I don’t think I’m the only one who’s ever felt this way, am I? Imagine your little child has just wet his pants for the third time today, your young son or daughter has — again! — shoved the freshly-folded clothes under the bed instead of putting them away where they belong, and your adolescent has grumbled for what feels like the hundredth time about having to do something you asked. Do you ever feel so discouraged you wish you could have a break — a very long break? An “I’m finally done with parenting, thank God” break?
Or for you, maybe it’s not parenting, but it’s some other circumstance in your homelife that is irritating or hurting you and that you wish you could change. And maybe you haven’t dealt with things the best way. Perhaps the way you’ve reacted has been destructive to your relationships with loved ones.
I know about that sort of thing: plenty of times I’ve behaved in ways I knew were wrong; other times, I’ve behaved in ways I didn’t know were wrong but later learned were not helpful. In light of that, I’ve made this (purposely exaggerated) list of reactions to avoid, because if we go this route we will “destroy our homelife in several easy steps.” It takes a lot of effort to build, but very little to destroy.
How to Destroy Your Homelife in Several Easy Steps
-Belittle your children and husband as if they were complete idiots who don’t know how to do anything right. Don’t take responsiblity for the fact that the reason your children don’t know how to do anything is because you haven’t trained them properly or consistently. Don’t respect that your husband knows plenty of useful stuff other than the thing for which you’re belittling him.
-Yell at your children and husband when you feel the need to vent. Make them feel the heat of your wrath and frustration. Punish them for being nearby when you feel like you “just can’t take it anymore.” Cause them to wish they didn’t even live with you.
-Blame your children and husband for your discomfort. Act like it’s all their fault you’re having a bad day instead of admitting that bad days happen but it’s our responsibility to handle them with self control.
-Don’t appreciate all the good things in your children and husband; make them feel like they couldn’t possibly live up to your expectations. Point out to them that you’re the only perfect living individual and they’re all full of unforgivable faults.
-Forget how precious each person in your family is. Think about them more as “irritants that are getting in the way of my wants” than as gifts from God to be treasured. View others as servants of your happiness instead of yourself as a servant of theirs (when their happiness is attached to good, healthy, and godly things).
-Neglect to fully value the gravity of your duty before God to be a wise, godly, and loving wife and mother. Be foolish enough to not take this God-given assignment seriously. Waste your time and energy by focusing on lesser pursuits.
-Don’t think in spiritual terms, only in worldly. Don’t envision the eternal, only the temporary. Don’t look at the big picture, only the details.
-Don’t pray about your problems, just complain about them. Remind yourself over and over how hard everything is, but overlook all the reasons you have to be thankful.
A Better Way
Oh, my, that list was full of bad stuff! I don’t want to be that kind of person, and I’m sure you don’t, either. Dealing with challenges stretches us to our limits, doesn’t it? But, we would never learn patience if we were never in any situations that required patience; we would live under the false notion that we were patient when really we were just cushioned. Remember that God is using all the irritating stuff to cause us to grow and mature:
“My brethren, count it all joy when ye fall into divers temptations [trials]; Knowing this, that the trying of your faith worketh patience. But let patience have her perfect work, that ye may be perfect and entire, wanting nothing.“
James 1:2-4
We are to walk in the Spirit of God, not our flesh. The flesh wants us to react badly to all the irritations and discouragements we experience; but with the power of Christ within us, we are capable, through Him, of producing beautiful fruit despite the harsh realities of this world. There can be no good excuse for bad behavior when we have the Holy Spirit to help us! Let us continue to cling to Jesus throughout all our trials.
“But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, longsuffering, gentleness, goodness, faith, Meekness, temperance: against such there is no law. And they that are Christ’s have crucified the flesh with the affections and lusts. If we live in the Spirit, let us also walk in the Spirit.“
Galatians 5:22-25
- Is there anything else you can think of that I could have added to the list of destructive behaviors?
- What are some biblical ways you’ve found to deal with conflict at home peacefully?
- Do you have any specific suggestions for handling everyday frustrations with children?
- Are there any helpful resources you could recommend?
~Jessica
Jessica, this is a great article. I fall into these traps so very often. Life as a mom is HARD, and the spiritual pit-falls are myriad.
This is a work in progress for me.
One thing that has helped is learning to reject the Joel Osteen version of Christianity (“your best life now” etc.) that everything should be just peachy all the time, and to understand that God does put suffering into our lives as a huge part of our faith journey. Adopting a good theology of suffering is, I think, a big part of the journey toward learning to cope with the hardness of both motherhood and life in general. I’m working on this.
Secondly, I read a really great book last year – “With God in Russia,” about a priest who went as an underground missionary to Russia, was captured, and ended up spending about 20 years in prison and the Siberian slave labor camps. It’s a great book, and his follow-up book, written about the spiritual side to his experience, titled “He Leadeth Me,” has been an amazing book. A lot of it focuses on suffering well. But a lot of it is also about dealing with hard situations by being intensely present in the moment and realizing that whatever one is doing IS God’s will at that present moment. Our job is to focus on that one thing and do it well. So, if I’m changing the thousandth diaper of the day, or scrubbing cat throw-up out of the carpet, or wiping up the twentieth spill in the kitchen, I need to focus on the fact that this job, right here, right now, is God’s will for me, and I just need to focus on doing it well, and not on anything else (the future, my worries, the past, etc.).
As our doula says, don’t focus on the last contraction (hanging onto the stress of it) or the coming contraction (worrying, despairing), but only on the contraction that is right here and right now. That’s the way to get through labor, and I think it’s the way to get through life as well.
Hopefully at least some of that makes sense and isn’t too off-topic.
Thanks for your wonderful articles!