I just realized something today about being skirts-and-dresses only that I hadn’t thought about before. It really puts the cultural & inter-personal conflict in a different light.
You know what “conflict” I’m talking about, right? There’s your own personal insecurities to deal with, which is hard enough (at least at first). But then there are the inter-personal problems which surface, having to do with family, friends, and fellow Church-goers who think you’re being legalistic. And I believe these are rooted in the direction our culture has been moving for the past, say, 150 years or so. So, here’s the progression: (1) Cultural direction –> (2) Our individual decision to be different from the culture –> (3) Inter-personal problems –> (4) Personal insecurites.
That’s not really what I mean when I say that I’ve “realized” something, though — I’ll explain what I’ve realized in a moment. That is just to elucidate the source of the conflict; there is a conflict, and it’s not imaginary. Some people would have us believe that if we would “just dress like everybody else and be a little less weird,” we could avoid all that trouble. We just need to follow the flow and not be disruptive. Problem solved?
That’s not the problem.
The problem is that we (and I’m speaking of conservative, skirts-and-dresses only Christian women in a general sense, though this may not include all) — we simply don’t want to follow the direction the culture has been taking us, and some (though of course not all) other Christians don’t accept that decision as valid and reasonable.
We actually have a good reason for wanting to be different, and this does not stem from having a “superiority complex,” a “salvation-through-works mentality,” or something negative like that; it stems from having a heart for God’s ways and wanting to live like the light He’s told us to be. When we make decisions that set us apart from others, it’s not that we’re intentionally trying to put ourselves up on a pedestal so we can look down on everybody else and judge them for their “poor” decisions. The problem is not really our choice to wear skirts and dresses; it is that some of those family, friends, and fellow Christians — those who claim to be “grace-filled,” “tolerant,” and “non-legalistic” have actually set themselves up as judges and don’t accept our choice.
They, in essence, are the ones who have become legalistic.
How so? Because they are the ones who are making the way we dress a big deal. They are setting up our culture’s current standard of dress (androgyny) as the rule, and expect us all to follow this rule-system. Almost anything will be tolerated — just as long as it isn’t those dreaded skirts and dresses. Hmmm. Wait a minute: who’s the real bigot, here?
When I said at the beginning of this article that I’d realized something, this was it: I realized that I’m not necessarily the legalistic one (sometimes I had worried I might be, in my moments of discouragement). I realized how unfair — even backwards — that label can be. I realized that even “grace-filled, tolerant” Christians can be legalistic — when they expect other Christians to agree with their brand of what they think it means to be grace filled and won’t tolerate those they consider “legalistic.”
Yes, if we’re honest, women who choose to wear skirts-and-dresses only can sometimes be a little bigoted, too. I want to be fair, here. And I think this is where that label of “legalism” comes from in the first place. I myself was a bit bigoted, in the beginning. Of course, my main motive was a good one: to dress in a more distinctly feminine and modest way, to celebrate by this simple, everyday act the unique person God had made me to be (a woman, and not only that — a Christian woman). I wanted to do something that would separate myself from the culture, on purpose, not as a way to build barriers between myself and my friends, but as a personal choice that I hoped would, perhaps, end up being an encouragement to them. That if they so desired, they could choose to be different, too.
It was motivated by a heart change.
Before, I didn’t care overly much about modesty, and though I enjoyed being feminine, I hadn’t considered taking any steps to be “a notch above” the standard feminine picture of our day. But now, I wanted that to change. That was my motive. However, this pure and beautiful choice came with certain complications, and those complications involved the resulting tension between my desire to please God and my disappointment with other Christians.
I would say that’s where the “bigoted” part came in, for me. At first, it was hard for me to not look down on other Christian women, once I had been enlightened, and wonder why they were so comfortable following the world’s ways. Didn’t they care about holiness? Modesty? Being a light? Maybe they were just immature and hadn’t gotten to the level I had. And I don’t think that attitude was the best, you know?
It took me a few years to finally get beyond that (mostly, though I still struggle sometimes, especially with those ubiquitous yoga pants). At this point — about 12 years after starting — I’ve gotten so comfortable wearing skirts and dresses that I barely think about how “different” I am, anymore. It’s become a way of life that is just “how it is” for me. I continue to enjoy my skirts and dresses immensely and am happy with the choice I made and continue to make every day. I love feeling extra feminine! It’s easier for me, now, to look at other people and think, “Could be they’re immature or rebellious against God’s ways; or, could be they just have a different interpretation of what ‘God’s ways’ are according to the Bible (regarding specific details about clothing), and that’s okay. It’s okay to have a different perspective. Doesn’t necessarily mean one is less spiritual.”
And to be fair, not everyone who is not a supporter of skirts-and-dresses only is judgmental. There are probably plenty who entertain that very same attitude of acceptance for me that I just described above, where they say to themselves, “Jessica just has a different perspective than I do, and that’s okay. Doesn’t mean she’s legalistic.”
But then there are those who don’t think that way — who insist that no one should have the freedom to be different, within Christianity, but that in order to maintain some false sense of unity, we must all look alike. Unless, of course, you’re what they see as a “baby Christian” or one of those “free-thinking Christians” and come to church in a mini skirt or covered in piercings and tattoos . . . then it’s okay to be different, then it’s tolerated out of wanting to “have grace.” Isn’t that silly?
It leaves no room for personal conviction, for following one’s conscience. Where’s the “grace” for the person who believes in wearing skirts-and-dresses only? I guess the grace ends there. And as I pointed out at the beginning, the one who claims that the dresses-only lady is “legalistic” is unknowingly being legalistic himself. He looks down on her for her clothing choices and expects her to follow his own set of rules; he doesn’t allow for anyone to live outside his own legalistic set of man-made, “you must mainly wear pants in order to be a good Christian woman” standards.
So, what has your experience been? Care to share what you’ve learned over the years? Have any tips or advice? Or, perhaps you have a few questions that some of the other ladies might be able to provide advice for?
Note: Thank you all for your wonderful, supportive comments on my last post (“Some Things are About to Change”)! I was so encouraged by your remarks and great advice. As I was reading through them (several times, actually), I felt very blessed to have so many ladies who follow this blog (some for years) who took time out of their own busy schedules to share something uplifting with me. I appreciate you all so much!
~Jessica
Thankyou for your article. I come from a cultural background where women have always dressed with great feminity. Wearing Sari and Lengha or Anarkali l. Anarkali includes long tunic tops, pants and a long scarf. Skirt and dresses are very feminine but not culturally feminine for many south East Asian culture nor modest. I appauld your choice but also celebrate my own cultures modesty and feminity seen in wearing pants.
Dear Jessica,
Thank you for your honest and insightful article. As a Christian woman, I too have been enjoying the skirts and dresses-only lifestyle for the last 20 years or so.
In most developed countries in the 21st century, women in long skirts and modest clothing are noticeable both in the church environment and in the general public. For me, this inevitable “standout” is the banner for finding true friends in Christ. (Do you remember when Anne of Green Cables said to her best friend Diana, “We’re bosom friends”?) I believe that we are called to give glory to the Lord in all the ways we live our lives (including our clothing choices).
Until a century ago, I don’t think there was much difference in clothing in Christian countries depending on one’s faith, but now the difference is very apparent. Now our clothing choices have become a kind of visible confession of faith. I think this is a great opportunity for gospel proclamation. Jessica, I think your environment is much more challenging than mine, but that means that your reward in heaven is also much greater. I am cheering you up.
There are so many dresses and skirts available for sale at a variety of places. This tells us that dresses and skirts are in fashion! They have always been in fashion. Sometimes it is just a choice of what we buy or how we want to dress. For me, I don’t buy pants. I don’t want them. I don’t like them. I only buy dresses and skirts because that is all I wear. That is the style of dress that I like the best for myself. I don’t really mind what others choose to wear. I don’t really think about it.
One cold winter day I was in a small market at the deli counter waiting for my turn. A kindly older gentleman looked at me and nicely said, “Isn’t it a little cold to wear a dress?” I just shrugged and said, “I always wear dresses.” Because it is normal for me. It is similar to the paint colors I choose for my house or the way I want my house to look.
I think dresses and skirts (modest and feminine and ladylike ones) are lovely and that is the way I have dressed for such a long time that I don’t even remember dressing any other way. Looking at it from this perspective rather than thinking of certain rules or judgements makes more sense to me. I think it is just a pretty way to live when we dress as nicely as we can.
Thank you for your blog, Jessica. I admire you for going against the culture to dress femininely and modestly. I have never thought of you as being legalistic in any way; I’ve always sensed that you do what you do out of love for the Lord. In my life, I feel like I vacillate too much. I grew up wearing pants and the only time I wore dresses was when I was going to church or a special occasion. As a result, I find it very hard to feel comfortable in a dress/skirt or able to do housework and exercise. So, I find myself going from dress/skirts only back to [modest] pants. Uhggg… it seems that my heart is wanting to be feminine, but another part of me says I can’t function in life dressed like that. It’s been a struggle for me for many years. It’s even hard for me to choose comfortable walking shoes that go with a skirt or dress. I would sure love prayer in this area!
Hi, Angela!
I was just catching up on this blog post I missed way back when, and saw your post. I have never felt a strong conviction about this matter, but I saw your request for prayer and wanted you to know I plan to pray for you– for resolve, clarity, and knowledge. God is good, and He will lead you in the direction He wants you to go!
Thank you for this post, Jessica. Like Angela Michelle, I wish I could feel comfortable wearing dresses/skirts everyday, especially when doing housework, even though I don’t even like wearing pants. I know many godly women who do wear (modest) pants, but, to me, there is something almost captivating about women who don’t. It speaks, at least to me, of a great commitment to her God-given femininity and is a delight to see. If you haven’t done a post specifically addressing how you dress to do the more strenuous forms of housework :), would you consider doing so? Angela Michelle, this link may provide some guidance:
https://deeprootsathome.com/a-portrait-of-feminine-dress-part-7-skirts-and-flattering-shoes/
It is not hard to do sternous work with feminine clothes. Just do it and get changed if a skirt getd wet or dirty.
Just think of all the generations of women up until 90 years ago . They made it and so can we 🙂
The only thing that can be more dangerous to do in a dress is climbing ladders.
For exercise, loose skirts with leggings work great.
Jogging, biking and all. They should’nt be too long tough.
For biking it works well to atach the skirt with a safetypin to the leggings. Its all possible and yes, people look.
But only sometimes. After all this is a free country and others look „different“ too
Hello ladies! My name is Kaylee. This is my first time commenting here, but I’ve been enjoying reading all these articles and everyone’s comments for just under a year now. (I love all the modesty and head covering tips!) I was wondering if y’all could please be in prayer for my church? We are currently in a 1 Corinthians sermon series and will be covering the head covering passage probably in two Sundays. I honestly have no idea what direction my pastor will be taking it in. I find I’m having a hard time praying for the truth to be spoken in the way God wills because I’m skeptical of how the passage will be talked about. I feel very anxious about it to be honest, in the scenario that head covering is preached against it is not so much that I feel like I’d be discouraged and stop doing it. Rather, I feel like it would be even harder to maintain a gentle and godly attitude towards those that do not agree with me on this. If anyone has any tips for this type of situation of sitting under the word when these things are talked about I’d greatly appreciate it! Thank you!
I love you all, my sisters in Christ!
Kaylee🌻
Hi Kaylee,
Thank you for your sincere sharing. We pray that God’s will be done for you and your church. I understand the anxiety you are feeling, I know it painfully from my own experiences!
How good it would be if all the pastors of the churches preached the classic teaching of head coverings. Especially in the 21st century, head covering sisters are in the overwhelming minority and in many cases we are the only covered women in our churches. Hence, our souls are longing for a straightforward sermon spoken from the pulpit (in defense of head coverings).
One humble tip from me to you is to stay connected with your headcovering sisters (either online or in person), especially during this time. I too have felt insecure, rejected, and alone at times in my church over the teachings and practices of head coverings. A few months ago, when it reached a certain peak, I sent an SOS email to Jessica. She immediately made the following encouraging video on youtube.
11 Years the Only One: What I Want to Share with You About Headcovering Alone
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CYgZW6ZeMMw
I cannot express how much this has strengthened my weakened soul. Many of the sisters in Jessica’s community are head covering sisters and we are definitely your supporters. So please don’t carry your burdens and anxieties alone, share them with us. And let’s walk this journey together!
At our last church, just after we arrived, we had to sit through a sermon on “why women should not cover their heads.” I actually really respected the pastor for preaching the sermon, because we had just approached him to let him know that we were a headcovering family, and had asked him if that would be a problem. So he knew he was preaching to at least one family who seriously disagreed with him, but he went ahead – kudos for that. (It was a really small church, a house church, so one family did matter.) I’ve just had to live for many years with being the only one, and hearing sermons preached against it (and other biblical things, like being open to children). We’re now at a headcovering church, and it’s awesome, but generally women who want to step out in that area have to put up with being either alone or the small minority. Best wishes to you in your situation!!
Dear Diana
Thank you for sharing. I am shocked at the weight of the trials you have gone through regarding head coverings. Wow you were able to endure that sermon! I admire you.
Hi Jessica! I’ve worn dresses and skirts only for a number of years now that I too never really think about it. I even wear a exercise skirt with attached leggings for exercise class at the senior center. I was concerned about what to wear. I was glad that there are no floor exercises, jumping, very low impact etc but I digress.
Back in 2021 our family signed up to join my middle daughter Shannon for her choir class at Yavapai College. Our first concert the choir director wanted everyone to wear plaid shirts and blue jeans. I knew there was no way that was happening so I asked him after class if I could wear a skirt instead he said it was fine as long as it was dark or demin.
I’m sure people at church think I’m being legalistic about not wearing pants but I know that’s on them and not me. Add my head covering to the mix and oh my goodness!
Anyway I’m starting to ramble. I thank you Jessica. Its hard being alone in our convictions. We have a new lady at church whom I’m getting to know wears a head covering and wears dresses and skirts only too. It’s nice to not be alone in my convictions.
Dear Regina,
Long time no see you! It’s so soul soothing and encouraging to hear your brave story on the stage. Thank you for your sharing.
I forgot to mention in regards to the concert, I was very disappointed that I was the only one in a denim skirt. All the women wore blue jeans but I tried not to worry about how I looked on stage or what the other members of the choir thought of me. I just wanted to get through the concert.
Regina, I admire that you held to your convictions despite being the only one who dressed in a skirt, and appreciate that you shared this as an encouragement. I smiled when I saw the word “Yavapai” since I am now familiar with it. Several years ago, my sister moved to Prescott and I go there twice a year to visit her. What a lovely area that is!
Jessica this post was on point! You literally could not have said it better.
As you know I have been skirts only for a long time. I do wear pants when deer hunting alone with my husband as it can be dangerous in the deep woods with the long skirts I have… although if I am feild hunting I do wear a long skirt. Anyways I absolutely love to wear skirts & dresses.
I have had some terrible experiences with ladies and men in a church I use to attend. One comment that was said to me by a lady I respected was that “we have a new pastor we don’t dress like that anymore”. I was so hurt that I didn’t go back to that church for months! Then when I did go back and elderly lady said to me after a service that she wanted to challenge me to wear pants! Most recently at church the actual pastor took my husband aside and said to him I don’t mind your wife wearing skirts and dresses and he told my husband that he appreciates me not pushing my convictions on others. I really appreciated that and my husband did as well because I had struggled so much with people within churches because of the way I dress. Although I do wonder why the pastor would even bring that up? It just seemed odd to both my husband and I. Oh well so far nothing else has been said.
I’m so thankful for your blog it feels like a safe place for me to openly talk about convictions especially modest clothing.
Thanks Jessica!
Dear Rosemarie,
Thank you so much for your sharing. I was totally impressed.
You’re welcome and thank you for the kind response 🙂
Good evening, Jessica! I have been wearing only skirts and dresses now for about 6 years now and I don’t miss wearing pants at all. I hate the feeling of it (Specially after you eat) I feel so feminine each time I wear a dress or skirt. I just feel I stand out because I am not dressing how society wants me to dress. I am dressing to glorify the Lord and respect myself because I don’t want attention going towards me the wrong way. I get teased about it here and there and my fiancé’s friends even ask him “Why does she dress like she’s going to church?” “Does she not believe in pants?” “It’s not a sin to wear pants or shorts” the comments go on & I truthfully do not care anymore. I love how I look and feel in a skirt and dress. I love how I don’t need to show my skin off to be considered beautiful or wanting to be accepted by society. I want to be an example for my daughter as well. My daughter loves to dress modest too. She’s in a private Christian school and they teach daily about modesty. So I praise God she is understanding more & knows there is nothing wrong with covering yourself. Today’s worldly things are just too much, and I refuse to be sucked in by the mess of it. I am on a weight loss journey as well so I can’t wait till I am at my goal and buy more skirts and dresses that are cute & still modest. Thank you for being a voice for us!
Hi Jessica! Great post. I believe that MOST people in my life just see me as “Courtney, who loves God, and does her best to honor Him.” (They’re right, of course). I TRY to be nonjudgmental (it seems easier for me than Brian).
And YES, we DO love and appreciate you Jessica! How’s the pregnancy going? Know when your LO is due?
Dear Jessica, this topic has been also my concern for years.
Already before I got married, more than 40 years ago, I was taught that we should wear modest clothing, and I loved it to wear only skirts and dresses.
Time went on, we tried with my husband to find adecate clothing for our daughters, we prayed much and our two daughters accepted our rules.
they wore tuniques over theirs pants in school-days.
About 20 years ago, I started to practise sewing. I prayed a lot, that the clothes I am triing to sew become beautiful. And they do, nowadays.
I sewed for our granddaughters until the age of 6 years. We have six grandaughters. Theirs mothers, our daughters in law and one daughter wear pants, very often.
I continue sewing beautiful clothes for myself, and I enjoy it very much. I find magazines with lovely models.
Here a few quotes from Sriptures that have encouraged me in the past and still do:
Isaiah 23 v. 17,18: At the end of seventy years, the Lord will visit Tyre, and she will return to her hire, and will play the harlot with all the kingdoms of the world upon the face of the earth.
Her merchandise and her hire will be dedicated to the Lord; it will not be stored or hearded, but her merchandise will supply abundant food and fine clothing for those who dwell before the Lord.
I do like to read the Psalm 119, which says for example in verse 173: Let thy hand be ready to help me, for I have chosen thy precepts.
and: I long for thy salvation, O Lord, and thy law is my delight…
God bless you! And your family, Marguerite
Hi Jessica!
I don’t know if you’ll see my comment since I’ve happened across your article months after you posted it, but I just wanted to say you really got me thinking.
I’ll admit, I’ve had thoughts along the lines of wearing only dresses and skirts is legalistic. For me this stemmed from my childhood, I wore pants to church but when I visited my grandma I wasn’t allowed to go with her to church unless I wore a skirt. This created a lot of tension and made it so I adamantly didn’t like skirts or dresses at all for a few years. I can understand it was the social norm at her church, but how the situation was handled just didn’t sit right with me even as a young child.
Now that I’m entering young adulthood I’ve started wearing more dresses and skirts (I feel much more feminine that way!), but I do still wear pants (phasing out jeans in favor of loose linen pants and culottes which I consider to still be modest). But I can definitely see how making someone not wear dresses and skirts is legalistic, but I do believe that works vice versa. And that vicious ability to judge others has already seeped in even with my mild-to-moderate changes in attire (I can’t stand shorts anymore, and don’t even get me started on crop tops, and I definitely had to battle my own judgmentalness).
Thank you for helping me consider a different view! I’m new to being an adult, and forming my own beliefs and views, and I think understanding (and following) biblical femininity can be especially difficult in my age range nowadays.
Hi Jessica, thank you for making me consider a different view.
For years I did consider wearing only dresses and skirts to be legalistic, and that stems back from an event in my childhood.
Now that I’m a young adult and in college I’ve started wearing dresses and skirts again, and I am phasing jeans out in favor of loose linen pants and culottes. I still think pants can be modest, but I don’t think it’s legalistic to not wear pants anymore.
I really appreciate your view, and it definitely got me thinking about my own.
Thanks for sharing your experience, Kaleigh! (I noticed you left two similar comments, but since you said some different things in each, I decided to publish both.)
I’m glad to hear that my article helped you see a different viewpoint. I enjoyed hearing yours!
~Jessica