Just the other day, I read something in a Focus on the Family newsletter that really surprised me. I hadn’t thought it was standard practice for them to include letters such as the following one in their publications, or to encourage leaving family size in God’s hands (though maybe I’ve somehow missed it). However, I was so pleased to see that they included this one! Maybe this is the beginning of an upward trend in favor of more Christians trusting God in this area. I certainly hope and pray so!
Shari’s Testimony
From Focus on the Family newsletter “Jim’s Heart”, May 2021:
Years ago, I felt God tugging at my heart about the size of my family and His urging to place it into His hands. I tuned into Focus on the Family and a lady was sharing how God spoke to her about the same issue. She explained her conviction that God was the one who designed her family, and she relayed how God’s plan unfolded. Her testimony was the confirmation I needed. At the time I heard her words on the broadcast, I had two sons and a daughter. After the birth of my third child, countless people said, ‘Now your family is complete!’ But inwardly I felt that it was not God’s plan and that I needed to trust Him. Further confirmation came from my sister-in-law, who had listened to the very same broadcast. She knew my struggle and asked if I had listend that day! God is so good! My husband and I put things in God’s hands, and our family grew to five sons, four daughters, and two precious little ones who left early to reside in Heaven. We gleaned much instruction in the raising of our children from listening to Focus on the Family! Thank you all for so many years of Christ-centered instruction! –Shari, West Virginia
Greg and Fonda’s Testimony
And here’s something very inspiring from their most recent family magazine, dated June/July 2021, about a “Reluctant Dad.” A few highlights from that story:
“Kid No. 4 was Greg’s [the father’s] breaking point,” Fonda [the mother] says. “It’s not that he didn’t want her. It was the influence of our culture–one boy, one girl, no more kids–and the negativity from both our parents, combined with the sky-high cost of living.”
“I cried on the phone to a man I will never meet” [when he talked to someone from Focus on the Family’s counseling ministry], Greg says. “I expressed my shame at not being able to provide what I considered to be a minimum standard for my children.”
The counselor’s name was Geremy, and he was taken aback by Greg’s remorse. Greg, Geremy insisted, was a success by almost any standard. Maybe he didn’t enroll his kids in every sport or buy them all the latest gear, but he showered them with affection and availability. Isn’t that what every child remembers long after batteries are dead and gadgets discarded?
“[Geremy] said, ‘The first thing you need to realize is that kids are always a bessing. Always. They’re gifts from God.’ And the second thing he said was, ‘Kids value relationships, not stuff.'”
Geremy encouraged Greg to post verses around their home highlighting God’s promises about offspring, and to list the things they treasured about each child. He assured Greg that the problem wasn’t with him, but with a culture that says 1.9 children is ideal, and anything more than three is What were you thinking?
Greg and Fonda stopped listening to what the culture says about the size of their family. They now have seven blessings–four boys and three girls–and remain open to more. Greg describes life in their home as organized chaos and constant mayhem, yet it’s also a lot of fun, and no one is ever lonely. “We tell our kids that they are our special treasure from God,” Greg says. “Our home is filled with joy.”
Psalm 127:3-5 was included in the article as a highlight-
“Behold, children are a heritage from the LORD, the fruit of the womb a reward. Like arrows in the hand of a warrior are the children of one’s youth. Blessed is the man who fills his quiver with them!”
My Thoughts
I love how the counselor, Geremy, encouraged Greg with the truth. Advising him to find and post verses around their home with God’s promises about offspring was such a great suggestion! That’s similar to what I try and encourage people to do: Find every verse in the Bible which touches on the subject of having children so that we can know the truth about this. Those verses can help us stay strong in the truth when our culture, our family, our friends–even our own thoughts–accuse us of being “irresponsible” and cause us to doubt the wisdom of trusting God in this area.
Isn’t it so true that the problem isn’t with us, but with a culture that doesn’t value children? Even our church-culture has bought into this lie. I look around our church, and it seems to me that everyone except us must be using birth control of some sort, whether temporary or permanent. The average amount of children per family is about three.
We don’t have to, nor ever should we, apologize or feel guilty for having a large family. Absolutely not! It isn’t “responsible” to use birth control; it’s responsible to trust God with our lives. When we do that–when we trust His wisdom and timing and accept every, single child He chooses to send us as a gift, without attempting to restrict those gifts through birth control–we are actually acting very wisely, and no person has a valid right to try and make us feel guilty.
In fact, we have a right to tell them the truth about the lie they’ve been believing. Lovingly, gently, kindly, compassionately–but the truth. Jesus said, “The truth shall set you free” (John 8:32). Many people, without realizing it, are living under the burden of the belief that more children would damage their lives. The man fears to impregnate his wife, the wife fears to be impregnated by her husband, and neither of them give themselves fully to the marriage act or accept their bodies the way God made them.
By using birth control, we imply that another child would be a mistake. How can we say that each child is a gift, but at the same time try and keep that gift away? Aren’t gifts meant to be received? Our use of birth control implies that another child, at this point in time, would not be a good gift. Yes, that’s the level to which we’ve embraced the illogical. That’s the level to which we’ve become non-sense-makers. We say one thing and do another. What’s the word Jesus uses for people like that? Isn’t it “Hypocrites”? Might He not say to us, too, “Oh, you of little faith, why did you doubt?” (Matt. 14:31).
God wants to set us free from our fears!
Using birth control imprisons us in a mindset of fear. But trusting God, no matter what the obstacles or the hardships in this fallen world, releases us from that fear. Faith sets things in motion that fear had blocked. Faith can move mountains (Matthew 17:20), and faith can move a mountain of fear in our hearts to clear a place for peace there, instead.
When Greg was finally able to trust God, he was set free from his anxiety. He realized that even though he couldn’t give his family everything he had wanted to give them, he could give them his love and his available time, and that was enough. I am so glad that God opened Greg and Fonda’s eyes, and that He used the counselor named Geremy as a tool to do His work in their lives.
And, thinking back to the letter at the beginnig of this post, I am so thankful that God reached out and used one woman’s testimony on a radio broadcast to help another lady, Shari, trust God to plan her family, too. Oh, to see more and more of this happening in the lives of Christian couples everywhere!
Will you pray with me for this?
A Prayer
Dear Lord,
We are Your Church. You love us and are preparing us as Your Bride, cleansing us from spot, and wrinkle, and all blemishes, making us holy (Eph. 5:27). Please cleanse us from the stain of not trusting You in the area of having children. Please wash away the filth we’ve been splattered with by agreeing with the world that birth control is good, even though it is really a distortion of Your purpose for marriage and the way you designed our bodies. We pray that You would wash us clean as the Holy Spirit convicts our hearts of the truth. Make us holy. Make us a light that shines in the darkness. Make us salt that hasn’t lost its savor. Cause us to see what Your Word says about having children with super-clear vision. Help us to have an eternal mindset, to see things the way You do, to have “God-vision.” Heal our blindness. Teach us not to be stubborn. Help us to accept the truth and live by faith. We pray that you would put in our hearts a love for children, even those children yet to be conceived. Help us to receive them as Jesus received children, to value them as Jesus valued them, without turning them away because we falsely think they will interfere with “more important” things, or damage our lives in some way (Luke 18:15-17). Help us to see with eyes of faith, not fear. Give us courage to leave behind our old ways, our earthly comforts, our false crutches; make us brave to face the challenges, the hardships, the pain, of this life. Heal our diseases of the heart, just as Jesus healed the multitudes of all their infirmities (Matt. 12:15; 15:30). We pray that you would transform our churches into “Children-loving, fully-trusting-in-Your-wisdom-and-timing, faith-filled, set-apart, totally-holy, abundant-with-new-life, 100% pro-life-without-exceptions (not even for birth control), committed-to-Your-plan-for-our-families” churches. Cause the truth of Your Word to be lifted up in our hearts and churches. Also, give us love for each other, and guide us to support, help, and encourage each other as we go through difficulties. Give us wisdom to know how to meet those difficulties with truly biblical solutions, not worldly compromises. Strengthen and enable us to uphold the truth boldly, with kind and compassionate hearts, and without giving in to wrong ideas of how to “help” other people. We pray that this would be one more area that You would cleanse and make holy in our lives, alongside all other areas that need Your cleansing, as well. May we be wholly pure and perfect in preparation to meet You as Your Bride.
In Jesus’s Name. Amen.
~Jessica
Thank you sister what such a great message you have giving us. My family gets mad with me because this is 7th pregnancy I have 4 live children soon to be 5th today. And 3 mischarriage and both side of the family say ok time be done and be your last. But me and my husband say it’s all up to the lord when he says we’re done with children. So grateful to have a sister in christ who believe say way. God bless you and your family.
Dear Monica,
I will be praying for the birth today!
Children are always a blessing, even those who have problems or who are miscarried. God knows His own reasons why He lets things happen. Those children are in heaven with Him, and their lives are eternal. So, though you may have had them for a few weeks in the womb, God will have them with Him forever. What a gift you have given the Lord in your willingness to bear what are really HIS children, since He made them! Even though I know it has been very hard for you.
Yes, other people’s comments can be hurtful, especially when they come from family. We can pray for them, that God would open their eyes. And just keep yourself daily in God’s Word, getting to know it better and better. Having faith in His Word is what can help sustain us through our trials.
I’m so thankful to know you, too!
~Jessica
Monica – I am familiar with the comments of others, but it is great to hear that you and your husband have the good sense to follow Our Lord and leave it him to plan your family !
As our leaders in Church and as our heads within the family I would ask all Christian men to reject the practice and toleration of birth control in Christian marriage and to accept as husbands the responsibilities of fatherhood as God plans it for their family.
Yes, Susanne!
I, also, would ask for the men to take the lead in saying No to this in their own families, first; and secondly, to make it clear to the rest of the church that it is sinful and not condoned. Before the “privacy act” of the 1930’s (I think it was around that time), what people did in the bedroom was considered an issue of morality and could be either supported or condemned. Now, it is considered an issue of “privacy,” which makes it appear like something nobody else has a right to condemn. But, if we are going to be biblical, that is simply not true; if Paul could speak about what Christians did in the bedroom, then we can, too. And we can expect morality there, just as much as in any other aspect of the Christian life. There is really no difference, especially since what we do with our private lives ends up affecting the rest of the family, church, and society.
~Jessica
This was a beautiful post! I was so grateful when I met Brian that we were united in our conviction of leaving our family size up to the Lord. We currently have 2 children (Sean turns 2 on Wednesday), and we EAGERLY await our next child.
Thanks, Courtney! Yes, I agree that you were very blessed to meet and marry a man of biblical convictions. And he was blessed to meet and marry you, too!
~Jessica
I realized I forgot the date! My little man turns 2 on Tuesday! :). BTW: in case anyone was curious about my last post: I’m not pregnant yet.
Happy Birthday to little Sean! I hope his day is full of fun!
Hi Jessica! We’re having a WONDERFUL day! We will have small party this Saturday.
Hi, Courtney, so glad to hear that he had a small party and a wonderful day!
Amen sister!
Thanks for your supportive feedback, Regina!
What a wonderfully encouraging post! Not pregnant yet (I think), but my husband and I are hoping to be blessed with children as soon as God chooses to do so 🙂
I’m so glad we’re both on the same page about trusting God!
Hi Erika, it’s great that you guys are in agreement about trusting Him with you family size. It is VITAL to be on the same page about it.
Hi, Erika!
So, it sounds like everything must have gone well with the wedding! Congratulations!!
It is so good to hear that you and your husband are in agreement about this. Children are a blessing, and Jesus taught us to receive them as we would receive Him! It is so encouraging for me, too, to see another Christian couple who believes that! 🙂
~Jessica
Wow, this was so good! I just sent it to my boyfriend. We always pray for God to bless us with as many children as He wants to give us (when we are married). This is something we both feel strongly about. It’s so good to have other people in your life who have those values. Thanks for blessing us here, Jessica!
Elisa, that is wonderful to hear! Do you have a date set for your wedding yet?
~Jessica
The reason I ask that, Elisa, is that you guys sound so close! I guess I would never have imagined a couple praying for God to give them children unless they were already married. Before then, isn’t it just something you talk about to make sure you’re on the same page? If you’re already so close in your relationship to be praying for children, then maybe getting married very soon is the right next step! Either that, or taking a temporary step back from the intensity of the relationship to examine from a logical standpoint if you really do want to spend the rest of your life with this person. 🙂 (And a whole lot more smiley faces, since I mean this from the very best place of my heart!)
I’m so glad you were blessed by my article! Thank you for sharing that, and you’re welcome!
~Jessica
Sorry I just saw your comment! So, we are hoping to marry next summer, preferably in June. We have not quite set a date yet, though we have thrown a few dates around. We have known from the beginning of our relationship that we would get married, so it has perhaps been a little bit unusual in that regard. We would love to marry sooner, but certain circumstances prevent that right now (lockdown where he is and personal obligations that I have to fulfill). Sadly. I appreciate the advice and can assure you we are keeping our conversations clean! 🙂
Hi Elisa,
It’s too bad Covid is putting a damper on wedding planning! Hopefully your day is wonderful!
Hi, Elisa-
You’re welcome! I don’t know you too well, except through this blog, so my advice is merely meant to be taken as “food for thought.” I’m so glad to see your humble spirit and gracious response!
~Jessica
Thank you Courtney and Jessica! I really appreciate y’all’s kind responses! 🙂
Bless you Erika and Elisa. You are very lucky to have found strong and Godly men.
Thank you Susanne!
While there is value in being on the same page as your husband -to -be concerning family size I think it needs to go further then that! Young lady , if you are in a courtship I advise you not to just sit back and think “whew! Atleast me and him are agreed to have as many children as God gives us!” I believe it needs to go further then this. How will you teach/train/nourish your children? Perhaps you want to homeschool your children but he wants to send them to school. Maybe you had a large birthday party for every birthday and dream of the ones you will throw for your children but to him that is not necessary. Or maybe child discipline in his home was more lenient then your’s… the list could go on and on. These are only examples to get you thinking… would fostering or adopting be something you would both be interested in pursuing if God doesn’t gift you with biological children…??
Hi Team you’re OF COURSE correct that agreeing on the number of children is just a FIRST step! I always knew we’d send our kids to the school Brian teaches at (regardless of where we ended up living). We also agree about celebrations and discipline.
Good points, Tea!
Of course there are a million other things to discuss. But for a Christian married couple, submission to God in the acceptance of his gift of children should be a fundamental of marriage
Hi Susanne,
Yes, definitely agree that providing God with His soldiers against sin and Godlessness is CRUCIAL, and is our primary duty.
Susanne, thanks for sharing your thoughts on this! (Courtney, I saw your comment, so thanks for your input, too!)
I think you’re right. There are levels of priority. For example, the #1 thing is that the other person is a true believer in Jesus; not just someone who says they are a follower of Christ, but someone whose life shows it to be true of them, no matter how imperfect they may be. From there, you move down the list of priorities. Maybe some people would arrange their list in a different way than others. But I agree that in the area of Life, that should be very high on the list. After all, what is the purpose of marriage? Those things that help us fulfill the purpose of marriage would be the most important items. So yes, accepting children is fundamental, I think.
The other things that come after that (child discipline, education, finances) are not as important, though they are good to talk about. These are things to discuss to see if you share many of the same viewpoints, or if you would collide on some things you feel very strongly about. Before you are married would be a good time to discuss some of those things. But not all courting couples think of these issues beforehand. Sometimes, you don’t think of the challenges until you meet them. I think that as time passes, couples grow together. They might even change their minds. Even if you don’t have some things figured out at first, you can deal with them later.
So, here’s my list of *main* considerations. What do you think?
1. Be a true Christian who believes in and tries your best to follow the Bible.
2. Believe in biblical roles for men (leadership) and women (submission).
3. Be open to life (this is one of the main purposes of marriage, though even couples who cannot have children can still fulfill the other purpose of marriage, which is to be one flesh and together live for God, providing a symbolic example of Christ and the church).
~Jessica
Hi Jessica,
Brian and I were VERY focused on knowing we agreed on those 3 factors. The rest can be negotiated.
A bit late to comment, sorry- I have my forth baby on the way and I have had 4 miscarriages. I agree on what the bible says about children. The bible is truth. Unfortunately our culture thinks that less children is best. My husband has always said he never wanted children and still says it now. The leaders in our church have said that it was okay to get the snip after my husband sort advice, but he is not sure himself if he should. I would be very upset if he took my chance of ever having more children away from me. I completely trust God in this area.