The other day, my four-year-old daughter was quietly turning pages in her children’s Bible. When she came to the story and picture of Isaac marrying Rebecca, she held out the book and pointed to the picture. She said in her sweet, childish voice, “Mama, that’s the way it’s supposed to be, isn’t it? When you marry, you’re supposed to wear a white dress like her.”
I loved to hear her say that (though in real life, Rebecca may not have actually worn a white dress). I hope to pass on to all my children the supremely important ideal of remaining pure before marriage, which is represented by the bride through her white wedding gown. But, at the same time, it produced a twinge of regret and sadness inside me, because when I was younger, I was stupid enough to do some things I shouldn’t have and which I deeply regret.
This brought to my mind the question: Should brides be allowed to wear white if they have been impure before marriage? Wouldn’t it be a sort of hypocrisy to present oneself as pure and unblemished when you’re really not? Wouldn’t it be better to be honest and wear something off-white, or a different color all together?
However, right on the heels of this reflection came another, brighter thought: God’s forgiveness makes us whiter than snow! The white dress doesn’t need to represent perfect purity (though it certainly can if that is the case, as it should be); it can represent that we have received God’s forgiveness for our mistakes (when repented of and confessed; see 1 John 1:8-9).
“Purge me with hyssop, and I shall be clean;
Wash me, and I shall be whiter than snow.
Make me hear joy and gladness,
That the bones You have broken may rejoice.
Hide Your face from my sins,
And blot out all my iniquities.”
Psalm 51:7-9
Though ideally we would all live pure lives, both with our actions and with our thoughts, since in that way we could avoid a LOT of needless heartache and remorse, the truth is that not all of us have. And yet, we can either live the rest of our lives beating ourselves up about it or we can believe in the forgiveness that God offers through the blood of Jesus Christ His Son:
“Do you not know that the unrighteous will not inherit the kingdom of God? Do not be deceived. Neither fornicators, nor idolaters, nor adulterers, nor homosexuals, nor sodomites, nor thieves, nor covetous, nor drunkards, nor revilers, nor extortioners will inherit the kingdom of God. And such were some of you. But you were washed, but you were sanctified, but you were justified in the name of the Lord Jesus and by the Spirit of our God.” 1 Corinthians 6:9-11
“The LORD is merciful and gracious,
Slow to anger, and abounding in mercy.
He will not always strive with us,
Nor will He keep His anger forever.
He has not dealt with us according to our sins,
Nor punished us according to our iniquities.
For as the heavens are high above the earth,
So great is His mercy toward those who fear Him;
As far as the east is from the west,
So far has He removed our transgressions from us.”
Psalm 103:8-12
Just as Christ cleanses the collective church, His bride (Ephesians 5:25-27), so that she will be unblemished on the day of her wedding to the Savior, He cleanses us each individually. The church is not perfect, and neither are we (as believers in Christ we are the church, so of course the church isn’t perfect). But, in the same way that the church as a whole will have the unmerited joy of being presented to Christ as His beautiful bride despite her imperfections, I believe that each of us can have the joy of having our sins overlooked and forgiven despite our failures. Jesus offers this to us, and I believe that others should, too.
“Let us be glad and rejoice, and give honour to him: for the marriage of the Lamb is come, and his wife hath made herself ready. And to her was granted that she should be arrayed in fine linen, clean and white: for the fine linen is the righteousness of saints.”
Revelation 19:7-8
Even though we sometimes commit sins that we never should have, a wedding is the chance to start fresh and make things right. True, it takes time (and work) to heal wounds. And honest communication with one’s spouse about previous mistakes is important for a healthy relationship. Ideally, this would occur before the wedding. But, especially if we have already had that talk, the fact that our betrothed still wants to marry us despite all of that is a shining demonstration of his love. Or, if those acts occurred with our betrothed, then the wedding has the power to transform something previously sinful and wrong into something beautiful and good. That certainly deserves a white dress and a lot of rejoicing!
As I thought about these things after my daughter showed me the picture of Rebecca in her white dress, a sense of peace poured into my soul. I wore a cream-white dress on my wedding day years ago, even though I wasn’t completely deserving. But, I wasn’t a hypocrite; I was forgiven. I’m glad I wore my white dress and am confident now that I never need to feel guilty about it.
“Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself for her, that He might sanctify and cleanse her with the washing of water by the word, that He might present her to Himself a glorious church, not having spot or wrinkle or any such thing, but that she should be holy and without blemish.”
Ephesians 5:25-27
~Jessica
Beautiful stoty and testimony!
Thank you, Sanae!
Thank you for the post and your testimony. I am so thankful we have such a loving Saviour who forgives us & loves us not for who we are but despite of who we are. I find such comfort in the verses you posted. Thank you for sharing.
Rosemarie,
I really liked what you said: “..we have such a loving Saviour who forgives us & loves us not for who we are but despite of who we are.”
Yes, Jesus knows all the bad stuff about us, and He still loves us!
Jessica
The white dress is white a modern and European symbol of purity – less so the veil.
However I was a virgin on my wedding day and it was not just incredibly important to me to dress ‘as a bride’ veiled and in white, but much more so to know that I was honouring those symbols (however modern and culturally specific) by being as God made me and as he intended all brides to be.
It is wonderful and very much to be encouraged that your daughter is so conscious of that.
Dear Susanne,
I greatly admire your integrity; it is very refreshing to know of a woman who was committed to purity before her wedding day! You serve as a wonderful example that many young women, I’m sure, will be able to look up to and follow. 🙂
It’s always best to do things the right way from the very start than to have regrets from doing things the wrong way. Absolutely!
Jessica
Luke 15′ 1-7. This is our Jesus.
Ruth,
Yes, thank you for mentioning that passage! Jesus came to seek and to save those who are lost, meaning sinners. Not that He accepts our sin, but that He holds out His hand to free us from it, so that we can be saved and move on to a life of “now go and sin no more.”
It’s that love and compassion that draws us to Him, isn’t it? We don’t really want to keep running away from our sin; we want a way to overcome it, and He provides the answer: our sin on Him on the cross, receiving the wrath of God that it deserves, so that we can be forgiven of it if we confess our sins and believe in Jesus, and move on to newness and *true* freedom! Amen!
Jessica
I have only been with my husband after we were married and I love that I can share that with my daughter someday, but I have also watched God’s forgiveness at work in the lives of my friends who have made different choices that I made. Whatever path we take to salvation is left behind and can be used to encourage and reach others. Thank you for sharing so much of yourself
Thanks, Tiffany!
I love to hear encouraging stories of women who did things God’s way because it shows others how it IS possible, even in the world that we live in!
I agree with you that your story of purity before marriage will be a wonderful testimony to share with your daughter someday.
And yes, the past is left behind, and we can learn from it; thank the Lord for that!
Jessica
I agree Tiffany – I will share that with my daughter(s) when she is old enough to understand and I pray that she will have the strength to stand against the world and do the same.
Love this! 🙂
Thank you, Diana!
On watching ‘the Wedding’ on Saturday I was struck by the hypocrisy. Yes Megan looked wonderful as a picture of a bride.
But this is a divorced woman ! Why choose the symbolism of her dress and beautiful veil when you have clearly not lived up to those ideals in your past life ?
What message does that give to our daughters ?
Susanne,
I haven’t watched that movie yet . . . perhaps some of the other ladies have?
My feelings run along this line: If someone has truly repented from past sins, I believe that the forgiveness of God permits them to present themselves in the same way HE now sees them — washed by the blood of the Lamb. But (and I think this is probably the point you are trying to make), many people have no intention of repenting from their sins and yet still want the world to see them as “clean,” which, I agree, is hypocrisy.
When we no longer care about true purity but still take advantage of the symbols of purity, those symbols lose their meaning. They signify nothing. We send our daughters the message that actually being pure is not worth their effort to pursue since they can look pure without actually being pure, and nobody will notice or care. Wearing a white wedding dress is no longer a prize earned after the strenuous effort of remaining chaste, but rather considered an entitlement regardless of one’s behavior. It loses its value.
I could have certainly chosen another color for my wedding dress if I had wanted to. It would have been appropriate. However, I chose white (it was actually cream, since pure white does not match my complexion). What I have done is to explain to my children (according to their maturity level) about our past mistakes and about God’s forgiveness. I feel that this is equally appropriate. However, I also make it a point to emphasize to my children the importance of living up to those ideals (as you put it) in their own lives, so that they can fully appreciate the white and what it is supposed to symbolize.
I think that what we need is more teaching in our churches and homes about the importance of chastity. We should also do our best to help our young people stay pure through stricter supervision in vulnerable social situations (including TV, movies, phones, etc.). Not because we want to make people feel bad who have not been pure (though if they have not yet *repented* of those sins, they *should* feel bad), but to highlight a higher path to those who have yet to come to those sort of choices, and to encourage them in a life of purity. And if some people have not been pure, and have *not* yet repented, the sense of shame will hopefully lead them to confessing their sins, which in the end, will cleanse their conscience and help them to come/return to a right relationship with God, enabling them to experience a sense of peace.
Jessica
Hi Jessica – I agree with your sentiments. You know it was less the dress than the very beautiful but overly virginal veil that I found difficult to justify !
Yes, Susanne, it does seem very incongruent, doesn’t it? I think I would have felt the same way if I had been watching that movie.
Jessica:
Suzanne above is referring to Meghan Markle marrying into the British royal family. She is a divorced women and took part in a very traditional wedding ceremony wearing very traditional (and virginal) attire.
Caroline
Caroline:
Thanks for clarifying that!
I feel a little sheepish now. I didn’t watch the wedding, nor have I kept up with the affairs of the British royal family.
No strong feelings one way or the other about a bride wearing white if she is not a virgin on her wedding day or she has been married before. But isn’t it hypocritical that she should be denied a traditional symbol of purity while the groom could be a tomcat and he bears no such stigma? This is probably taking it too far, but it reminds me of Hester Prynne in “The Scarlet Letter”. She had to wear the “A” to signify her adultery, while her partner in sin bore no such penalty.
Personal disclosure: I married young and foolishly; the marriage didn’t last. My second husband and I will celebrate 33 years of marriage on May 31. He could have cared less what color my wedding gown was. I made my dress; tea-length ivory. Wanted to buy a hat, but the nice ones cost more than what I paid for the dress fabric. So had a comb with flowers in my hair instead. The veil would have been inappropriate given the circumstances :-). About seventy-five guests attended our church wedding, reception, and dance. (Being a second wedding for me, we wanted something low-key.) We did it all on a shoestring: for ~$1000, but that’s another story and paid for it all ourselves.
Thanks for adding your thoughts, Sue! I really liked reading about how you organized things for your wedding!
And yes, I agree that men should be pure, too! It would be nice if there were a symbol they could wear at their wedding to show that, just as with the bride. I’ve read The Scarlet Letter, too, and just like what you mentioned, it always struck me as unfair that the man was able to hide while the woman had to bear her shame publicly.
~Jessica
Hi Jessica,
Can a non-virgin wear a veil on her wedding day or the white dress only?
There are no laws or official ‘rules’ on what anyone can wear for a wedding.
Millions of women who are not virgins wear the full white dress and veil combination for their weddings. Without comment or question and to be complimented on their appearance.
Personally I think that it is wrong, if you do not have the conviction to follow Christ and keep yourself pure for your marriage – then surely it is wrong to misappropriate the symbols of that purity. But most people don’t see the conflict.
Hello, Genevieve!
I think she can! The most important thing is for us to have our hearts right before God. When we confess our sins, He has promised to forgive them (1 John 1:9).
So nice to hear from you!
~Jessica
Oof, I never comment on blogs but I have to on this one. White as a symbol of virginity is *now* accepted as a symbol in the West but in reality Western women didn’t start wearing white wedding dresses until Queen Victoria chose a white dress for her marriage to Prince Albert in 1840. Before that, women just wore their best dress. Some people say ancient Romans wore white at their weddings but it was in honor of the goddess Vesta so I don’t know why we’d want to imitate that.
It is for the Lord to look on the heart of a woman. Many women have been raped and so aren’t virgins. I personally know women who got flak for marrying after divorce when their first marriages were arranged for them at age 16 or 17 by “Christian” cults and were basically forced. Widows aren’t virgins but may marry again.
In addition and perhaps most importantly, upon repentance the Lord makes even a rampant sinner clean again. Who are we to heap her sins upon her when He has forgotten them?
I *get* it – a family member of mine lived with her fiancee for 5 years before marriage and then had a white, church wedding. It rankles somewhat. But ultimately the only person I should be trying to keep holy is myself and my children, and anyone who pointedly asks me what I think about their choices.
This subject hits home for me since someone mentioned Meghan Markle as being divorced… because I am married for a “second” time in the eyes of the state, but in my first marriage, my husband was already married. So in the eyes of the Church my husband and I have only ever been married to each other, and I was duped the first time by a man who already had a wife and so was not free to marry me. I am blessed to belong to a church with a strong Biblical teaching on marriage!
I hope I haven’t sounded judgmental or rude! I hope to start commenting here more often! There is freedom in Christ ❤
Hi Rachel – I accept your point about the tradition, but for some considerable time now the white dress and the veil have been taken as signifying purity. I would also take your point about rape victims and widows (although I suspect it is rare for a Christian widow to dress as a ‘new bride’) and of course you are right about it being for Our Lord to judge not us.
But I do think that it is incredibly important to teach our daughters to wait and to value their purity and it seems sad to me that the symbolism of the virgin bride has been hijacked by those who have not found it in their hearts to wait, but just want pretty wedding pictures.
Thanks for sharing those thoughts, Rachel! I’m so happy to hear from you!
~Jessica
Rachel and Susanne, I just read something this morning which pertains to our discussion on the bride wearing white. The white wedding gown is found in Revelation 19, verses 7-8:
“Let us be glad and rejoice, and give honour to him: for the MARRIAGE of the Lamb is come, and his WIFE hath made herself ready. And to her was granted that she should be arrayed in fine linen, CLEAN and WHITE: for the fine linen is the RIGHTEOUSNESS of saints.”
~Jessica
Thanks Jessica – a lovely verse confirming the symbolism and beauty of the bride.
Thank you, Susanne!
Oh, neat! I hadn’t considered that verse before in the context of a singular, earthly bride (as opposed to the Church as the Bride of Christ) but I think after seeing it, it definitely ties in to what you said in the original post – about the bride having been *made* pure before going to her groom (i.e. repentance) – because certainly the Bride of Christ is full of sinners! Thanks for bringing that verse out!
You’re welcome, Rachel!
I was never baptized as a baby,so when i was 14,my parents finially had me baptized at Easter vigil.Like all of the other preteen and teen girls baptized with me then,i wore the traditional white,poofy,short sleeve,top of the knees baptism dress with the matching bonnet,lace anklets and the white ‘mary jane’ style shoes and wore the traditional white tee shirt with the cloth baptism diaper and plastic pants under my dress.I turned 15 4 months later and made a mistake and lost my virginity to a 16 year old boy.That next may,i made my First Holy Communion with the girls who were baptized with me the year before at Easter vigil.We all wore a communion dress and veil with our lace anklets and the shoes and our white tee shirt with our baptism diaper and plastic pants under our communion dresses.Even tho i wasnt virgin,i felt a little guilty being in my communion outfit! The next year,when i was 16,i was in the confirmation class,and all of us girls wore the short sleeve,floor length,white gowns and veils with white tights and the white shoes.I wore the tee shirt with my baptism diaper and plastic pants under my tights again like all of the other girls in my class.When i got married at 21,i wore a bridal gown and veil,but didnt wear the baptism diaper and plastic pants as a felt i wasnt pure to deserve wearing them.
Clarice,
Your comment was very interesting! Never in my life have I heard of teenage girls wearing “baptismal diapers”! Everything about the outfit you described sounds just about right for a baby or toddler, but for an older girl — wow!
Anyways 🙂 . . . Yes, I can understand why you would have felt unworthy to wear the sybmols of purity after having made a mistake earlier in your youth. Those sorts of things can stick with us for a long time, after the time of the actual event. I am so thankful for God’s mercy, which He offers to all who confess their sins and ask for forgiveness!
“If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness.” 1 John 1:9
“For we maintain that a person is justified by faith apart from the works of the law.” Rom. 3:28
~Jessica
To Jessica-Believe it or not,Clarice is correct.At many parishes thruout the country,the girls being baptized at Easter vigil wear the all white ‘baby girl’ type outfits for their baptism.Little girls,tween girls and teen girls wear the outfits to represent their purity and worthiness of entering gods kingdom.I have seen girls as old as 17 in the white,poofy dresses and bonnets with lace socks or booties and a cloth diaper and plastic pants under their dresses being baptized. It is real!
Hi, Margo,
Thanks for your comment! The idea of a teen girl wearing a diaper with plastic underpants just seems so extreme to me; it seems as if a white dress should be sufficient to symbolize purity, in a style appropriate for the age.
~Jessica
To Jessica Roldan-It may sound extreme,but it is real! we are catholic and our parish considers the communion dress and white confirmation dress as extensions of the baptism the girls were baptized in as infants,so the cloth diaper and plastic pants is worn under both dresses to represen the purity of baptism. My two girls each wore a diaper and plastic pants under their communion dresses and again at 16 under their white confirmation dresses.They both felt more pure wearing them.
Our daughter is 14 and just made her First Holy Communion last sunday,May 21st in the class of 23.Her and all of the other girls in her class all wore a cloth diaper,plastic pants and undershirt under their communion dresses.They symbolize the girls purity and innocence of her baptism as a baby for her First Communion.