Is Living Together (Cohabitation) the Same as Being Married?

I’d like to be super transparent with you right from the very beginning of this article by saying that I lived with my future husband for about five years before we were married. The amount of time we’ve been living together is about 17 years (our relationship totals 18 years), while the amount of time we’ve been married is about 12. Out of my own first-hand experience, observation of other people, and knowledge of the Bible, I am writing this. Maybe someone who is living with her boyfriend will find clarification from this article about what the Lord’s will is. Perhaps someone with a family member or acquaintance who is cohabiting will find biblical answers on how to respond. Or possibly, you yourself can relate to my past and will be able to find both truth and grace to deal with that history, here.

A peek into the past

If you read my post on finding answers to my faith questions during my turbulent young adult years, you already know that I made some poor choices at that time.

I was a young fool who didn’t think I needed to listen to anybody. So I didn’t. Not surprisingly, my life was pretty horrible for awhile. I really, honestly believe that it was only faith in God (however weak it may have been), love for my children, and hope for the future (however naive it may have seemed) that kept me going.

I wanted what was best for my son, and later on, a daughter, so I continued a relationship that I desperately wanted to work out. By God’s grace, it did. You don’t go from being nearly crushed to being a joyful mother of children keeping house for her family (Psalm 113:19) without God’s help. Where I am today is the result of God’s absolutely undeserved mercy–plus many years of slow and sometimes painful transformation. Repentance and total humility were crucial elements in that change. In no way do I condone my previous lifestyle. I do not think it was God’s will for me to sin. Many people, including myself, were hurt. However, God had mercy on me and made something good out of something that had started out very bad. (I will speak more about this later on in the article.)

What I learned about “living together”

When God finally brought us to church (total miracle), the pastor soon inquired into the state of our relationship. We were honest with him, and he was relieved to see that we understood the importance of getting married and that we were currently working toward making that happen. He supported us in that.

Later, the pastor invited us to a marriage conference, though we weren’t yet married. Let me tell you how that went.

Only a few people from that church knew our sitatuation (because we had told them), but with the two children we already had, the rest must have assumed we were husband and wife. They probably didn’t see anything strange about our going to the conference. It was really helpful to get all that information on how to have a good relationship, and I’m glad we went — but at one point during the conference I didn’t feel glad.

There was a “renewal of vows” near the end. The pastor announced that every married couple was invited to come forward to do this. We knew it didn’t apply to us, so we continued to sit down, embarrassed. I felt humiliated and defeated. I rushed off to the bathroom. Once there, I cried bitterly.

Was the pastor being cruel? No, I don’t believe so. He had sincerely wanted to help us when he invited us to the conference. But then, the truth is the truth, and I had to face it at some point. When I finally did, it was hard–very hard. And yet, it was what needed to happen.

I hadn’t really been happy about “living together.” Are you kidding?

• I missed out on the excitement of a godly romance leading up to the beauty of the wedding kiss after the pronouncement of “Now you may kiss the bride”!

• I missed out on the joy of planning a wedding unstained by a shady past!

• I missed out on feeling pure and undefiled!

• I missed out on our giving each other the “complete gift” of coming together for the very first time on our wedding night as virgins!

• I missed out on being able to receive our first two children with the total, unhindered joy shared by a husband and wife who look forward to getting pregnant and making a family together!

• I missed out on feeling like a respectable woman! I was ashamed of my way of living. I felt like a mistress, not a wife. And that’s essentially what I was.

I could keep on going with this list. I knew that “living together” was not the same as being married. At that time, I did not feel totally loved by my partner. I felt like I had been used to fill a hole of loneliness in his life, but full commitment had been lacking. I felt I was an accessory, but not necessary. I felt cheated of the dignity and durability of marriage.

I learned that “living together” does not make you happy. What a woman really wants is to marry a good man of godly character and strength who loves her selflessly and endlessly and wants to give her the absolute best. What a woman really wants is a man who desires her with all his heart, but is also self-controlled enough to restrain his desires for the sake of what is best for her and their long-term relationship. She only settles on cohabitation because she doesn’t have patience to wait for what’s best. Perhaps she’s allowed herself to be led astray by the deceitfulness of sin (Hebrews 3:13), which promises something wonderful but delivers something empty, instead.

What does the Bible say about cohabiting?

Does it count to do what Jude Law and Nicole Kidman did in the movie Cold Mountain when right before they became intimate they repeated the phrase, “I marry you, I marry you, I marry you”? Can we promise ourselves to each other in secret? Here’s the biblical answer:

“In the mouth of two or three witnesses shall every word be established” (Deut. 19:15; Matt. 18:16; 2 Cor. 13:1)

It isn’t legally binding in the biblical sense to promise yourselves to each other in secret. There need to be at least two or three witnesses.

It’s also important to maintain a good reputation/witness by respecting your government’s laws for marriage:

“Having your conversation [conduct] honest among the Gentiles: that, whereas they speak against you as evildoers, they may by your good works, which they shall behold, glorify God in the day of visitation. Submit yourselves to every ordinance of man for the Lord’s sake: whether it be to the king, as supreme; Or unto governors, as unto them that are sent by him for the punishment of evildoers, and for the praise of them that do well.” 1 Pet. 2:12-14

It isn’t “honest conduct” to live together after a secret promise that nobody else was witness to. If you’re a Christian, it should be obvious that this isn’t the way to bring glory to God or to be a good ambassador for Christ. Everybody, even pagan nonbelievers, knows that marriage is about promising to commit yourself to someone for life. Every reasonable person knows that a promise made in secret is a promise easily broken. Every reasonable person also knows that to have sex with someone doesn’t mean you’re married to them; if that were true, whoremongers would be married to every prostitute they’ve ever had sex with. No; cohabitation is a way to live together without the commitment. If something happens, there’s an easy way out. Everybody knows this.

We need to get married according to our government’s definition of what constitutes a legal “marriage,” because God wants us to “submit yourselves to every ordinance of man.” Doing so brings glory to Him. He wants us to respect the laws of our country. He doesn’t want us to give any person a reason to speak against us as evildoers. If there were some very good reason you could not submit yourself to a governmental ordinance, then perhaps you could have a ceremony involving your pastor and two or three witnesses to validate it. But that is not the same as deciding for yourselves (by making a promise to each other in secret) to just start living together.

The Bible upholds marriage as the only honorable form of sharing your life intimately with someone else:

“Marriage is honourable in all, and the bed undefiled: but whoremongers and adulterers God will judge.” Hebrews 13:4

And Jesus Himself differentiated between cohabitation and marriage:

“The woman saith unto him, Sir, give me this water, that I thirst not, neither come hither to draw. Jesus saith unto her, Go, call thy husband, and come hither. The woman answered and said, I have no husband. Jesus said unto her, Thou hast well said, I have no husband: For thou hast had five husbands; and he whom thou now hast is not thy husband: in that saidst thou truly.” John 4:15-18

God does not view the person you live with and are having sex with as your rightful spouse. If you’re living with your boyfriend, he is not your husband, no matter how many times you’ve had sex with each other. Your relationship is sexually immoral. The correct solution to a lust problem is to marry, not live together:

“Nevertheless, to avoid fornication, let every man have his own wife, and let every woman have her own husband.” 1 Cor. 7:2

Sex before marriage is called “fornication” in this verse. That’s a sin God wants us to avoid.

From GotQuestions.org, “What constitutes marriage according to the Bible?”:

So, what constitutes marriage in God’s eyes? It would seem that the following principles should be followed:

1) As long as the requirements are reasonable and not against the Bible, a man and a woman should seek whatever formal governmental recognition is available.

2) A man and a woman should follow whatever cultural, familial, and covenantal practices are typically employed to recognize a couple as “officially married.”

3) If possible, a man and a woman should consummate the marriage sexually, fulfilling the physical aspect of the “one flesh” principle.

I would like to dedicate the next portion of this article to giving some suggestions on how I believe we can respond in a biblical way to “living together.” I will give my suggestions to the three types of readers I mentioned at the beginning of this article:

1. Someone who is currently living with her boyfriend.
2. Someone who has a family member or acquaintance who is cohabiting.
3. Someone who is no longer living with her boyfriend, but needs help in dealing with her past.

Next steps

Someone who is currently living with her boyfriend

If I could have given my younger self some advice, I would have said this:

At any time, you can change direction. You can look for help; don’t let embarrassment get in the way. Be humble enough to admit you’ve done something wrong. There are people in your life who want to help you do the right thing! Find them, and get their advice. Maybe doing the right thing will mean doing something hard, something painful. But consider not just the “now”; consider the long-term. What will be best for everybody in the long-term?

Read the Bible. Get close to God. Find out what He says is true. Learn to apply that to your life, one step at a time.

If you don’t currently have children, it will be easier to make the choice to stop cohabiting. You and your boyfriend should ask yourselves if you are serious about continuing the relationship — but in a godly way. If the answer is yes, then let’s do this right. Don’t keep on having sex. Don’t treat each other as if you belong to each other — you don’t! He needs to make a lifelong commitment to you through legally-binding promises in front of witnesses before you are his. If you are serious about this, money shouldn’t be an issue. You can have a simple court wedding, if you need to.

Until you are married, if possible stay at the home of someone in your family or someone you trust to avoid temptation. Do your wedding planning while living separately. Consider this your chance at a sort of “second virginity.” You will feel so much better about your relationship, knowing that you have re-started it on the right footing! Look for a church you both like, where you can be married (if you choose to not get married at court).

One other way of doing this is to get married at court right away, so neither one of you has to move out (if that would be problematical), then plan a wedding ceremony at church later.

You should probably also take time to consider if this is the man you truly do want to spend the rest of your life with. Is he a believer? Is God, the Bible, and church important to him?

You’ve already given yourselves to each other in a huge way (through sex, which God says makes a man and woman “one flesh,” see 1 Cor. 6:16). It would be really hard to get past that, I think. Months or years of having an intimate relationship cannot easily be thrown behind one’s back. This relationship has deeply affected you physically, emotionally, mentally, and spiritually — you can’t deny the reality of the bond that’s been made in all those interconnected areas, and the way that bond has permanently influenced your life. You’ve already formed a meaningful union with each other, though not legally. Getting married in order to make your one-flesh union legal, even to a less-than-ideal man, would be the better move, in my mind (see Deut. 22:28-29). And yet . . . I think you may also have the option of a clean start if the man you’re currently with doesn’t want to get married or wouldn’t make a good husband or father to future children for serious reasons (for example, if you know him to be an abusive man).

If you do have children, this becomes more difficult. In that case, there are three main options I can think of:

(1) You stay together and get married as soon as possible.

(2) You separate temporarily in order to plan for the wedding.

(3) You separate permanently and decide on custody of the children.

Of these three options, I think #1 is the best. Regarding option #2, it would be really hard to take children away from one of their parents and from their home. Yes, it could be an object lesson in how to do things the “right” way, but it would also be potentially confusing and traumatizing to them, in my opinion. Option #3 is not in any way ideal; it is only what would happen if you told your boyfriend you wanted to get married and he was totally against it (1 Cor. 7:15). In that case, your only real option is to separate and find a way to move on. It wouldn’t be right to continue on indefinitely as his “concubine.”

This is a complicated situation; you should definitely seek out the advice of older, trusted, Christian adults who have a lot of wisdom and life experience.

Somone who has a family member or acquaintance who is cohabiting

I don’t believe it’s right to support a relationship that is not under God’s blessing. Help them get to the point where they can be under God’s blessing (officially married), and once that happens, then give them all the support you want!

So, for example, if an unmarried couple is having relationship problems and they ask you to pray for them, don’t do it! Their relationship is biblically classified as fornication; you can’t ask God to bless that. Instead, pray for them to get married. If they are willing to listen, lead them gently through what the Bible says about marriage. Let them know you want to help them make things right with God but that until they are actually married you can’t support their relationship (though if they have children, you can support their being good parents).

What if you’ve done that, and they still don’t care? Well, I’d say that your response depends on what that person’s relationship is to you, and if there are children involved.

If they are a couple who attends your church but aren’t related to you, then I think they should still be allowed and encouraged to come to church. That’s what you want them to do! The Word of God will not return void; give His Word the chance to work in their hearts. Conviction will do its part. Either they’ll get married, or they’ll leave.

But should they be allowed to have a position of leadership or influence in the church? I would say, Not until they repent. Otherwise, what kind of message is being sent to everyone else? That cohabiting is okay?

If your son or daughter is cohabiting with someone else, you may decide on a “tough love” approach in order to protect their younger siblings and to get the offending child to open his or her eyes. This might include certain visiting restrictions, among other things. You want to avoid recognizing the relationship as valid, because it isn’t. Don’t burn your bridges, though. Try to show you love them in biblically-condoned ways.

However, once that relationship produces children, you have to think about them. You still don’t want to validate something that is sinful. However, you don’t want to hurt the children. They are your grandchildren, and they are innocent of wrongdoing. For their sake, I believe it’s important to overlook your child’s foolishness in whatever ways you truthfully can, and learn to tolerate the situation but still without giving your blessing to fornication. How can you do that? It’s complicated, but with God’s help and wise advice, you’ll figure it out. My parents had to do that with me, and it must have been very painful and difficult for them. I’m so thankful they stuck around! My children have very loving grandparents.

And then, what if the cohabiting person is not as close to you as a son or daughter, but not as distanced from you as an aquaintance? What about a sister or brother, or some other sort of close relative? I think you should keep them in your life, but without condoning their sin. I had an aunt who was living with somebody and would sign all her Christmas cards with both her name and his with the prefix “Uncle” in front of his name. I was already an adult at this time. What was my response? I never called him, “Uncle,” not once, nor did I require this of my children. I knew he wasn’t any uncle of mine! Living together with my aunt didn’t make him my uncle. Was I courteous to him? Yes. Did I still love my aunt? Yes, of course. I just didn’t want her to think I accepted her choice to live with this man as if it were right before God. I don’t think she was a Christian at this time, so I felt that patience was appropriate.

There are many variations in the type of situation you might find yourself dealing with in relation to a cohabiting couple; these are just a few thoughts coming from my end on how to approach some common scenarios. However, I will give you one huge piece of advice that I think applies well to any situation:

Do not make the mistake of believing that your efforts to correct a sin will be well-received. They may (which is unlikely), or they may not. Do not set your expectations too high; in fact, it might be better to intentionally set them low. Only in God put your trust, then be patient for Him to work. You may have to be patient for years.

People living in sin do not usually respond well to being told they’re wrong. Instead, they are more likely to turn the tables on you and accuse you of being “unloving.” Be prepared for this possibility. Don’t let it deter you. If you gently but unequivocally tell someone who is cohabiting that they are living in sin, you have done the right thing. How they respond is their choice. If they get mad at you, then it isn’t your fault for being “unloving”; it’s theirs for being prideful. Toughen up and do the right thing, in a loving way.

“I wrote unto you in an epistle not to company with fornicators: Yet not altogether with the fornicators of this world, or with the covetous, or extortioners, or with idolaters; for then must ye needs go out of the world. But now I have written unto you not to keep company, if any man that is called a brother be a fornicator, or covetous, or an idolater, or a railer, or a drunkard, or an extortioner; with such an one no not to eat. For what have I to do to judge them also that are without? do not ye judge them that are within? But them that are without God judgeth. Therefore put away from among yourselves that wicked person.” 1 Cor. 5:9-13

But if that person repents . . .

“Sufficient to such a man is this punishment, which was inflicted of many [see the verses above]. So that contrariwise ye ought rather to forgive him, and comfort him, lest perhaps such a one should be swallowed up with overmuch sorrow. Wherefore I beseech you that ye would confirm your love toward him.” 2 Cor. 2:6-8

It can be hard to have a balanced response, with a tendency to either be too harsh on one end or too lenient on the other, but let’s try to follow Jesus’ example:

“And the Word was made flesh, and dwelt among us (and we beheld His glory, the glory as of the only Begotten of the Father), full of grace AND truth.” John 1:14

Someone who needs help in dealing with her past

When I was still “living together” with my future husband, I didn’t openly accuse people of being unloving (though I may have thought it). At first, I avoided church out of rebellion; I didn’t want to give anyone the chance to say anything to me. Later, I avoided church out of humiliation; I didn’t want to be embarrassed. I think that my having a child (later, children) with this man further complicated the situation, leading other people to not know how to handle it. I must say, the people in my life were very kind to me. I actually think they could have been a bit more honest and it would have been okay.

Would I have accepted it? I really don’t know. If someone had said something to me while I was still in that situation, I might have brushed it off, thinking, “You don’t understand.” But as much as I may not have liked it, I would have thought about it. Actually, my mother did say something (I think she was the only one), and I didn’t like it. I’ve had years to ruminate over what she said to me, and I still don’t know if it was the best advice for my situation. But her heart was in the right place, and I can appreciate that now. My life was pretty complicated, and I don’t know what I could have done to fix things once they had gotten past a certain point beyond just doing the best with what was there.

At what point are you?

I’m assuming you’re not the woman who is currently living with your boyfriend; I’m assuming you’re the one who’s already been in that place and is trying to build her life up from the wreckage. Oh, I know how that is! I’ve spent many years working toward that very same goal! Not a single day has gone by that has not brought some regret or reminder from the past. Even sometimes at night while dreaming, I’m unable to escape it. But there are a few important things I’ve come to realize, or more realistically, am continuing to come to realize, and they are these:

1. God forgives.
2. You’re still breathing, so God still has a purpose for your life.
3. Yesterday’s sin is past; today is a new day.

I can’t let guilt over something in the past I’ve already repented of cripple my ability to live in the present. I still hate what I did, I hate that I hurt people, and I’m willing to tell them how sorry I am all over again if I thought it would help. I just can’t take it back. Time only goes forward. What am I going to do? Dress in black rags and starve myself in remorse? Let my house go to ruin, neglect my children, spit on my husband in payment for his sins? I’ve already been told I’m a “this” and I’m a “that”; I’ve already called myself plenty of bad names, too. Okay–at some point you have to move on from there.

That’s the thing: You have to be brave enough to accept God’s kindness toward you.

Here’s what I mean: You’ve spent so much time beating yourself up about this thing. When other people beat you up about it, too (if they ever do), maybe you just let them because you know you deserve it. But you’re not doing yourself, or anyone else, any favors by continuing to live this narrative of “bad girl does bad things and has lost her respectability forever.” No. You can be respectable again. You can be good again. Actually, no one’s really good; they just think they are (Rom. 3:10-11). We all depend upon the mercy of God. We all depend upon Jesus. So let’s accept His sacrifice for our sins and move forward into the new life Jesus came to give us! (John 10:10) Every sinner who repents is a fresh recipient of new life — an overflowing fountain of life! — and what do you think Jesus would have us do with that new life? Allow it to transform us! Let it propel us forward!

We need to be brave in accepting that what God has cleansed, is clean (Acts 10:14-16 and 1 Cor. 6:9-11). You and I — we can still be homemakers, faithful, discreet, pure, loving, kind, surrendered to God’s will, tender mothers, homeschooling mothers, modest, old-fashioned . . . Our past sins do not disqualify us from being good NOW. Anyone who tries to make us feel guilty about our past after we have repented is wrong.

During one season of my life, I was stuck, and God reached down, and He un-stuck me. Why? I’m convinced it was so I could live for Him, which is what He had wanted all along! He set me free so I could fulfill His purpose for my life. He set me on a trajectory of godliness after I had been distracted and detoured by un-godliness. He knew I had just started the race of faith, and that I needed to continue it (Heb. 12:1).

And you know, we don’t really need to talk about the past anymore, even though I’ve been doing that very thing throughout this whole article. There will be times when an honest heart-to-heart will be beneficial; but the rest of the time, we can treat the past like the past and leave it behind. You are washed clean; live that way! Yes, we have regrets, we always will; but while those regrets educate us, they don’t condemn us, they don’t enslave us. We’ve been set free to live each day for the glory of God, and to do so with joy.

“Rejoice in the Lord always. Again I will say, rejoice!” Phil. 4:4

“Flee sexual immorality. Every sin that a man does is outside the body, but he who commits sexual immorality sins against his own body. Or do you not know that your body is the temple of the Holy Spirit who is in you, whom you have from God, and you are not your own? For you were bought at a price; therefore glorify God in your body and in your spirit, which are God’s.” 1 Cor. 6:18-20

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This was a pretty intense post. I don’t have any specific conversation-starters planned. I think we should just begin with, What are your thoughts after reading this?

~Jessica