.”

It’s a great read. I don’t agree with everything, especially not about “getting to heaven” through living a good life, but her points about NFP are exactly the same thing I, myself, have always thought. Interesting how our thoughts align.

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Now, here’s a little something extra, some thoughts from myself as a mom of 10. I was thinking the other day that having a lot of children certainly is hard and I couldn’t honestly say to you that if you have a large family out of obedience to God, you won’t suffer. I have suffered. I can guarantee you that you will suffer, too. How do I know? Jesus said in John 16:33, “In the world ye shall have tribulation: but be of good cheer; I have overcome the world.”

All people in the world suffer because of the Fall. Christians suffer because of the Fall, too, but we also suffer because of Christ. Double suffering, not less suffering. We can’t avoid suffering, as it’s just a fact of life for us on this earth. But for the Christian, suffering can be transformed into victory, and hardships can be infused with joy. A godly perspective can change our whole reaction to suffering. The Christian, as an adopted child of God, has access to an abundance of blessings that the non-Christian doesn’t have, and these blessings help us endure our trials.

I made up a working definition of joy to help myself internalize its meaning. We all know it doesn’t mean mere happiness based on changing, superficial circumstances. But lately I’ve been asking myself, What is joy? How can I experience it when so many things are not right? This is what I came up with, and what I’ve been reminding myself:

Joy = Taking deep pleasure in something that is very right and very beautiful (from a godly perspective).

Not everything has to be right and beautiful in your life for you to have joy, and to take pleasure, in that one thing. In fact, there could be many un-right and un-beautiful things going on right now. But those things don’t need to take away your joy.

Having many children: not everything will be right, and not everything will be beautiful. Some things will be messy while other things will be downright ugly. Our joy in the blessing of children and in being surrendered to God’s will need not be affected! Joy is like a nugget of gold in a riverbed: hold on to what you’ve got before it gets swept away. Cherish the moment, and cherish the person you’re experiencing that moment with. Other moments will come, some of them unpleasant; never allow them to cause you to forget the joy of the fact that you’ve got gold.

~Jessica