Seasons to Rest

Hello, readers and friends! Have you been wondering what I’ve been up to for the past couple of months? Most of you have probably already guessed: Yes, we’re expecting another baby! This is number nine for us.

During this time, I have not felt very well, which is something those of you who have been pregnant before are most likely familiar with! I have been very tired, weak, and have had stomach issues (nausea, painful bloating, acid, etc.). Not fun.

I told my family, “Pretend that I’m sick. Because really, that’s how I feel. I’m going to sit or lay down and rest a lot. I’m going to need help with things. I’m not going to want to go anywhere. Don’t expect too much from me.” They understood and have been so good to me these past couple of months! Having chores already organized has made things easier, since the kids know what is expected of them. I haven’t been able to keep up very well in helping them with their schoolwork, but it’s just for now, and they can do most things on their own. My husband has been making the evening meals, which is such a gift!

I’ll be honest, though, and admit that when I first started to feel bad, I complained a lot. Not out loud all the time, but inside my heart to God.

Lord, since You are all-powerful, You can do anything; making me feel better would be easy for You. I’ve submitted myself to Your will; I’ve put my trust in You — couldn’t you repay my service by taking away these feelings? Don’t I deserve it?

I felt really sorry for myself. I felt as if I envied those women who have naturally stopped having children as a result of pre-menopausal changes. I thought it would be nice to not have to go through another season of feeling sick, another labor, another time of having to care for a newborn and not having a chance to work on the things I’d like to work on as much as I’d like. When would I have a break?

Though my eighth pregnancy had, in some ways, been my best pregnancy so far, which was a huge unexpected blessing, I had still gone through morning sickness, just as in all my previous pregnancies. And here I was, going through it all over again.

I tore into God. I thought, He can take it. I voiced all my selfish complaints. Then I felt an answer in my spirit. It may have only been what I imagined His response would be, but I’m sure it’s similar to something He might reply with: So you’re saying that you would only submit to Me if things were to go your way? You would put a condition upon your obedience? But when you said you trusted in Me and wanted to put your fertility into My hands, you didn’t mean it? Or you meant it only if I made things easy for you?

I was immediately convicted. I said in my heart, Yes, You’re right, God. You deserve my submission, whatever the outcome — whether it turns out to be easy for me, or hard. You’re Lord, and I still trust You. Please forgive me for complaining. Okay . . . I don’t feel totally sorry for my blunt honesty because, well, I want to be real with You. But I definitely don’t want to continue being self-focused. I’ve been wrong. Please help me change my attitude.

Seeing the baby through ultrasound at 11 weeks, and hearing the tiny heartbeat, helped change my heart. What a precious little creation! How could I have been such a monster as to feel that I didn’t want to be pregnant? Oh, no — this tiny child was worth everything! He or she was worth just as much hardship as our other children had been. My perspective began to enlarge.

This child has an eternal soul that will last, and last, and last forever. Whatever I go through now is for the sake of eternity.

This child is made in the image of God. God is right now in the process of knitting him or her together in my womb in a way that is incredibly wonderful (Psalm 139:13-16).

God has a purpose for this child, and I am participating with Him in beginning to accomplish that purpose. Mary told the angel Gabriel, “I am the Lord’s servant. Let everything you’ve said happen to me” (Luke 1:38). Can I do any less but follow her godly example?

Another source of conviction came through my husband.

He surprised me with his selfless service: making dinners, bringing me snacks, helping watch the children, buying any food I asked for, making sure I was comfortable . . . (I don’t know why it surprised me, since he is typically very selfless and kind.) He told me that it hurt his feelings to hear me complain so much, as if our baby wasn’t special to me. This baby was made from the two of us, from our love for each other! How beautiful and special! He didn’t want me to feel sick; in fact, he felt very bad to see how much I suffered. And yet, wasn’t it worth it for this precious new life that God had given us? Worse than how he himself felt, he was worried that I might pass on to the baby some of my negative feelings, leading the baby to feel sad and rejected. I certainly didn’t want that!

I cried and told him I was sorry. He was right. This baby was very, very special. I loved him and our beautiful relationship, and it was a blessing to bear the fruit of it within my womb. This was God’s reward! (Psalm 127:3-5) Sure, it came with multiple discomforts, but it was a blessing nevertheless.

I speak in the past tense, because that is what I said to him that day, but it would be just as appropriate to say all those same things in the present tense, since I still feel that way.

Has there ever been anything in your life that you complained about even though you knew it was the right thing to do? Or perhaps it was some hardship you knew God had allowed for a purpose, but you didn’t feel willing to accept it with grace? Did you feel guilty about it? What helped your attitude to change?

I think we all struggle with our selfish tendencies from time to time. It would be dishonest to deny it. I’m so thankful for God’s patience, understanding, and grace!

I’m also thankful that difficult experiences don’t last forever but are only for a season. And, when we live for God, according to the directions for living He’s given us in His Word, those experiences have eternal value and are never in vain.

So, I want to learn to accept that those times will come and face them with perseverance, knowing that whatever God puts us through is for a good reason. During pregnancy, those particular trials can be seen as seasons to rest in God’s loving Fatherly arms, times to practice trusting Him, opportunities to get closer to God by focusing more on Him and those things with eternal value and less on the world and those things which are only temporal.

~Jessica

Published by Jessica Roldan

44 thoughts on “Seasons to Rest”

  2. Congratulations on new blessing. Hun I going thru same I got my daughter who only 7 months old and got baby #6 due June 2022. I was shock and been tried and nausea but you right we got put our trust In faith in the lord. In begin i was not wanting to be pregent again too. Now I’m happy for another blessing.

    Reply

    1. Hi, Monica,

      Congratulations on baby #6 who is due in June! I can sympathize with your feelings. I’m glad we can encourage each other to keep on trusting in God. 🙂

      ~Jessica

      Reply

  3. Congratulations, Jessica and family!! What a wonderful (and, at times, hard) blessing!

    Praise God for His gentle admonishments and convictions! (I have to share something amusing I thought of when I read about your husband helping you watch the children. I don’t remember why I left the children at home while I ran an errand years ago, but when I got home my husband (who is a horse trainer) laughingly told me about being on the phone with a client while I was gone and he had her hold for a minute because, he told her, he was “babysitting” and needed to help one of the kids with something. Without missing a beat his client told him, “when they’re you’re children, it’s called “parenting”.” That made me chuckle…and gave me pause about how both he and I talk about parenting our kids!)

    You asked about seasons of complaint. That is actually something I have found myself doing this past year or so – about the life I completely LOVE! I was blessed to have my last two kids in my 40s and I am still homeschooling the youngest 3. (Read: I am a tired mama. While my girlfriends who stopped having kids at a younger age are going on vacations, sleeping in on weekends, and having girlfriend getaways, I’m still momming 24/7.) I am blessed to have adult children and young grandchildren. I am fortunate to have a loving mother-in-law (recently widowed) who I get to love on and support as she goes through this life with a disability and, now, without her loving husband. Praise God, my own parents are alive and live about an hour away. We host a church in our home, and live on a hundred acre ranch with 5 other families in ministry. Read: we have a wonderful, blessed, beautiful, often-hard, life. (As a dear friend says, “it’s a good life if you don’t weaken.”) Over recent years, however, I have developed a habit of self-pity and complaining when all of those blessings feel like a bit of a pressure cooker. God showed me two things:
    1. When I’m thinking about ME, I usually end up complaining.
    2. When I focus on the challenges rather than the blessings…when I refuse to be grateful…I end up feeling sorry for myself and complaining….all while I actually live the life of my (and many other people’s) dreams! Isn’t Satan crafty?
    So, above my desk is a reminder from basketball coach John Wooden: “happiness begins where selfishness ends.”

    You’re doing a good work, Jessica. A hard work, but a good one. If I’ve learned anything in my 54 years (33 of those as a mother), it’s that very few good works are also easy works. So, sometimes when the days are long and the nights are short and I’m thinking, “surely I shouldn’t feel this old at my age,” I ask myself, “when you are going to meet Jesus, what do you want to look back and see you did right now?” The eternal perspective is what gets my heart right.

    God bless you and your newest wee one. I’ll be praying for all of you!

    Reply

    1. Hi, SBS,

      Your comment was both amusing (funny story about your husband — I laughed with that one!) and convicting/encouraging. I am comforted to see how well you are able to relate to some of my feelings, and I’m so thankful for the wise things you have been learning that you’ve shared with me. Yes, it’s the eternal persective that we need to remember! Thanks for that loving reminder.

      ~Jessica

      Reply

    1. I love that you could be raw. I must admit I had this attitude with number 5 and I have repented too. God is so good … Rich in mercy. Congratulations on your precious number 9!! Praying for a healthy pregnancy and delivery. May the Lord sustain you through it all.

      Reply

      1. I really appreciate your loving support, Natali! And your honesty about your own experience was such an encouragement to me, because it reminded me that I’m not the only one that struggles at times.

        ~Jessica

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  5. Congratulations❤️ I just turned 41 earlier this week, and our youngest will be 3 tomorrow. Despite having 9 c-sections to deliver our 9 living children, we still have let God control our fertility. I’ve been so sad recently because I’m not expecting again, and I normally would be. Your post reminds me to praise God anyway. I’ve trusted him thus far, there is no need to stop now. I’m excited for you and your family. I’ll say a prayer that God will carry you through this tough time and give you renewed strength and energy ♥️

    Reply

    1. Thank you, Maudie!

      It is so impressive to me that you trusted God to be in charge of your fertily through 9 c-sections! I am truly encouraged by your enduring faith.

      Your comment reminded me that just as some of us don’t feel like we want to be pregnant again yet, there are others that don’t want to stop having children yet. Yes, your comment caused me to consider that the end of my fertility would not only mean the end of morning sickness, etc., but also the end of having children. It was a chance for me to re-evaluate and re-appreciate the time that God has given me to be fertile and to re-commit myself to trusting in His perfect wisdom for me.

      Thank you for your helpful remarks and for your praying for me. 🙂
      ~Jessica

      Reply

  6. How beautiful! Congratulations! ❤
    I’ve losted a little baby very early in my pregnancy, in november (would be due to July). 😪 Since then i’m looking forward to next baby!
    God bless you with your whole family!

    Reply

    1. Hi, Anna,

      I’m so very sorry to hear about the loss of your precious little baby, early in pregnancy. I pray for God’s loving comfort and healing for you and your family.

      And I really appreciate your congratulations, so sweet of you! 🙂
      ~Jessica

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  8. Thank you for your honest sharing, Jessica. I see His light through your living testimony. I pray that God keep both you and your baby safe. With much love and respect.

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  9. Hi Jessica. This is WONDERFUL NEWS! I was kinda expecting this to happen soon. It’s great we (plus Monica) all get to be pregnancy buddies! Like Monica, I’m due (with #3) in June. Happily, I’ve avoided morning sickness. It like you, I’ve been BLESSED with a wonderfully understanding and helpful husband.

    A quick update on our family: Sean is officially potty trained! YAY! And in big news: Ruthie recently took her first tentative steps (13 months). The other day I was nursing Sean (NEITHER in ANY HURRY to wean) and he latched off for a moment, asking,”what’s that?” The baby had kicked while he nursed. I explained what happened, and he relatched happily and finished.

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    1. Thank you, Courtney! Yes, it’s neat that we get to be “pregnancy buddies.” That’s a cute way of putting it!

      So wonderful that Ruthie took her first steps, that Sean is potty trained, and that everything is going well with your pregnancy! 🙂

      ~Jessica

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  11. I’m very happy for you and the family over your 9th blessing! Yey! Thankyou for your honesty, though, with your feelings on the downside of pregnancy. That was a very precious moment with your husband. Sometimes I think that our husbands can convey to us what we know in our hearts to be true and that we have been convicted of all along from the Lord.
    To answer your question, I have definitely complained to the Lord inside my heart (and to my adult children not so quietly)in my grief over my husband going home to heaven/being taken from us. I selfishly wanted to grow old and gray with him, see our children marry and bounce grandbabies on our knees. Oh, how he loved children! He would’ve been thrilled for you, Jessica.
    That’s the downside of the situation, but I’ve learned that God’s timing is always perfect. His plan for my husband’s earthly life is done, but He still has a plan for my life and the lives of my kids. God is faithful. He keeps His promises. I’m so very thankful that Jesus conquered death, and we’ll be able to see each other again! We have HOPE!
    Definitely not about babies and pregnancy, but I thought I’d do some honest sharing. I’m sorry if this brought anyone sadness.

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    1. Ruthie, thank you for your willingness to share your grief in losing your husband, and of your response at times to the Lord. I believe we all have our complaints to the Lord, and I am convicted that mine are for so much less reason than yours. I am very sorry for the loss to you and your children. Last week, I read a recommendation for a book called The Undistracted Widow: Living for God After Losing Your Husband, by Carol Cornish. She lost her husband of 38 years to cancer. I’ve not read the book, but the reviews were very positive. I will remember you in prayer as you walk through this suffering. Nancy

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      1. Thankyou, Nancy, for your kind words and for your prayers. I’m going to look that book up straight away. Her situation sounds similar to my losing my husband to the side effects of cancer treatment. We had been married for 32 yrs.
        Thanks again, Ruthie

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    2. Ruthie,

      Your message was such a ray of hope and courage to me! I never would think it was “selfish” of you to grieve such a great loss, but I understand what you’re saying about needing to trust in God and submit to His will and timing, even when it’s hard for us (and painful). Thank you for that loving reminder, which was a real blessing to me.

      ~Jessica

      Reply

  12. Thank you for this beautiful sharing with your true heart.
    It is so nice to hear that your family is supporting you in such way.
    Praying for you from Japan.I am glad to read this article today.
    God bless you and take care!

    Reply

  13. How beautiful and wonderful Jessica! (although some of the physical symptoms may not feel as wonderful.) And it’s so very true that gratefulness can be one of the best medicines (along with sleep, water, prayer and laughter of course) it may be hard to automatically feel grateful for age-old, taken for granted gifts. If it`s not something new and shiny, we tend to pass it by as something as ordinary as soil or stone. every year there’s a new cell phone model. new trends. new expectations. sometimes it takes a moment to think how amazing it is that even the most ordinary of things exist at all! We would think soil and stone were precious if they were the only things to exist. If God making people in his image was one of the greatest things to ever happen, then it still is each time someone new joins us here on earth! each baby that is born is just as special to him as Adam and eve were. What an amazing gift for women to be given. And like you have said before, a gift only we were given. Although I have yet to become a mother and experience the things that go along with it, I often think to myself when feeling stressed, injured, or ill, that hey, I exist! and there are so many things worth experiencing (including difficult situations and icky feelings) now that there isn’t just a void of nothingness anymore! take care of yourself Jessica, and may your family (littlest now included!) be in good health and spirit alike 🙂

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    1. Hi, Simona,

      I really enjoyed reading your comment. I even read part of out loud to some of my children: “If God making people in his image was one of the greatest things to ever happen, then it still is each time someone new joins us here on earth! Each baby that is born is just as special to him as Adam and Eve were.” What a great point! How true!

      Thank you so much for taking the time to leave me an encouraging message,
      ~Jessica

      Reply

  14. Good to hear from you again! Hope we don’t need to wait so long for the next post!😀
    I can struggle with the questions as to why I needed to go through sickness, discomfort, and pain to bring our first born (a son) into this world only to have him die shortly after birth. It’s been several years now and I am hopefully somewhat at a place now where I can think that perhaps his short life and his early death had a greater impact on more people than if he would have lived to be an old man…🌹
    We’ve been blessed with a number of children since, mostly boys, and hope these precious children grow to have a positive impact on the world, wherever God wants them…we just never know what God has in mind for each and every child He allows us to conceive…🥀
    Submission and self denial go hand in hand, do they not? We will not always understand God’s will and ways but we can always submit. Therein lies peace, joy, rest, hope, and happiness (a lifetime of learning on that for me, I imagine ☺️)….
    He gently carries those who are with young…what a comfort!🌈

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  16. Saw Kellie today (I hit 20 weeks yesterday). She’s impressed how well I’m doing, considering I’m nursing two eager toddlers. She joked,”You’re gonna keep me busy, aren’t you?” I laughed,”Oh, that’s DEFINITELY the plan.”

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  17. I loved this post. I have never been a mother but what you experienced I feel I can apply to my life. I have definitely been complaining and wishing for more more more. But the idea that I would only do God’s Will IF it’s easy, or IF I like it, etc. is totally of the flesh and not pleasing to the Lord. I found your blog after reading your post on the head covering movement website, and I’m glad that I did. Thank you for sharing and of course congratulations on your 9th child! Wow!

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  18. Right after Christmas break, Brian went to speak with the headmaster. He told him,”We need to talk.” All the headmaster said was,”When is she due?”
    With a BIG smile. (Brian is VERY well liked at the school, especially with colleagues) Brian told the master,”End of June.” Which works well because the school year ends at Memorial Day.

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  20. Congratulations, Jessica! I’m so happy that I decided to stop by your blog and see what you’ve been up to. I can relate to your feelings very much. I’ve experienced the same during some of my pregnancies. I hope you are feeling better, and your pregnancy is going well!

    Reply

    1. Thank you so much, Nicole! It’s so nice to hear from you! I’m glad to know you can relate to my feelings that I mentioned in the post. It does help to know I’m not alone in that experience. 🙂

      Yes, the pregnancy is going well! I’m feeling tired, but not nauseous anymore, so that’s good!

      ~Jessica

      Reply

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