It’s hard to be so honest with myself — and with you. But this stay-at-home-mom life isn’t entirely what I had imagined for myself, nor is it entirely what I want. Let me explain.
The cozy, neat, peaceful homemaker’s life I dreamed of for myself and for my family has turned out differently than I had expected; in some ways, worse than I had expected. And I’m trying to see: Where was I wrong? What is God doing in the middle of all this?
When you blog, or share anything on social media, there is a fear of sharing too much. You don’t want to damage your reputation, but also — you don’t want to discourage others who need to hear that “they can do it.” They may be tender and easily bruised. But on the other hand, if you don’t share enough of the “real stuff,” then what you leave your followers with is a shiny box-on-the-shelf ideal that they will later be disappointed with — then they will possibly blame you for not telling it straight.
And there’s another thing: I haven’t entirely given up on the dream myself. I still want that life. It’s a precious fantasy that maybe doesn’t have to be a fantasy. Maybe it could still be real. The fantasy of a cottage-like home full of sunlight and fresh flowers; freshly-cleaned floors and warm candlelight; of bread baking in the oven and cherry pies cooling in front of open windows; of flowery aprons and flowy skirts; of early-morning Bible times and breakfast-table family devotions; of peaceful morning homeschool routines and joyful educational discoveries; of children that rise up and call me blessed; of gray hair that graces a wise woman of advancing years; of adult children that call for advice and seek to live a godly life — the life they’d been taught by their mother…
This version of the “Heavenly Hearth” is a dream that still beats in my heart.
But the days wear on me. I never knew I could feel so “soul-tired.” On some of the worst days, I surprise myself by thinking, “I hate my life,” which I had never thought before, even when my life really was a wreck many years ago. Then I wonder if the fantasy is stupid.
Real life is different: The house that doesn’t drastically change, that stays poor but that doesn’t stay clean, that isn’t always cozy and peaceful; the personal Bible time that doesn’t happen half the mornings because the baby wakes up and needs me right away; the family devotion that feels like a train wreck because the children won’t stop playing around; the homeschool that feels impossible because I would need to be three people all at once to even get it all done; the household tasks I long to accomplish but that can’t be done because I simply don’t have the time or the energy; speaking of energy — the tiredness that doesn’t ever go away, which makes it harder to be patient and kind and sweet; the discouragement that I’m not the wise and understanding mother I had wanted to be by now; the disappointment of having children that (at least for now seem to) resent their upbringing and rise up and call me a problem.
That’s the part of this life that I’m afraid will disappoint and discourage you.
It’s not that I’ve been “hiding” the truth: it’s that not everyone would understand. There are people who would say, “I told you so” or “You’re the one who wanted to have a large family.” Not helpful.
In no way do I recant our decision to allow God to send us a quiverfull of blessings, of trusting in God’s sovereignty over childbearing. In no way do I recant committting myself to a life of being a homemaker. It’s been more than 20 years now, and I haven’t changed my mind. Honestly, I do love being a homemaker and a mother of many. Honestly. It’s not just a commitment I made, but a blessing. Much of the time I do find this work genuinely sweet and fulfilling.
But there is a lack of control in being able to make my life the way I want it to be, in all the details. Yes, I can do some things: I can organize a schedule for the children to follow; I can sit down with them repeatedly to discuss biblical attitudes and pray together for God’s help; I can take pleasure in the one, small vase of weedy flowers my two-year-old picked (he’s so sweet!); I can at least drink half a cup of coffee before it gets cold (is that an improvement?); I can be content that even though my kids aren’t getting all the schooling I had hoped to be able to personally give them, at least we’re together rather than apart in segregated classrooms.
I’ve been initiated into the “mother of young adults” club, and in some ways (not all) it’s not so nice a season in life. There are days when I feel old and tired and ugly and worn out, when I feel despised and unappreciated. I feel like I’ve wasted my life trying to create this beautiful, heavenly home. If this is all I have to show for it, then what good have I been doing?
The depression, and the self-hatred, and the discouragement, and the wondering where I went wrong…
It’s all teaching me — I know it is. And it’s a very hard lesson.
I think that possibly, maybe, perhaps — God is teaching me that His goals don’t align exactly with mine.
It’s not that it’s wrong to seek to make one’s house a “Heavenly Hearth,” to want to it to be peaceful and cozy! But it’s wrong to not also accept the annoyances, the interupptions, the challenges, the delays, the imperfections, the disappontments, the hurts and failures. Even these things are from Him (Job 2:10). His goal isn’t merely to create the fantasy I long for — and oh, how I long for it! It’s in my soul, this beautiful, idyllic life, the breath of it so close and warm I can feel it on my cheek. But God’s reality is more that of another life: the life of struggle and forsaking and denying and being uncomfortable and longing for an eternal home that’s perfect but not in the least a fantasy. His goal is less shallow and superficial than mine.
He reveals my selfishness. My self-centeredness. What else could it be that causes me to feel upset when my desires aren’t fulfilled the way I want them to be? It’s one thing to simply feel frustrated when you’re overwhelmed by demands; it’s another to resent other people for being the cause of those demands.
Partly, God withholds the life I want. He gives me another. The one He gives me is not pretty but messy. And it’s not “nice” messy, but sometimes “ugly” messy. It’s the type of messy that makes me feel like a failure. God, what are You doing up there? What are You doing down here?
It’s a lesson of “let go but don’t let go.”
Let go of needing to feel in control. You’re not. Accept it. The tide rises and you get out of the way, you don’t try to stop it (or you flow with it). The wind blows and you find shelter, you don’t try to maneuver it (or you enjoy the breeze). Life is like that in its unexpectedness and how things just pop up and happen without asking your permission and get in the way of accomplishing things. It’s sneaky and unfeeling that way. The only way to get through the day is to “let go and let God.” Sounds cliche, but it’s just the truth.
But don’t let go.
Don’t let go of wanting to be a godly woman. Oh, please don’t let go of that. The wise, gentle woman aging gracefully in a long dress and a flowery apron: that can still be you! Focus everything that is in you on being that woman at heart. She trusts in God, she is unshakable and unmoveable in faith. She is peaceful and gentle. Yes, please, please keep trying to be her! She’s not a fantasy; she’s in you. Somewhere down there in all your mess, she’s the person God is working on carving out of you.
Don’t let go of a peaceful home. Just accept that “peaceful” isn’t necessarily the cottage-core ideal you have pictured. A clean and tidy home is a noble and valuable goal — an important one! — but it is not always possible, as hard as you try to make it happen. Don’t “accept the mess” as if you can’t do anything about it, but don’t think you can “control the chaos” as if you just have to be more organized. Sometimes you can try to be as organized as possible and your plans still get derailed. “Peaceful” means that you do what you can, and you accept God’s will for the interruptions and the messes that happen. If He wanted you to have an idyllic home, He could materialize it for you. But if this is the life He’s giving you; work with it. This is His curriculum. This is His school of life. This is how He’s teaching you to value.
Bible time in the morning? You would think God would prioritize this! But He seems to think differently. He wants you to meet Him in the ugly moments when the baby cries, the toddler spills, the children sass, the husband doesn’t seem to notice, the house is a disaster, and you haven’t taken a shower in days.
Then you cry out and say, “I can’t do this without You, God!” Bam. That’s it. There’s where He wants you. It almost feels cruel. But it’s no game. It’s the only way to get you out of fantasy land and into a place where your flesh is being trained to submit to the Spirit.
It’s so hard. The flesh wants to control, but the Spirit wants to be in charge (Galatians 5:16-25). The Spirit guides you through shadowy valleys of messes and noise and pain and you doubt He’s got His compass right. Maybe He made a mistake? Surely this isn’t the life He wanted you to have! Gratefully, you find He’s taking you to green pasture — but not so gratefully, you discover it’s in the “presence of mine enemies”! In other words, your problems haven’t been solved yet, they’re still there leering at you, but you get a chance for a needed respite in the middle of it all. And this, when what you had really wanted was to arrive at a safe sheep pen and eat peacefully in the “presence of my friends.” And stay there forever. So much for that.
Dear friends, I haven’t gone crazy. I’m sharing. Isn’t that a cute social media term: “sharing”? Maybe you didn’t want me to “share” this much. It’s TMI. Of course I still desire to be a Biblical Woman! I just want you to know that the Biblical Woman can’t be a superficial fantasy that we hold up for ourselves; it has to be a scriptural, realistic goal that we hold up in faith, submitting ourselves to whatever path God wants to take us on to learn how to be this woman.
Our whole house could burn down, and our husband die and our kids have to go to public school, and we have to go to work and wear pants (those who wear skirts will understand): could we still be a “Biblical Woman” then? Darn, I would hate that kind of life (no offense). But listen: The Biblical Woman is being made inside of us. She’s a woman of surrender and faith. Life swirls around her, it buffets and bruises her, it even cuts and scars her — but she learns to find peace in God.
She takes time to pray. She learns biblical strategies for coping. She chooses to take time to be healthy and help others be healthy in the middle of their struggles. She works through life with the Bible in her heart — even if it’s only a verse or two she had time to read when the baby wasn’t grabbing for her.
She tries hard to make her home beautiful and her life peaceful and her appearance feminine — but she knows that life can be stormy and the most important thing is to always be seeking shelter in the Person of Jesus. She’s not afraid of the waves which beat themselves up against her boat (life) and tear away at the tidy things that don’t really matter in the end. Faith matters. Cottage-core not so much.
Don’t let go of the cozy homemaker’s life you dream of; I’m not. The Heavenly Hearth is certainly real! Though maybe it’s not the exact version you had envisioned. Learn to be flexible as you submit your dreams to the Lord’s script. Let Him hold the brush. Accept the blueprint He’s designing. If it feels uncomfortable, painful, messy — it’s supposed to. You’re learning to yield to something higher.
Video text:
If Biblical Womanhood isn’t leading you Deeper, you’re doing it wrong. Here’s what I mean…
It’s easy for us to focus on externals:
Clothing,
Routines,
Housekeeping,
Etc.
And I’m not saying those things don’t matter. But
If that’s all “Biblical Womanhood” is, then we’re stuck in a lifeless mirage.
A woman who is “Biblical” is a woman who is learning to be led by the Spirit of God
Instead of following her flesh
And doing that kind of “soul work” is messy,
And dirty,
And ugly,
And hard.
I wish it were as easy to change myself as it is to change my clothes
But God doesn’t make things easy.
I think He intentionally makes things difficult in order to bring out the ugly things that need working on.
Biblical Womanhood is really about “going deep” with God into what needs to change in my life
So I can be a godly and virtuous woman
And not just the image of one.
*****
~Jessica
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Hello Jessica! Thank you so much for sharing. I’m only 19 but have been grappling with some of the topics you share on, which is what led me to subscribe to the blog. This is something that I wish my generation would spend more time trying to understand. And we dont have to agree, but I just think it is so valuable trying to unsent how other people are living their lives for the glory of God. God bless you!
Hi! So nice to hear from you and thank you for subscribing! Yes, I agree: it is certainly valuable to try and understand other Christians’ perspectives, to find out why they beleive as they do. Great to see that you’re wanting to do that!
~Jessica
Thank you Jessica for being open and honest. I’m mom of all young adults and I have to be honest I have struggled with wishing I could go back in time and change XYZ that way ABC wouldn’t have happened. When I decided I was gonna me a SAHM I did have dreams of all my girls wearing long dresses and matching headcoverings and rows and rows of home canned jellies and veggies. We would have the perfect family Bible study and blah blah blah. But God apparently had other plans. And sometimes I wonder why if my ideas and desires are completely Biblical, why hasn’t God fulfilled them?
Anyway, I’m trying sister to be that godly and virtuous woman. Thanks again Jessica!💖
Dear Regina,
I think we’re very alike in that sense! Yes, what I had imagined for my life has turned out differently, and I struggle with that. It’s not entirely different, but just different enough that I’m discontent. This has been a learning process for me, to surrender to God’s plans, and I wonder the same things that you mentioned. Wow, it’s so nice to see that I’m not alone!
With Christian love,
~Jessica
God bless you Jessica. Thank you for being so vulnerable with us. I’m a new wife and mother so I can’t exactly relate to everything you express, but I am happy someone is being honest about what motherhood and homemaking really are in the life of a Christian woman. It’s supposed to make us carry our cross and die to self everyday so that we may become more and more like Christ.
What I see on YouTube and Instagram about homemaking and motherhood is often times so different in comparison to what I’m living. Mothers often times show the sourdough bread, the flowy prairie dresses, the nice backyards/farms where they live, the beautiful houses, etc. But rarely ever other side. The messes, the financial struggles, etc.
I find myself often times comparing my life and family to what I see on social media. God always brings me back to contentment.
“6 But godliness with contentment is great gain, 7 for we brought nothing into the world, and we cannot take anything out of the world. 8 But if we have food and clothing, with these we will be content. 9 But those who desire to be rich fall into temptation, into a snare, into many senseless and harmful desires that plunge people into ruin and destruction. 10 For the love of money is a root of all kinds of evils. It is through this craving that some have wandered away from the faith and pierced themselves with many pangs.” (1 Timothy 6:6-10).
Thank you for sharing your heart with us. I learn so much from you and I thank God for your life.
Blessings!
Jesse
Dear Jesse,
Wow, your comment was just wonderful! I felt so encouraged by it! The verse at the end was especially appreciated. I read it slowly and meditated on it; I really needed that reminder.
Yes, I know what you mean about the near-perfect lives portrayed on social media. It can cause us to feel discontent. With your heart for the Lord, I’m sure you must be a great wife and mother, and will continue to learn more and more as time goes on! Even on the hard days, the important thing is to get back up and keep trying, with the Lord’s help. I’m so thankful for encouraging friends that support us along the way (whether in person or on social media). 🙂
In Christian love,
~Jessica
I was loving and relating to everything till I got to the pants, working mom …. My first thought was “was that very necessary” ? There are many, many Godly women who work and wear pants . They have hearts that reflect Biblical women hood! They will love, open their doors and reach out with a helping hand when needed ! External is such a secondary issue ( given I believe in modesty, just might look different from yours) . Anyhow before I could get offended I remembered your fantasy might look different than mine ! For me is always having my doors open to whoever comes in and out , teaching them about Christ, showing up to my son’s soccer games, feeding everyone and anyone and just showing God love … most likely wearing jeans 😉 ( sorry couldn’t help it ) from one God loving women to another I appreciate the realness! In perfect social media world , realness is appreciated!
God bless,
Danny
Dear Danny,
I had to chuckle a little in friendly, good humor over your comment. I knew that little bit I said in my article might evoke a response! I was considering taking it out (before I ever read your comment) but decided to leave it in. Basically, for the same reason you mentioned: “being real.” (I did say, “no offense” to those who might be offended.)
My fantasy is of being an old-fashioned, traditional housewife, long dresses and all. Little House on the Prairie style. Or the more refined Anne of Green Gables style. With some modern stuff mixed in (so thankful for my fridge and gas stove, for example). If I had to abandon my dream, it would feel like a true loss. I would have to grieve over it.
But it wouldn’t just be the loss of dresses. It’s the life. The homemaker’s life. The ability to be at home full time with my family and be a “worker at home” as the Bible says for women to be in Titus 2:3-5. To be with my children full time. To be with my babies full time. The loss of homeschooling.
When my husband was in the hospital for three weeks earlier this year, I had a taste of what it’s like to be torn between two places. In my case, it was with my husband in the hospital or with my children at home. It was so hard! I would get back home and not have enough time to do the things that needed to get done, not have enough time to spend with my children before I had to leave again. For the woman who works outside the home (and has children), she would be torn between having to be at work and wanting to be with her children. That would be so hard. I understand that it’s necessary for some women, but I don’t think I would like that kind of life. Sure, you can get used to it, but the loss of time with your family and in your home being a homemaker is an inescapable reality.
Anyways, I really enjoyed your “realness” as well. It helps to get another person’s perspective. Thanks for being honest with me. And thanks for following my blog, even though we don’t agree in all the particulars. It’s special that we can appreciate each other as Christian women despite our differences. 🙂
~Jessica
Hey Jessica ! I’m glad you enjoyed my humor ! I feel like we would get along well ( biased on what I gathered) ! Love me some Anne of Green Gables ! I read all the books ! Anyhow off topic, i love your heart behind many of the things you do. I believe as women we must love God , family and home that is our first priority! Everything comes second! I’m so sorry to hear about your husband, I hope he’s doing better ! That is very scary when your life is flipped upside and sideways and tough decisions have to be made ! I truly believe that God goodness always shines though, even when we can’t see it ! I keep reading your recent blogs, because you a realness to them ! Even if we don’t agree on everything it’s refreshing to see an honest heart! God bless you ! ( sorry about so many run on sentences, ect .. my husband and I ran VBS at our church this week and I’m exhausted , so mistakes might’ve happened 😅)
– Danny
Thank you so much, Danny, I really appreciate your caring and supportive message. 🙂
I hope VBS went well! My kids had VBS this week, too, and I’m sure all the teachers must feel just about like you do, ha, ha! God bless them, and you and your husband, too!
~Jessica
Hello Jessica,
This was very nice and interesting to read. I feel that there is always this tension between life’s disappointments and the love of Christ. I think we, as Christian women can all relate to this and you illustrated it well. The light shines in the darkness and we understand it and that is so amazing and we are so grateful to our Lord for it. Blessings, Your sister in Christ, Goli
Thank you, Goli! Yes, the love of Christ and His light shine in the darkness of our struggles. Amen.
~Jessica
Good grief, Jessica. Do you know how often you write an article that is perfect for exactly where I am? This is another of those.
Parenting and home life, for me too, has been ugly-messy. As in, UGLY MESSY. You’d think I’d have things better by now, twenty years in, but honestly, I often feel like I’m just sinking in further. I have way more “I hate my life” moments (and days) than I would like to admit. (Yesterday was one.) And the romantic dream (clean house, beautiful decorations, delightful well-behaved children, gorgeous garden, organized homeschool, house in the country, perfectly homemade meals) just gets further away.
It’s good to know I’m not the only one.
(Seriously, a lot of bloggers and YouTube moms do way more harm than good by showing only the good stuff and perpetuating the myth of perfection.)
But, as you mention, and as I have learned, God does things the hard way. Whether it’s childbirth, hyperemesis, or parenting, God makes things HARD – not cute-hard, but crucifixion-hard.
I hold on to hope that there will be a good ending (in Heaven!) – but it is hard to maintain a good attitude in the meantime.
Thank you for the encouraging words, and thank you for your honesty. Your blog is a blessing!
Dear Diana,
Your comment is a true gift. It’s so easy to feel alone in this stage of motherhood, thinking that I must the only one who feels this way — but it’s so, so comforting to know I’m not.
I think it’s interesting that mothers get to this point (maybe not all mothers, who knows, but some). My theory is that enough time has passed for us to have to admit that things are much harder than we ever thought they would be. I also think that by this time we start to get tired after fighting what feels like the same battle over and over. God is working so much into us! Perseverance, trust, eternal perspective, etc. We have to start letting go of some things we were hoping we could hold on to. And you’re right, we have to “die” to ourselves (be “crucified”). Which is painful.
When I read that part of your comment (about crucifixion) I had to stop for a moment. You’re exactly right about that. That’s what makes everything so hard. It’s not just “sensory overload” or “needing to calm our nervous system.” Those are real things, of course. But it’s more than that. It’s a battle over ourselves: will the sinful fleshly, desires win — or will the Spirit of God?
We’re doing spiritual battle here! And yes, it’s ugly. “Take up your cross and follow Me” ugly. Sounds so nice the way we imagine Jesus saying it, but if you think about what that means, it’s not pretty.
Thank you so much for taking the time to comment on my post. It was really encouraging to me.
~Jessica
Ahh…so true. You said it all so eloquently. I feel these things on a daily basis. Thank you for your candidness on the realities of being a mom-specifically a Christian mom.
Hi, Nicole! You’re welcome; I’m glad to know my article resonated with you.
I think that motherhood is one of the hardest jobs a person can have — so we don’t need to downplay the struggle, even as we also find joy and fulfillment in it.
There is no cute fix for crying your heart out over an older wayward child or younger children who seem to disobey constantly, along with motherhood’s other trials. This is where the only real solution is to reach out to the Savior and seek His help, as we learn to take up our cross and follow Jesus on the hard path.
So glad that we can encourage each other along the way.😊
~Jessica
I feel badly for your generation and those younger who have been so susceptible to mommy bloggers who make their lives look perfect, and ‘influencers’ who are always selling something and who use filters for everything so that we don’t even know what they really look like. There is no perfection and all we can do is live the life we believe is correct for us without comparing ourselves to others. I’m a few decades older than you with only one adult child who I was very lucky to have. We married later than most and were almost 40 when our child was born. We also had a sad pregnancy loss before that. Since I was older and more experienced in general in life than a lot of mothers having babies when I did, it was easier to just ignore the nosy questions (When are you having a sibling for your daughter?) or the unsolicited information about how to feed and care for our child.
I grew up in poverty in the era before social programs that help the needy, and we didn’t always have enough to eat, the clothes we wore were never the fanciest, most expensive ones, and we moved from one apartment to the next because of the cost of everything. My mother did her absolute best, but since she only had a high school diploma the jobs she had were very low paying. My father had a serious problem with alcoholic and was also abusive. He left my mother with four children and we never saw or heard from him again. My childhood had its traumatic moments but it did make me a much stronger adult, and I passed that strength on to our daughter. I’ve been lucky to be married to her dad, who grew up in much more privileged circumstances, for more than 30 years.
I wish you peace and strength on your hardest days. Parenthood is never easy whether you have one child or several. And you never stop worrying about them even when they’re finished with college, gainfully employed, and living on their own!
Hi Jessica! It’s been a couple of years since I’ve commented, but man, I needed this. I have two kids 2 and under (we hope for more as God provides), and I have been feeling very, very discouraged. And like a failure. I always had that cottagecore dream of homemaking and large family life too. It sometimes feels overwhelming. Thanks for the encouragement. I definitely want to read this one a few times, I think. God has used your blog and videos for years to encourage me, and I am so thankful. I hope you are doing well.
Hi, Sarah!
So good to hear from you! Wow, I’m glad to hear that my article was helpful to you! I kinda felt like it rambled on a little too much, but it’s good to know that despite that it has been an encouragement to someone else.
Yes, we mothers have such an important ministry, but it’s not at all easy! Our mindset is especially important to watch, as I’m constantly being reminded. Keep up the good work you’re doing for the Lord!
~Jessica
Hi Jessica! I’m sorry I haven’t been around lately, but uts mostly because I was busy welcoming my 5th precious gift, Mark. He’s almost a month old already. I will say, this is EXACTLY the life I pictured for myself, but I agree it’s hard letting go sometimes, and just let Him do His thing.
Wow, that’s wonderful news, Courtney! Congratulations on your precious fifth! I hope the postpartum is going well. I’m so encouraged to see your positive and beautiful attitude about motherhood. 💕
Warmest Congratulations Courtney
Thank you so much Suzanne! I turned 30 during the pregnancy, so that’s 5 children in about 7 years.
Busy – but beautiful !!
So true Suzanne. I remembered that I forgot to mention my newest blessing is based Mark.
Thank you for your honesty. I’m caught in the middle of working as a nurse part time and homeschooling my youngest son (13). My eldest son is married and serving our country and my middle son is currently in college. I love wearing long flowy dresses but sometimes I’m wearing pants with a tunic scrub top. You have a talent for writing and connecting with other women. Keep being obedient to Our Lord ; you are an inspiration to many. Your hubby and children appreciate you too even when they forget or don’t know how to say/show it.
Thank you so much for that beautiful reminder and for the encouragement, Nikki. ☺️ It really means a lot to me.
Also, I appreciate how you’re wearing dresses when you’re able, even though you wear pants and a tunic top to work. It must be a bit tricky homeschooling while working part time. I’m wondering what you’ve learned from it that you could share as tips? Even women who don’t have an outside job may still find your tips useful, since life is always busy as a mom!
~Jessica