What I Learned from Graduationg Our Oldest from Homeschool

Not long ago, I was still making my way through a valley of trials which caused me great pain and discouragement. I felt unable to help others. At times, I felt nearly hopeless. What I didn’t know then that I know now is that God would gradually be leading me upward out of that valley over the course of about a year: what felt interminable would have its end!

There were several factors which played a part in my feeling as I did; you can hear more about it in this video I shared. To summarize, there were problems with family members outside our home, and there were problems with some of those within our home. I was getting older and was both feeling and seeing the changes. Certain things with our oldest which I had hoped would turn out a certain way didn’t turn out as expected. We had a new baby. Normal life started to feel overwhelming. I wondered why I was here at all.

Can any of you relate to that? Reading through the comments on YouTube, I could see that my experience was not uncommon: other women have gone — or are going through — similar valleys. Many of them truly lifted up my heart with their supportive remarks!

I went on in another video to detail what I believed I had learned from graduating our oldest two children from homeschool (especially our oldest son). There have certainly been various positive outcomes as our oldest children have moved into young adulthood. There are plenty of things I am proud of! Plenty of things I’m pleased with! Honestly, however, there have also been some discouragements along the way. These things aren’t reasons to give up on homeschooling, though. They are part of the growing-up process for some kids — and this process isn’t usually easy for any of us! The comments on YouTube from other mothers were encouraging.

Here is what one woman said about entering this stage of having adult children. I thought it was so good I wanted to post it here for you all. Afterwards, I will share some additional thoughts of my own.

Dear sister Jessica,

I have watched you and your family grow for several years. Bless God that he saw fit to entrust you with the stewardship of 10 souls. Rejoice in knowing that you continue to try and show them the way of the Lord. I am 50 years old with two adult children and six grandchildren. I had my children as an unwed teen (they are now 33 and 32). I did not come to the knowledge of the truth of God until I was 38 years old, when my children were already adults. Imagine my heartbreak once I realized the outcome of rearing children who had no knowledge of Jesus Christ. Too much to explain here but the ongoing consequences and influences on my grandchildren (ages 1 – 14 years) are sometimes devastating.

Unlike many mothers, you have given your children a solid foundation in the Lord from which to grow. Again, rejoice in that God found you worthy to steward their souls for at least 18 years. I sometimes feel so desperate for another chance to at least get that part right, but there is no second chance. The time is lost.

The minds and hearts of young children are so precious and pure. They are like sponges taking in all of the morals and behaviors they observe. Sometimes it is hard to reconcile what that begins to look like and play out as they grow into adulthood. Sometimes their failures or mistakes are a reflection of us as parents, but sometimes it truly is an external worldly influence or a deliberate choice the child makes to rebel against their upbringing and foundation. Even as an unbeliever, I tried to instill what I believed to be good morals into my children. How much harder it was to go and tell them as adults that I had failed them and to try and share the Gospel of Jesus Christ! The only thing that brings me comfort now is knowing that His Word will not return void. (God at least gave me the opportunity to plant seeds with my grandchildren).

There is such a delicate balance between motherhood and learning how to let go and navigate crossing the bridge into friendship (and occasional advisor) once they become adults. If your heart is heavy or you now realize you made some mistakes, my best advice is to go to your adult children in humility if the lines of communication are still open. On the other hand, sometimes it is best to be still in silence if a “line in the sand” is being drawn over ungodly or immoral behavior. Whatever the case may be, lean on the Lord to weather this storm.

I will continue to pray for you. ~K

What insightful points! How thankful I am for “K’s” advice.

Now, in order to wrap this up, I’d like to talk a little about what I’ve been learning about raising children to adulthood, in a general sense. I certainly do believe the Bible when it promises: “Train up a child in the way he should go: and when he is old, he will not depart from it” (Proverbs 22:6). However, I think I’m seeing that there are at least a couple things to consider when trying to understand this verse:

1. It says “train” up a child. I had thought that teaching was the same thing as training, but I’ve learned that training actually involves a whole spectrum of activities, including discipline, correction, and nurture, to name a few (thanks to Tedd Tripp’s book, Shepherding a Child’s Heart). While I may have done alright in the “teaching” area, I believe I could have done better in some of those other areas. My mistakes in training may have led to some of the problems we later experienced.
2. This verse doesn’t promise that there will never be struggles. We as Christians consider ourselves to still be Christians even on the days we mess up. I know I mess up, but even so, I haven’t “departed” from the way of the Lord. Sometimes we give in to temptation — to the temptation to be angry and sin, to be impatient, to complain, etc. So is it any surprise when our children mess up, too? It’s only human to do so. It doesn’t mean we’ve totally failed, and it doesn’t mean this verse isn’t true.

If Adam and Eve, who lived in a perfect Paradise and were taught by God Himself could fall into sin under the influence of Satan’s temptation — well, I guess it’s not so shocking when any of us does so, too. It happens. There can sadly be times of temporary backsliding as we give into various temptations in life. I think that the promise of God that our children “will not depart” from the way we trained them applies only if we truly did “train” them (not just teach them). But I also think that it applies even if they struggle, as we all do from time to time. Even though they will be tempted to bend to the way of the world, and may do so for awhile, the way they were trained will eventually win out.

Maybe I don’t understand the issue properly, but this is how I see it at this point. What do you think?

• Do you think I’ve misunderstood this verse?
• What is the correct way to understand it?
• What have you learned from your own experience raising children?
• Is there anything you would add to “K’s” advice?

~Jessica