Dear Sisters! I haven’t written an article for over a month, and it’s about time I got back to my blog! How have you all been doing? Are you happily living out your role as wife, mother, and home keeper? Are you struggling with anything? Me, too, to both questions!
Home: What a lovely place to be! I’ve always preferred being home to being anywhere else, even during those times when home was not as heavenly as it should or could have been. Being close to the people I love has always been my top motivation for staying on as a full-time home keeper (along with the fact that God commands it in Titus 2:4-5). This past month has been a lot more hectic than usual, though, which is why it’s taken me so long to write up a new post.
We went to Mexico in April and came home with an adorable, female husky puppy, whom we named “Diamond” (the little girls just loved this name). Needless to say, it has turned out to be much more work than any of us had thought it would be! (this is our first dog). We took a week off from homeschooling to get adjusted, but then we had to get back into our schedule, which isn’t very complicated and normally wouldn’t be too much of a problem, except for the fact that our puppy still isn’t house trained. As you can imagine, bathroom duty takes up a large portion of our day. We put plastic all over the carpet in our living room; I bet we’ll have to leave it there for at least the next two months. (In this picture you can see the kennel our dog sleeps in at night and her chew stick on the floor.)
It’s been tricky trying to manage a puppy along with a nine-month-old baby and a mostly potty-trained three year old. The other day I felt a little crazy, and I recall very clearly thinking, We live in a poop and pee house! Aaaggghhh!!! In addition to that, we haven’t had time to tidy things up, which makes me feel even more crazy. You know those stories you read in the paper sometimes about the police nabbing weirdos who have kept 20 dogs and cats in their home for years, and when the police investigate they find the floor covered with refuse and the stench unbearable, and you think, That is so gross, how can people live that way? I still don’t know the answer to that, but I did feel like we were coming close to that scenario at my lowest moments.
At this stage, we’re focusing on developing patience and responsibility. We’re able to have a mostly cheerful attitude as we remind ourselves that “this won’t last forever.” Eventually, our puppy will mature and will control her urges better. That very basic hope encourages us to tackle one more day of puppy training. How solemn that sounds! If you have a dog, this might seem silly to you!
Much more serious than the challenges related to our new puppy, we’ve also had some domestic upheavels of another sort that have threatened the peace of our home. I think I only have to say four words for you to be able to understand: cell phones and teens. Even without actual phone service, the cell phone has internet capabilities, and that is a huge temptation to any teenager wanting to keep in touch with friends . . . and the larger world outside home. As little as I want to be that mom who keeps her kids rolled up in bubble wrap, I have seen firsthand why a tight grip on the cell phone issue is absolutely necessary for the health and safety of our children.
Interestingly, as we’ve been dealing with the cell-phones-and-teens problem, I’ve been answering some comments on my YouTube channel that have led me to ponder deeply the Bible’s statement that our children are arrows (Psalm 127:3-5). One lady who commented said she thought we shouldn’t have children if we haven’t first received some sort of confirmation from God that they’re going to turn out to be blessings; otherwise, she said, they could be burdens, and would perhaps only end up going to hell, and then how would giving birth to them be worth it? That’s kind of like asking, Is giving birth to another sinful human being worth it? This question really pierced to the heart of our recent troubles. (Below: It can be hard to believe that a cute little baby is born with a sin nature just like the rest of us.)
As parents, we love our children deeply and want them to “turn out right.” But, our own imperfections, compounded by the imperfections of our children and the temptations of the world, complicate our carefully-crafted plans. During this struggle, we realize that raising children is not as straightforward as we had thought it would be. We see our own inconsistencies as parents bearing fruit. We are forced to admit that we have not always trained them in the way they should go but were instead a poor model to follow . . . and they did indeed follow. In the midst of all this — this spiritual war for the hearts and minds of our offspring — we come back to the painful question of whether we have wasted our time and poured out our hearts into a losing battle.
But I don’t think so.
While there is breath in our bodies, there is always hope for change. We don’t know the future, and we shouldn’t underestimate the power of the Holy Spirit — not in our lives or in the lives of our children. An arrow is a neutral object: it is not good or bad. All children are arrows by nature. We as parents guide them and aim them — or at least influence them– toward their future. At some point, we let go. I think that even a teen who has shown very poor behavior could repent from it and still go in the way he has been trained (Proverbs 22:6). However, we don’t know how long it will take his free will to bend back toward his upbringing. It’s in that period of prayer and waiting that we have to exercise just what the Christian life is all about: Faith.
In considering this , I think there are three main points that strongly support the belief that children are indeed worth having despite their sinful tendencies and the hardships that may come as a result.
First of all, our children are worth having because they are made in the image of God.
All people have value, both those who are living godly lives and those who aren’t. God loves every one of us and hopes for all of us to come to salvation (2 Peter 3:9). It is a great tragedy that many people don’t understand His love for us as shown through Christ and don’t repent of their sins and come to Him. But that does not mean that as human beings they are less. We each have a place in God’s plan for the world. Even unbelievers (2 Timothy 2:20).
And, as I said previously, we have no knowledge of the future and cannot accurately predict if someone will believe in Christ or not. Some people even repent on their deathbeds (which, though not ideal and a huge waste of potential, does happen). So, right on up to death, there is hope. And when speaking of our own children, that means there is still hope for one more soul in heaven — a soul that would not have the chance to be there if it had not been for our willingingness to bear them and bring them into this world.
Second of all, our children are worth having because God gave them to us and called them a “reward.”
Referring to Psalm 127 again, verse three says:
Lo, children are an heritage of [from] the Lord: and the fruit of the womb is his reward.
Why is it that so many Christians don’t see this? Children come from God! We don’t have control over their future, but God, fully knowing their future, does not hesitate to give them to us despite whatever may come.
They are meant to be a reward, not one that we deserve, perhaps, but one that God showers upon us out of His love for us. And though some of us may question the kindness of His sending us moody and unpredictable teenangers, or any other sort of scenario you can imagine, there are nevertheless many, many good reasons to be thankful for their existence and inclusion in our lives! We must turn our perspective around and see things in a thankful, hopeful light.
Third, our children are worth having because all we do for Christ’s sake justifies the sacrifice which may be involved.
Is having children something we do for Christ, or is it something we do for ourselves? In other words, is it ever selfish to have children?
No, never.
When we have children, we submit ourselves to God’s plan for married couples, which includes being fruitful and multiplying (Genesis 1:28). When we have children, we also submit ourselves to God’s design for our bodies, which is clearly to reproduce (when we work against Reproduction, even if only for a time, we work against Nature and beome un-natural in our relations and in the way we treat each other’s bodies). Finally, when we have children, we submit ourselves to a life of faith and faithful serving.
I cannot believe that it is somehow nobler to serve orphans, for example, than it is to serve our own children that have been given to us by God (remember Point #2). We each have our own lives to live, and whatever our circumstances may be, we must live faithful lives of obedience right where we are. We should not underestimate the power of simple obedience. It might not look grand; in fact, it might look just like dealing with dirty diapers, wiping baby spit up off the floor, cleaning up messes, and managing cell phone problems — BUT, faith does not usually look grand from this side of heaven, does it?
We just have to trust that this lifes’s hardships and the constant faith which is required in order to get through them will be truly, undoubtedly, gloriously, abundantly, worth it in the end.
This life is not ever going to be comfy, at least not for any long stretch of time. We should not expect that, and we should not make that our aim. Yes, some amount of comfort is necessary within the home! We must have a place of rest and peace, a place to encourage and uplift our families and be encouraged and uplifted ourselves. I’m not saying that we should abandon our efforts at creating a beautiful, tranquil home, since that is part of our job as home keepers. What I am saying is that whether we like it or not, this earthly life takes place in the middle of a spiritual war, with battles being fought on multiple fronts, and that we should be aware of that and be ready to confront its reality. As the Bible says, we must be sober and vigilant (1 Peter 5:8), never ceasing to pray (1 Thessalonians 5:17).
Having children in the middle of a war is risky, yes. But, even God took a huge risk when He made humans and placed them in the garden, knowing full well that they would rebel against Him. What do you think? Was it worth it to Him? Yes! For reasons I can’t fathom, it was. He took an arrow, and He aimed it, and it turned toward evil. But then, there was the Plan.
The world wasn’t over with the Fall, and neither will our lives end in defeat if our children turn out to be just as sinful as we had always secretly hoped they weren’t capable of being. No. God has His plan, and that is what gives hope and purpose and meaning for our lives in the face of all our tears and frustration and discouragement. Even our pain.
Faithful mothers will not lose their reward! As we are trying to live out our role as home makers and as we come up against the reality of this life’s spiritual war, we can be sure that having children and teaching them the Lord’s ways is worth it, however they may respond to our efforts. Let’s not give up in doing good, my friends. Instead, let’s support each other!
And let us not be weary in well doing: for in due season we shall reap, if we faint not. Galatians 6:9
For advice on dealing with children during the sensitve and sometimes tumultous teen years, I recommend Paul David Tripp’s book, Age of Opportunity. Providentially, I believe, I read this book just about a month before facing the difficulties alluded to in this post. I’ll probably read it again soon.
Once again, spot on and thought-provoking! I really liked how you mentioned that we shouldn’t make a comfy life our aim. I have been mulling this thought over for a while now. If “smooth seas never make good sailors,” then shouldn’t we really be desiring storms? Count it all joy, right? We’re so used to 21st century cushions…convenience stores, fast food, medications for everything ,etc ….so removed from real life. Ohhh, so much meat there. 🙂 But alas, the new baby awakes…gotta go for now. Blessings! ~Moriah
Thanks for your very helpful input, Moriah! It seems we think very much alike!
May God bless you and the new baby!
~Jessica
I agree with Moriah – I love your point about not making a comfy life our aim. I think we fall into this – at least, I do! Even if we do our best to avoid the “American Dream” hyper-materialism of keeping up with the Joneses, we do a similar conservative-Christian-homeschooling version of wanting a comfy life in the form of the perfectly clean house, perfect marriage, manageable schedule, peaceful atmosphere, and perfectly behaved children. And then we/I completely stress out when that doesn’t happen!
If and when you want to share tips about teens and cell phones, I would love to hear them. It’s such a sticky area. Our nearly-13yo has a cell phone that is for taking pictures and recording videos and music. It’s not internet-enabled, but I can clearly see that he is extremely fond of it and would be into a full-blown never-put-it-down state were we to allow it, and Heaven only knows what it would be if it had internet. It worries me, and I’m always looking for good guidance for this area.
Nice to see a post!! I always enjoy your writing!
Hi, Diana!
I like the thoughts you shared about the “conservative-Christian-homeschooling” dream. I think I fall into that way of thinking way too often! You know, that way of thinking that says, All I have to do is get past this hard stuff, and then I can relax and actually enjoy my life. Ugghh — I don’t think that’s the attitude we’re supposed to have. Yes, we need to be optimistic, for sure; but, we don’t need to idealize comfort.
Teens and cell phones: I’m not very tech-smart, so it’s easier for my kids to figure out stuff on computers/phones than it is for me. If you have a password for the internet from your internet-service provider, you can keep it hidden from your kids. However, I still haven’t figured out how to deal with WiFi, since you can connect to this at any location that offers it for free (such as the library); maybe you can answer this for me, since there may be a way of dealing with this problem that I just haven’t discovered yet. Oh, and having a password for opening up the phone that only you and your husband know is a very good idea.
By the way, we plan on going to the Arizona homeschool convention this year, so we might run into you there? That would be cool!
Thanks for your very encouraging comments!
~Jessica
“All I have to do is get past this hard stuff, and then I can relax and actually enjoy my life.”
Yes! That is it. That is the attitude that I struggle with. It’s two-part: (1) Once I work through this hard part, I’ll be able to relax and enjoy my life, and (2) If I was just working hard enough or doing things the right way, then my life would ease up and I could finally relax and enjoy my life. I think also that the surfeit of women’s books and homeschooling books out there really can make the problem worse – “Once you just learn to organize well enough, declutter well enough, manage your time well enough, discipline your children well enough, clean well enough, etc., THEN you will finally be able to relax and enjoy your life.” Books like “Say Goodbye to Survival Mode,” for example. Sometimes I feel like I should write a book or a blog and title it “Say HELLO to Survival Mode.” Not that one wants to exist in a state of desperation, but simply that life is hard, and perfection or ease really aren’t going to enter into the picture any time soon.
For phone stuff: I am the world’s most tech-NON-savvy person, so I am pretty hopeless with phone know-how. However, I’m guessing (??) that what you’re looking for might be something that is device-based rather than internet-based – something like Covenant Eyes. You enter all of your devices into your account, and it then reports on internet activity to let you know who is doing what with which device. Some families that we know of use a combination of the Disney Circle (I hesitate to use anything by Disney, but it does come highly recommended) with Covenant Eyes. Another friend of mine uses an app called Bark on top of that, which is used for monitoring texting and social media.
Thanks for the post below regarding your age difference with your husband. I cannot remember if we’ve discussed that before, but we too have an age different – ours is 14 years. That issue was one of the last things that I held onto as why we “had” to use birth control, because of the fear of widowhood. However, it’s again a matter of trust. I know of a sweet young mama who does not have an age difference with her husband, and she was widowed this morning due to her husband’s brain cancer. Ditto with another friend of ours who is about to become a widower at a young age (in his forties). Our times are always in God’s hands, and not having an age gap is no guarantee of being able to raise the children with both parents alive.
I am so excited that you will be at AFHE! Yes, we plan to be there, Lord willing! I hope that we can meet to catch up!!
Have a grand weekend!!
Diana
Yes,I also had teenage and cell phone problem with my son.I gave him a cell phone when he was 15 years old.Nowadays many little kids-even 6 or 7 years old kids often have cell phone in my country.(Rapid increasing of working mothers in recent years is one of the reasons which causes this phenomen,I think)And for kids,cell phone is getting more and more important to get in touch with friends.
What we parents can do to teenaged kids may be teaching and showing how we should live like.For value which bible tells us and worldly value are quite different.I agree with you strongly that comfy life is not our aim.
Thank you for sharing about your puppy! I remember the first days with our cat.My son took her home when she was one month little kitty and we had hectic time then.
I hope that we can enjoy precious time with family in our life more.Thank you so much for this article!
Dear Sanae,
I really enjoyed reading your comment! I guess anybody who has had baby animals knows how hectic it can be, so we’re not alone, ha, ha! I’m also glad you can relate to the cell phone problem, and I appreciate your helpful remarks on that topic.
It seems to me that you’re right: we can model to our children the right way of living and make it the “norm” for our home. Whether they like it or not is not that important; maybe later they will learn to value our way of life, maybe by the time they reach 35? It seems like a long time, but I remember being a teen once, and looking back I can see that I wasn’t very appreciative of my parents’ efforts at guiding me, either, not until I reached my thirties.
Little kids with cell phones is a very sad phenomenon. I’ve actually heard that they can get “addicted” to the phone to the point to where they feel they can’t live without it. It decreases their ability for good social interaction, too. It’s hard to see kids hooked on their phones like that.
You’re right, that time with our family is precious. That’s what we should be giving our children, more than expensive toys. I think that even if they don’t always value time with their family right now, these times will be sweet memories to them later on.
Loved hearing from you!
~Jessica
Hi Jessica. I have been following your blog for some time and find it very encouraging. I have finally made an email address so I can comment now! You mentioned once before that your husband was many years your senior. By how much if you don’t mind me asking? My husband is older by 25 years and we believe children are a gift too. I guess it’s a fear I have that makes me wonder. But we have kept walking in the truth and have five beautiful children!
Hi, Imogen!
I’m so glad to hear about your following my blog and enjoying my articles! It really means a lot to me to know that. 🙂
My husband is twenty years older than me. I don’t know what the future brings, but God knows, and I trust that things will turn out alright in the end. After all, there were several women in the Bible who didn’t concieve until they were older (and their husbands were, too), and it was all part of God’s plan for them. Maybe this sort of just-trust-in-the-Lord faith seems unreasonable and foolish to some people, but I know that God deserves our trust. After all, how many times does the Bible say not to trust in chariots, and horses, and soldiers, and riches, but in the Living God? Our help comes from Him, not in having everything “worked out,” right? I know you agree with me; it always helps to hear it from a friend, though, doesn’t it? 🙂
I’m so happy to hear about your five children! May God bless you, your husband, and your whole family as you seek Him!
~Jessica
Thank you so much for your reply Jessica. I am inspired by your unwavering faith in God’s word.
Hi Jessica! I’m sorry I’m late responding to this post. I totally agree with you on the importance of children. They are precious in His sight. I’m jealous of couples with large families because I would have loved to have many children.
You have a beautiful family! I don’t know if you will see this before your email but we are inviting your family to Kaitlyn’s Graduation open house this coming Friday.
Thanks, Regina! Yes, I did get your email, and I really appreciate the invite! I just sent you an email about it.
Thank you for your sweet remarks on my post. You have a lovely family, too!
~Jessica
I enjoyed reading this very ‘real’ slice of life. I too believe that we should never regret the gift of children. I only have one child, and was very lucky to have her. We had some challenges, and fortunately we eventually had the privilege of raising a wonderful human (I’m definitely biased). As a teacher for so long I’ve seen all kinds of situations, some very sad ones that children are forced to deal with. After a long career and having known many students, I can say with certainty that most of them are okay in the end. Some have terrific challenges to overcome, but most are fine after they’ve had time to mature. I’m lucky because some keep in touch after many years, and I’m always happy to see that their lives have improved and they seem happy and well-adjusted. When I encounter a particularly difficult high school student, I try to imagine him/her as a baby or young child with all the hope parents have in their children. I even do a project at the beginning of the year where I ask them to bring pictures of themselves as young children for us to display on a classroom bulletin board. They have to write a description of themselves in the language they are learning and attach it to their photo. That way, I have a visual reminder of them as younger, more innocent creatures to focus on if things get rough. This really helps me, believe it or not 🙂
About new puppies: I know yours is much older now since this post is old, but I remember those challenging days of a new puppy gnawing on my favorite shoes. It was worth the difficulty though (just like kids are).
Cell phones and teens: Our school has all but banned cellphones from school. It’s been the most difficult part of my job for at least the last ten years, for sure. So many are addicted to their devices and social media. I’m not sure where the problem is going, but it’s very disruptive in a school setting too.
Thanks for sharing your life and struggles.
Hello, Caroline,
I enjoyed reading about how you help yourself connect with each of your students. What a good idea! And thank you for sharing so many other good thoughts; I really appreciate it!
~Jessica