You know that persistent tug on your heart, that uncomfortable nudging that won’t let up? From a place deep within, you feel that children are precious and that God created you for this — for childbearing. In fact, the biology of your body very obviously points to that role. Perhaps you’ve studied the Scriptures and you are aware of what they say about the eternal value of children and how they are a reward given to us by God on purpose, not a burden we acquire by chance. Maybe you’re ready to surrender yourself to Jesus’ Lordship in this area of your life, but . . . your husband isn’t so sure. (Start your study here, if you still aren’t so sure, either.)
What if your husband doesn’t share your conviction about letting God control how many children you have? That is a tough place to be in, and I have heard from more than one woman wanting to get some good advice on what to do. The following list contains advice that I have read from authors I respect. It is also based on my own observations and personal experience and is as true to the Bible as possible, in my opinion.
Some Suggestions
1. Read the Bible every day. It’s important for us to know God’s will and to know it for sure; we can’t do this if we’re not in His Word daily (or at least as often as we have time throughout the week). We can only be confident that we are doing what’s right, and that we believe in the right things, when we are completely saturated with the truth of God’s Word. Then we will be able to share it gently with others, if God presents an opportunity. And remember, you’re not reading God’s Word to get ammunition against your husband, as if this were a battle to be fought with Bible verses. Yes, you need to know what it says about having children, and you will most likely want to share what you learn with your husband; but, you’re mainly reading it to help sustain you in your walk with the Lord.
2. Pray. God says in Proverbs 21:1 that “The king’s heart is in the hand of the Lord, as the rivers of water: He turneth it withersoever He will.” God is capable of turning other people’s hearts in the right direction, in His timing. We need to keep praying lovingly for them. And while we’re doing so, let’s not forget to pray for God to help us with our own faults. Humbleness is essential. I saw my own husband turn from being a non-Christian who thought he didn’t need “religion” to the living God in surrender. This was after I gave up talking to him about Christ and resorted to prayer, instead. I’m sure there were other people praying for him, too. Then, when the answer finally came, though it took some time in preparation, it was with a quick and solid sureness that convinced me it could only have been the hand of God.
3. Talk respectfully with your husband about your feelings. Submit to him where possible. Analyze what it is that you feel and why you feel that way. Can you put a name to it? For example, I used to feel very hurt when my husband would want intimacy but did not want that intimacy to lead to a baby. After reading something another lady had written in a book about having children, I was finally able to explain my feelings in a way that was clear. I told my husband: “When you want to be intimate but don’t want that intimacy to lead to a baby, that makes me feel like you’re rejecting me as a woman. I can’t help that God made me this way — with ovaries and a womb. God made me to be healthy and fertile. When you don’t want to have a baby with me, I feel like you’re saying that you don’t accept me the way I am. That hurts me.”
You can try something similar. Say, “When you _____ (name a specific action) I feel _____.” Try and avoid interpreting the other person’s motive. Just state how you feel about the action. Focusing on a fact (the action performed) and putting a name to what it caused you to feel in that moment (your instant, natural, instinctive response) will help lead the discussion away from unhelpful name-calling and blaming. It will help lead the discussion into a constructive observation of cause and effect. You are not accusing; you are communicating facts.
Calm, honest, and respectful communication is very important. Your husband may not be aware that you feel a certain way unless you open up and tell him. However, telling him how you feel may not instantly lead to change. Be prepared for the possibility that even after you have bared your soul, your husband may not agree with your desire to leave how many children you have up to the Lord. Ask God to help you be patient. It’s important for you to respect your husband in his position as head of the family; how to do that while disagreeing about family planning is what this article is all about.
Though God says that the husband is the head of the wife and that the wife should submit to her husband in everything (Eph. 5:23-24), obviously this would not include submitting to something that breaks the Ten Commandments or is un-natural/perverted. But, in all other things related to his own family, the husband has been given authority by God to make the final decision.
Depending on what the situation is (and we will address specifics in a moment), you may decide to stand firmly on your conviction and refuse to do certain things, or you may choose to compromise with your husband and go soft on certain issues out of respect for his wishes, and perhaps even out of a desire to keep your marriage intact. But even in the case of an un-ideal situation, things are not hopeless!
We know that God can turn the heart of the king wherever He wants; the Bible also tells us, “By long forbearing is a prince persuaded, and a soft tongue breaketh the bone” (Proverbs 25:15). Long forebearing (waiting patiently for a change while continuing to pray) and a soft tongue (speaking gently and kindly) can be powerful persuaders.
A gentle, respectful wife has more influence than she may realize, according to 1 Peter 3:1-6.
“Likewise, ye wives, be in subjection to your own husbands; that, if any obey not the word, they also may WITHOUT THE WORD be won by the conversation [conduct/behavior] of the wives; While they behold your chaste conversation coupled with fear.“
A Few Exceptions to Submission
Hormonal Birth Control
If we are talking about submitting to hormonal birth control, it seems to me that it would be best to stop using it right away in order to make sure you didn’t harm any new baby that might be conceived (this method has a failure rate, just as other methods do, and a new baby could be conceived without your being aware of it). Hormonal birth control methods such as the Pill, the IUD, the Depo-Provera injection, etc. can cause early, undetected abortions. Even if we don’t know for sure that it’s happening, we are still responsible for taking a risk with another person’s life, and I don’t believe that’s acceptable.
For more information, see the following resources:
-Article from American Life League: Contraception (Short, easy-to-understand explanation of how the Pill and other hormonal contraceptives work.)
-Book by Randy Alcorn: Does the Birth Control Pill Cause Abortions? (The book is $3, but if you scroll to the bottom of the page, you will see a FREE full-length PDF option.)
-Podcast from Relevant Radio: My wife has an IUD (intrauterine device) and won’t get rid of it (This short podcast gives advice to a husband who has a wife who wants to use hormonal birth control; but, it could also be relevant for a wife who has a husband who wants her to use hormonal birth control.)
Hormonal birth control is literally life-threatening for a tiny baby just conceived and can’t be submitted to in good conscience.
Abortion in any form, whether surgical or chemical, is wrong. New human life is not ours to play with; it is a gift from God, and it is up to Him — and only Him — to decide who lives and who dies. Yes, He has given civil judges the authority to sentence criminals with capital punishment, but that is entirely different: criminals are guilty and derserve to be punished, whereas babies are innocent and have committed no crime worthy of death. Never submit to abortion, whether surgical or chemical — and hormonal birth control can be considered chemical abortion if an early, undetected pregnancy has occurred and the chemicals have kept the baby from implanting in the uterus, thereby causing the baby’s death.
Sterilization
Though the Bible says your body belongs to your husband and to give your husband his due (1 Corinthians 7:1-5), this is speaking of normal sex. It is not speaking of allowing your husband to pressure you into permanently damaging and mutilating your body. If he wants to sterilize himself, that’s out of your control (though you can talk gently to him about it, and you can always pray — prayer can be powerful). However, there is no command in the Bible that says to allow your husband to force you, or to convince you, to harm your own body. That could very well fall within the category of physical abuse.
If your husband were to die and you were to remarry, you would want to be able to bear children for your new husband in order to carry on his family line. In the Bible, carrying on the family line is important. Doing something that would cut off your ability to help your husband do so is not biblical.
What about barrier methods, withdrawal, and Natural Family Planning?
I’ll be talking about Natural Family Planning (NFP) in a minute, but let’s take a look at the other methods. So far, we’ve covered hormonal birth control and sterilization, which I’ve said are birth control methods that I don’t believe should be submitted to. But what about other methods?
Well, I will tell you what I would do, but on this issue I don’t feel as sure as I do about hormonal birth control and sterilization. So, please keep in mind that the following statements (between asterisks) are my personal feelings but are not meant to be taken as advice.
***
If it were me, I would never let my husband have sex with me if he wanted to use a condom. In fact, I once told him (half jokingly) that I would slap him if he ever tried it. I don’t want to feel I’m being treated as a prostitute. I’m not Julia Roberts in Pretty Woman — I’m his wife! I would feel dirty and disgusting the whole time, as if I were a sex toy he was using to masturbate with. The same would apply if he wanted me to use a female condom, a diaphragm, a spermicidal sponge, etc. I just wouldn’t do it. It’s so perverted in my mind that I would feel totally degraded.
Furthermore, it seems to me that these barrier methods break apart the sexual act by separating the couple from each other. God meant sex to be unifying. It’s supposed to be a way they become “one flesh” (Genesis 2:24). How can you truly be one flesh with someone you are trying to keep part of yourself back from — when you say, in essence, “I won’t let my sperm touch you. It’s mine to keep back, and I just won’t allow it to mingle with any of your eggs. Either I keep my sperm away from your eggs, or you keep your eggs away from my sperm, but at no time will I allow them to come together and become one flesh. Our bodies can touch, but our fertile body fluids can’t”?
Here is another thing which I feel is equally, or perhaps even more, vile: to have sex while you’re on your period. To derive pleasure from the flow of blood as it helps lubricate the sex act? Only wicked people would take something God designed to bring forth life (sex) and mix it with what symbolizes death (the flow of blood from the body). God said not to do that (Lev. 20:18), so I’m not going to! I love my husband very much and want to be a good wife to him in every way I lawfully can, but I can’t submit to something that is wrong:
“And if a man shall lie with a woman having her sickness [speaking of menstruation], and shall uncover her nakedness; he hath discovered her fountain, and she hath uncovered the fountain of her blood: and both of them shall be cut off from among their people.” Leviticus 20:18
Now the question that rings in my mind is this: If God says that both the man and the woman shall be cut off from their people for having sex during her time of menstruation, then isn’t she also held partly responsible for this action? In this case, it doesn’t appear as if she can justify her action by saying, “I was just submitting to my husband,” because if that were so, why would she be punished as well as he? Using this same reasoning, is it not possible that God might similarly hold not only the man but also the woman guilty if she allows her husband to do certain other depraved things with her sexually?
So, I would refuse to have sex if my husband wanted to do so while I was on my period. This is similar to how I would respond if he wanted me to watch porn with him, have anal or oral sex, manually masturbate him until he spills his seed, whisper nasty things in his ear to excite him, use kinky sex toys, participate in group sex, have an extramarital relationship, submit to violent sex reminiscent of rape . . . and I can’t think of any other depraved actions for the moment, though I’m sure there are plenty.
Most Christians would not think it necessary for a woman to submit to the majority of those things. I, personally, would feel that to give in to them would further my husband’s perversion (if he were that kind of man, though thankfully, he isn’t). I couldn’t take part in those depravities without feeling that I had aided and abetted him in his crimes and contributed to his moral decline, perhaps not with open encouragement, but at least with compliance and cooperation. I would feel guilty and ashamed of myself for participating.
My point is this: If we can agree on the fact that there are certain acts a wife does not need to submit to — should not submit to — it isn’t so hard to take the next step and ask ourselves, Okay, do condoms and other barrier methods fit in that category? To my way of thinking, it’s not such a leap to consider that maybe, they do. Does a wife have the authority to refuse sex to her husband if he wants to use a condom? Some would say not. But does a wife have the authority to refuse sex to her husband if he wants to do any of the perverted things I mentioned above? If your answer was Yes, then you see what I’m saying: How can you say No to those things, but say Yes to condoms? What’s the difference? Where do we draw the line? The Bible says for the wife to submit to her husband in everything (Eph. 5:23-24), but surely all people with common sense know that “everything” doesn’t include perversions. The word “everything” must mean “everything that is natural and does not break the Ten Commandments.” Not sin.
Would my response change if my husband insisted on wearing a condom and said that if I didn’t let him he wouldn’t have sex with me, and I was worried that my constant refusal could lead to his having an affair and/or our getting a divorce? That would be a hard situation to deal with. So, that’s why I want you to take this portion as an expression of my personal feelings but not necessarily as a guide for what you should do. Please pray about this, and try your best to follow what you believe is the Bible’s teaching and the Lord’s leading. I think that the way you deal with this will have a lot to do with the personality your husband has. My husband took the face-slapping comment pretty well; he actually laughed. But other men might become angry. Be wise and have discernment.
***
What about withdrawal? My feelings about it are similar to my feelings about condom use: By using withdrawal you aren’t truly being “one flesh” — you aren’t being completely unified as a couple. Therefore, it can’t be considered as really fitting with God’s design for sex. But, a good thing to remember is that you can control the things that you put into or on your own body; but you cannot very easily control what your husband does with his. I don’t think you should encourage withdrawal as if it were okay, but if your husband decides to use this method of birth control, there’s really nothing you can do except talk respectfully with him about it (Genesis 38 addresses this).
Certain things are worth the battle, while other things are not; sort your battles. If your husband wanted you to perfom unnatural sex, and you always refused, he might get angry enough to leave you. Are you willing to take that stand? God never promised that doing what is right would be easy and pain-free. In fact, Jesus prophesied that following Him would inevitably cause splits in the family (Matt. 10:34-39), though our goal should generally be to live at peace with everyone, if possible (Rom. 12:18). We need to be very careful when deciding which issues to take a stand on, since there is much at risk. On the one hand, it would be cowardly and disloyal to Christ to give in to blatant sin out of fear of being abandoned. Many women have had abortions for that very reason. But, on the other hand, it would be foolish to throw everything away over a hazy matter, or over a matter that is more your husband’s responsibility than yours. He will have to answer to God for how he led his wife and children. I believe you can have peace in the knowledge that as you submit to him in non-perverted ways (but that you nevertheless don’t agree with), or ways that you have little to no control over, the blame will fall upon him.
4. Listen to your husband. Let him share his thoughts freely with you without interrupting him. Respect his opinions and concerns, even if you don’t agree with them. Appreciate his good motives. For example, he may be honestly worried about your health or your emotional well-being because he loves you and cares about you. Maybe not all his motives are based on a selfish form of fear. Appreciate the good you see in him and focus on that; pray for the rest.
5. Suggest an alternative/compromise that is agreeable to both. You could try suggesting NFP (Natural Family Planning) to your husband. He may accept this alternate form of birth control. However, you would have to abstain during your fertile phase, which can be difficult to do sometimes because God created the female to naturally crave sexual intimacy during this time. Though self-discipline is good, God created marriage to fulfill our sexual needs, and having sex when we least feel like it (as in NFP) does not fill that need. Consequently, NFP can create sexual dissatisfaction for the woman, leading to frustration and ultimately, perhaps, to temptation (1 Cor. 7:2-5). So, I only suggest it as a compromise if your husband does not want more children at this time, so that you can continue to respect him while waiting for God to work in his heart.
For more thoughts on why I ultimately disagree with NFP, please see my articles:
Our “Acceptable” Abuse of a Woman’s Needs
Why Natural Family Planning Is Not Biblical
-If you feel it is necessary in order to submit to your husband, here is a good resource for learning how to use NFP successfully, from a Christian (Catholic) perspective: Couple to Couple League International
-Or look up Family of the Americas (familyplanning.net)
-You might also be interested in this book and companion site (it’s not from a Christian perspective, though): Taking Charge of Your Fertility
NFP can be used successfully to either avoid a pregnancy or acheive one, if you are diligent. Though I don’t agree with using NFP to avoid pregnancy, since it is still a form of child rejection, I see it as a better option than other forms of birth control. It is immediately reversible and does not involve chemicals or items that are foreign to the body. It could possibly form a bridge between using other forms of birth control to where you want to be: completely trusting in God. Of course, this subject is something both you and your husband need to talk about and agree upon.
Ask your husband to take responsiblity for deciding when he thinks the right time is to “come together.” He will need to understand how NFP works, and he will need to be able to interpret your signs which you mark on the chart (menstrual cycle, basal body temperature, and mucus quality). Let him know that you will follow his lead, but that you would rather not be the one to make the decision about this. This takes the matter out of your hands and puts it in his. He answers to God for this, not you. Yes, you may be faciliating the process by gathering information about how this works and charting your symptoms; but, this is only information, this is not decision-making. Keep it that way, and I think you will be able to have peace.
6. Have patience. The Christian walk is a journey, and we learn many things along the way — but not all at once. Be patient with God’s work in your husband’s life; God’s not finished with him yet, just as He’s not finished with you, or with me, or with any of us. We’re all growing and maturing, just not all at the same pace and in the same order. Remember how patient God is with each of us and our inconsistencies, weaknesses, and mistakes.
7. Practice self-restraint. This is my weakest point. I’m not very good at keeping my opinions to myself, even when I already know my husband doesn’t agree with me on certain points. I tend to push too hard instead of trusting God. This is an area I’m still growing in, so if you have trouble in this area, too, you’re not alone. Let’s keep on trying to improve! The Bible says that we should trust God while submitting to our husband, and not be afraid (1 Pet. 3:5-6).
8. Show your husband that you are capable. Show him that you are growing in patience with him and the children you already have, that you are a good housewife that can handle a larger family if more children were to come, that you are careful with finances and he can trust you to manage his hard-earned money well, that you are capable of maintaining a clean and orderly home, that you are faithful to him, that you will not neglect him and his needs over other things or people, that you are cheerful and don’t complain when things get hard, etc. It’s important for your husband to know that if he were to agree to have more children, you would be able to handle it. Show him that you can handle the load you currently have, and he may be willing to consider adding more to that load, so to speak. Of course, no one can be perfect at handling all of life’s stresses, and sometimes we certainly do need other people’s help! But, I’m just speaking about how we handle life’s everyday stresses in general.
I hope this list of suggestions proves helpful to you as you navigate the sometimes tricky waters of deciding with your husband how to plan your family. My husband and I have gone on a journey that progressed from using birth control pills, to using NFP, to using nothing and trusting God. This journey took years. Eight children later, we still sometimes have worries about the future, so I can’t say that we’ve grown to the point of perfect faith, though we have more faith than we used to. However, I can say with confidence that throughout this process of learning and growth, God has been a faithful Guide and Support for us. He’s been with us through all of this, and He will be with you, too, if you seek Him and His will with all your heart and wait patiently on Him.
~Jessica
Likewise, ye wives, be in subjection to your own husbands; that, if any obey not the word, they also may without the word be won by the conversation [conduct] of the wives; While they behold your chaste conversation coupled with fear. Whose adorning let it not be that outward adorning of plaiting the hair, and of wearing of gold, or of putting on of apparel; But let it be the hidden man of the heart, in that which is not corruptible, even the ornament of a meek and quiet spirit, which is in the sight of God of great price. For after this manner in the old time the holy women also, who trusted in God, adorned themselves, being in subjection unto their own husbands: Even as Sara obeyed Abraham, calling him lord: whose daughters ye are, as long as ye do well, and are not afraid with any amazement.
1 Peter 3:1-6
I find this comparison of the KJV (above) with the Amplified version (below) very interesting:
In the same way, you wives, be submissive to your own husbands [subordinate, not as inferior, but out of respect for the responsibilities entrusted to husbands and their accountability to God, and so partnering with them] so that even if some do not obey the word [of God], they may be won over [to Christ] without discussion by the godly lives of their wives, when they see your modest and respectful behavior [together with your devotion and appreciation–love your husband, encourage him, and enjoy him as a blessing from God]. Your adornment must not be merely external–with interweaving and elaborate knotting of the hair, and wearing gold jewelry, or [being superficially preoccupied with] dressing in expensive clothes; but let it be [the inner beauty of] the hidden person of the heart, with the imperishable quality and unfading charm of a gentle and peaceful spirit, [one that is calm and self-controlled, not overanxious, but serene and spiritually mature] which is very precious in the sight of God. For in this way in former times the holy women, who hoped in God, used to adorn themselves, being submissive to their own husbands and adapting themselves to them; just as Sarah obeyed Abraham [following him and having regard for him as head of their house], calling him lord. And you have become her daughters if you do what is right without being frightened by any fear [that is, being respectful toward your husband but not giving in to intimidation, nor allowing yourself to be led into sin, nor to be harmed].
A beautiful post about a very difficult and painful situation.
Thank you, Susanne!
~Jessica
Christian couples should not be in this situation but sadly its becoming more and more common. Biblically speaking a wife should submit to her husband even if that means using birth control. Its so vital to marry a christian for this reason (among others of course). But submission to your husband is a command, using or not using birth control isn’t. Tough situation definitely.
Hi, Kevin,
As always, thank you for your helpful input! I agree with you on how important it is to marry a Christian. It’s also important to have honest discussions before you’re married, in order to assess if the other person shares your values. Not all Christians think biblically.
It seems to me that both submission and not using birth control are commands, but that submission takes the higher priority in the case of an unbelieving husband (or a believing husband who is not living according to the Bible), because of what 1 Peter 2:13-3:6 says. So yes, a woman should submit to her husband regarding birth control, as long as it isn’t the hormonal kind.
The reason I say that not using birth control is a command, is based primarily on Genesis 1:28, where God commands Adam and Eve, and all their descendants by extension, to “be fruitful and multiply.” My belief is also based on “what is natural”; in other words, following the pattern for holy sexuality set forth in the Bible. So, just as God designed marriage to be between men and women (not men and men or women and women), and therefore homosexuality is not natural nor biblical, He designed sex to lead to reproduction and obviously did not intend for it to be a sterile act only for the sake of pleasure (basic biology). In order to be consistent, we can’t say that homosexuality is wrong because it is unnatural, then turn around and condone birth control as if it’s okay, even though it too, is unnatural. But, enough said. Though more could certainly be said on the subject, I think you’re familiar with my stance and pretty much agree with it. I just want to clarify this for those reading the comments.
~Jessica
Yeah I’m totally with you on everything you post. I’m so against any kind of birth control was just trying to say I’m not led to say its a command to not use it. I know some couples that say they will have kids just not now (sadly). So they will be fruitful and multiply just not now. The unnatural part you mentioned has truth to it. I’m ready to be with you and say it is a command trust me lol. But for the wife out there that is struggling with a wicked husband who is having her on birth control I just don’t want her thinking she is disobeying God by obeying her husband. All in all I agree with you Jessica :).
Love the condom/prostitute reference, we should never “cheapen” sex.
Thanks, Kevin, that’s exactly what I thought you meant. I appreciate your clarification on that point, and I agree with you that submission is a higher priority than not using birth control, unless we’re speaking of hormonal birth control. I’m glad you took the time to try and encourage the woman who is in the hard situation of having a husband who insists on their using some kind of method. You’re right, I don’t want her to get discouraged, either. My comment was merely to make sure we are on the same page regarding the biblical perspective on the topic. 🙂
~Jessica
Thank you for these thoughts, Jessica!
I wish we could not need any kind of birth control, and let God plan everything, but after a C-section, we have to use NFP even if we don’t exactly want, we must wait some time with the next baby…
That’s a very painful and difficult situation.
Hi, Anna!
Thank you for taking the time to share your experience with us. I understand how difficult that must be for you. Even though, as I said, I don’t think NFP is ideal, I can sympathize with your situation. I really applaud your choice to use NFP instead of hormonal methods!
~Jessica
In part it’s because of your posts about this that a conviction against birth control formed in my heart several years ago when I was still a single teenager. It’s because of this conviction my now fiancé and I were able to discuss this topic early in our relationship and realize we’re completely on the same page ablut being open to all kids God gives us. We even discussed what we could do, if one of us ended up changing our minds due to circumstances becoming difficult. We both think it’s unlikely we personally would come to a different conviction, but in case one of us does, for a while at least, think it’s necessary to stop having kids we have already set up some boundaries we won’t cross under any circumstances – hormonal birth control on the end of wanting to prevent pregnancy and IVF on the end of dealing with potential infertility. I really appreciate the information your posts have given me on these topics and I thank God that my future husband also thinks this is important. I would highly recommend that couples discuss this before getting engaged, because depending on the strength of your conviction, you might consider it to be non-negotiable, but then be “stuck” submitting to someone who sees it differently, if you don’t come to an agreement ahead of time.
All very good advice, Erika!
I was so happy to read about your experience and to know that my posts had, in part, helped you form a biblical conviction on this topic. That’s wonderful! I pray that the Lord continues to guide you and your fiance in following His will for your lives. 🙂
~Jessica
What’s wrong with ivf? :/ what about iui? Or fertility medication ?
Ashley, I recommend this as a starting point into your investigation of IVF, etc.:
https://all.org/learn/ivf/
~Jessica
Erika I agree 100% and I would urge all couples to do as you did. I would add to that a simple principle that if as a couple you are not ready for children then you are not ready for marriage. Because the purpose of marriage and the Godly purpose and result of the intimacy with which marriage (and only marriage) is blessed by God is children.
Kevin I agree with you about the duty of submission, which is why Erika is so right.
This may be a side question, but after enjoying your article, I wanted to ask this: What are your opinions about couples that, in the safety of the mother, need to avoid pregnancy? Natural family planning is an obvious answer, but what if there needs to be no chance of pregnancy at all? I believe that such families come under God’s care and wisely make choices on birth control.
Hi, Sarah,
That’s a good question and one I hope to address in a future article. How nice to hear that you enjoyed my article! It looks to me as if you already have your beliefs on the subject, so I’m not sure why you’re asking my opinion? Unless you just want to compare thoughts? In that case, I think I will wait until I can write up a post, so I don’t take up too much room here. 🙂
~Jessica
I wouldn’t say it was an opinion of mine, more of a reality 🙂 My question was truly genuine. I am completely for babies and God directing the size of families. I guess I find it hard when I read articles that, in intention are helping women to choose children (rather than not), but can sometimes give no other option. We live in this fallen world and ideally all families would have many babies. But, my body is broken, and I can’t carry babies any more without endangering my own life, and that of my unborn child. We wrestled with it for a long time. But, in the end, we believed it was God’s guidance to not pursue having any more babies. It’s heart breaking.
I genuinely wanted your thoughts to see how you approach families that cannot live out the Biblical ideal, and how you would counsel/comfort them.
And I did enjoy your article, because I believe in babies 🙂
Hello, Sarah!
Thank you for your reply. I’m very sorry to hear about the difficulties you have been through. Yes, we do live in a fallen world and our bodies are affected by that. It is a reality which is true for all of us, in one way or another (eventually, we all die, no matter how healthy we may have been previously).
As I said, you pose a good question . . . for a separate article. I certainly do have compassion for situations where the mother’s health is at risk.
I appreciate your kind words about how much you enjoyed my article. 🙂
~Jessica
I too am in a similar marriage to Erika. :). Brian and I were united in our firm conviction that children are BEAUTIFUL, SACRED gifts from the Lord. He designed me bear and nurture children. I don’t know Jessica if you consider LAM “birth control”. It’s the ONLY method I find Godly and acceptable. I feel: “if I conceive while breastfeeding (and I have once already), then so be it.” We REJOICE when He opens my womb to His blessings.
Hi, Courtney,
I’m so encouraged to know that you and your husband are living according to the biblical conviction to accept children as beautiful and sacred gifts from the Lord. I love to hear that you rejoice with the coming of a new child! That is so different from the way a lot of other couples view their God-given fertility. I pray that more and more couples would open their eyes to the truth.
I typically don’t have my first period postpartum until about a year after the birth. Then, I have one or two periods before becoming pregnant again. So, there is always that natural break in between pregnancies, which has caused most of our children to be two years apart, a good distance, in my opinion. Lactation amenorrhea is a God-given, hormonal response to nursing which we couldn’t hinder if we wanted to, unless we were to not nurse consistently or were to stop nursing. So, I believe it is fully within biblical guidelines. I am so thankful that God gave women this gift of natural child-spacing! He is so wise. How nice that we both feel the same.
~Jessica
Jessica, I’m gratified you agree that He would find LAM okay. I DO nurse on-demand and plan on full-term breastfeeding. I didn’t get a period between delivering Sean and conceiving Ruth. I expect this to be the norm for me.
Dear Courtney, I think that God has a distinct plan for each of our lives, so they will not look exactly alike, which is okay. I have known of women who have had children more often than I and that are doing well despite the close spacing. One of my favorite Christian ladies who I look to for inspiration is Jill Rodrigues, who has 13 children (and has had five miscarriages: https://rodriguesfamilyministries.com/ She is just a few years older than I and has obviously had less space between children, but God has enabled her, through the power of Jesus Christ Who strengthens us in our weakness, to raise up these children along with her husband. And just like her, there are other women who are doing the same. Isn’t that wonderful?
~Jessica
Yes it is Jessica! I’m greatful He has blessed me twice so quickly (I have a 20 month old and 2 month old). I’m ALSO gratified He trusts me to raise soldiers in His army of Godliness. I’m 25 so hopefully I have 15-20 more years of childbearing left in me.
My last two pregnancies have like Jessica followed my second period after breastfeeding. But my first two just happened – I mean I didn’t have a period and was still feeding all be it not very regularly. So I don’t know what to draw from this except that God has his own plans !
Same here Susanne! :D. Conceived Ruth while nursing my (then) 9-month old son Sean without getting my period at all. BTW: Ruth is 2 months and Sean is 20 months old, they are happily tandeming.
Congratulations Courtney – truly a blessing. Wonderful to be able to feed in tandem !
Hi Courtney – I think that it is beautiful that you and your husband look forward to many childbearing years and to glorifying God in raising the family he has planned for you. I hope that you are blessed many times. I wish I were your age !
Thank you so much Susanne! I’ve thoroughly enjoyed being pregnant and being a mother!! It sounds weird, but I kinda miss being pregnant.
I am sure that you will be again soon !
It seems this subject will have varying and differing viewpoints, thoughts, and ideas. I appreciate your kind responses to the ladies who are commenting on your post. My first baby died shortly after birth and so it took alot of faith to have another baby. It was a challenge to be nursing my second baby and be pregnant with my third baby and fighting the nausea that comes with it. Although nursing on demand and nursing long are not “birth control methods” for me I am thankful to have children close in age. A two year space can be nice but I’m so glad to have little ones closer than that in age even if it’s one crazy chaotic life😀
Dear Teann,
Thank you for taking the time to leave a comment. I feel honored that you trust us enough to share such sensitive information with us. I am so very sorry about the loss of your first baby.
How nice to hear that you have two little ones. As challenging is it was and is, I’m sure you must feel that all the challenges were worth it. What wonderful faith and commitment to the Lord you have shown in your willingness to allow Him to send you those precious children!
I don’t really use nursing as “birth control,” either; I just trust God’s design for my body to give a natural space between children, which will, of course, vary from woman to woman.
In my experience, things do not always stay crazy. Life has seasons, and none of them last. Things might feel crazy for awhile, and we wonder, “When will this ever end?” But then it ends before we’ve even realized it. If we make decisions based on how we feel in the moment, we will do things we regret later. Better to just get through the challenges while keeping our eyes on the goal, telling ourselves, “This won’t last forever,” and “I can DO this, with God’s help.” And smiling a lot helps, too. It is really an attitude helper. So, even though you said that you’re glad to have your children close together–and I’m so happy you are! what an encouragement!–I just want to give you a little boost for those days when you may feel overwhelmed (which happens with us moms, right?).
So nice to hear from you!
~Jessica
What a rollercoaster of emotions and a truly beautiful testament to your faith in Our Lord Christ though the hardest of times.
Teann, I’m incredibly sorry you had to,send your baby to be with God before you were ready. I too have 2 tandeming nurslings Close in age. (18 months apart). It’s hectic, but in the GREATEST way.
Having suffered a period of infertility (for no identifiable reason) between our 3rd and 4th child, nothing compared with the experience of some desperate to be mothers I can say with certainty that fertility, however frequent, whether delayed through breastfeeding or bringing conception fast on the heals of a feeding baby is always a blessing from God for which we should be truly thankful.
A heart-felt Yes! to that, Susanne! That is a wonderful perspective to have.
~Jessica
Thanks Jessica and Courtney and Susann for your beautiful words. I actually have more then 2 living children…I was saying how my first 3 pregnancies were, close together, etc. I was also trying to indicate that I also know how it is to have a 2 year space😁 My comment was a riddle perhaps 🤔
Okay, thanks, Teann, for clarifying that for us. 🙂
How many children do you have? What are their ages? And are things still crazy chaotic, or have they settled down some since then? If you have any good advice for mothers with children spaced closely together, please do share!
~Jessica
Advice? Marry a good Godly man that loves children, is a good Daddy, and gives direction in child training-like I did!
An extremely sick pregnant wife and severe postpartum depression issues can be factors in not being able to Mother your children well or make it impractical to have a large family even if that’s your desire! Some people might not agree with me. That’s fine. I believe God knows our desires and attitudes. And the main thing is that we can stand with a clear conscience before God…
Hi again, Teann!
I agree with your advice about looking for a godly man to marry who loves children and will help with child training. Thanks for that!
Are there any practical thoughts you would like to share on dealing with the craziness of having children spaced closely together? That’s mainly what I was asking about, though I certainly appreciate what you said about needing a good husband. I also noticed that you didn’t answer my other questions. If you felt they were too personal, I’m sorry for that. I was just hoping that some of the other women reading the comments might find some encouragement in reading about your experience with children. 🙂
Yeah, I think we respectfully disagree about birth control and the challenges of pregnancy. Of course, the point of my post was how to respond to a husband’s wish to use birth control with a reverent and submissive attitude, so I do acknowledge that it may be necessary to use birth control in order to submit to his wishes. Sometimes, a husband will believe that the best way to help his wife is by asking her to use birth control, out of genuine concern for her well being. Yes, that happens, and I hope my post will help women in such situations.
However, I must say that apart from the submission subject, the main issue with having children isn’t whether it’s practical or not–it’s whether it’s what the Bible teaches we should do. If (and you may disagree, and as you said, that’s okay) children are gifts from God that He means for us to accept unconditionally, then it doesn’t matter whether it’s practical to do so; it’s a matter of obedience and must be submitted to (what I refer to as the “surrendered womb”). In that case, we must find a way to do His will, no matter how hard. Obedience in any area of the Christian life is not always practical; but it is eternity that we are considering. I know of women who have persevered in receiving children from the Lord despite extreme hardship. I believe that they would say that every child was worth the sacrifice. Of course, if our health is at risk, we must seek medical help in addressing the problem. But, my belief is that we do not have to give up our fertility to do so.
Thank you for taking the time to comment on this important subject, even though you suspected I might disagree with you on some things. 🙂
~Jessica
Hi Jessica, I know you were asking Teann, but here’s my .02 on close child-spacing: enlist the help of your husband in things that he’s able to help with, allowing you to devote attention to your children. I have a brand-new infant, AND a quickly growing toddler. Brian is great for doing housework and other tasks, like entertaining Sean, while I deal with Ruth. Of course Sean frequently needs mommy too.
Thanks, Courtney! I think those tips are perfect! My husband has often been a help to me in the way you mentioned. Now that some of my childre are older, they are able to help, too. It’s funny, but I’ve found that the more children I have, the more help I get! It’s actually opposite to how many people seem to perceive it, as if having more children means a ton more work. It does mean more work, but the work gets spread around; in other words, we all help, according to each person’s abilities, so that taking care of the house and family is not a heavy burden on anybody. I try to keep it fair.
~Jessica
Sharing numbers and ages is “too personal” for me, yes 😀
As far as practical tips, I am always interested in hearing different ways as well. With the ever changing ages and stages of children so we need to adapt/change as well. …Where somebody lives, your husband’s occupation, etc. , family support (or lack of it!) can all have a factor as well…
But I can share a few thoughts for what they are worth… Write and keep lists! Have a written plan for the next
day (eg: wash bed sheets, bake cookies, schedule dental appointment). Have a meal plan (eg: every Wednesday evening you will have pasta for dinner). When you see you are low on something immediately write it on your grocery list. Keep a list of clothing you will need to get for your children. Write down things you need to discuss with your husband (unless you can remember at 9:00 p.m. that “Sammy” said something very “mature” that day at 10:30a.m.) Do laundry 4 days a week (not every day! I like the “break!” ) Desserts might be for Sunday only. Cleaning day can be on Friday (Week 1: clean the bedrooms and living room. Week 2: clean the kitchen and laundry room. Clean bathrooms more often and other quick more daily cleaning chores like sweeping or vaccumming the main floors). But like a Mom of 12 said the important thing is that children are fed and clothed. Ensure you take time to read and play with your children and treasure them as the treasures they are! None of us are promised another day with them. They are God’s. They are only entrusted to us from Him💗
Hello, Teann,
Thanks for sharing with us your suggestions! They look very helpful. I totally agree with you that it’s important to take time to do things with our children, since they are treasures and are God’s and He has trusted us with them.
~Jessica
Hello Jessica! I just want to mention another form of least talked about birth control. That is permanent such as having an elective tubal ligation. I am a 62 year old who had one when I was only 23 because my husband pressured me after our second child. Sixteen years into that marriage, it failed due to my husband’s profession of homosexuality and him leaving the children and I for a male partner. I was so torn that I vowed to become a nun and thus pursued that direction. But God had other plans for me. He wanted to heal me and brought a wonderful Godly man into my life. After we married, both my husband and I grieved the reality that we could not have a beautiful baby together of our own. It was very painful and I regretted having the tubal ligation. I went through a period of deep pain and emotional struggle. God has blessed us in many ways and I am now a grandmother, but that even now I think sometimes how nice it would have been if my now husband of 13 years and I could have had a child together.
Hello, Cynthia,
It was good to hear your perspective on this. Yes, I had forgotten to mention the permanent form of birth control in my post, and I think I will go back and add a little something in there about that.
You made some very good points. I agree with your feeling that having a sterilization can lead to regret–and in your case, you were still so young! I’m truly sorry to hear about all the pain and hardship you went through. But, I’m glad to know that you were able to meet and marry a godly man. 🙂
For those young mothers who are considering sterilization, my advice would be along the lines of what I commented to Teann about getting through the challenges with an “I can do this” attitude, since the hard times don’t last forever. I would also advise not giving into pressure from other people–including one’s husband–to do something that permanently damages our bodies. It is not recommendable, in my opinion, to agree to what is essentially physical abuse/mutilation (not with noticeable bruises and scars, but with sometimes irreversible inner body damage). I don’t think a woman needs to submit to that. That may sound dramatic to some people, but after much time considering it (years, actually), that’s the conclusion I’ve come to. Of course, if one has been pressured to agree to sterilization in the past, the Christian response should be forgiveness, as I’m sure you agree with.
It is so nice to hear from someone with years of life experience which you can share with us! Thank you!
~Jessica
Jessica – I agree with you. Submission is the duty of every wife, but it cannot extend to mutilation which is what sterilisation is.
Hi Jessica, what a great article! It is so sad that so many have to go through that. I have always said I would never marry a man who wanted me on birth control. That was a make it or break it area for me. One of the things I love so much about my boyfriend is that he is vehemently against birth control of any kind. We’ve had many long conversations about why we both feel it is so wrong. I’m so thankful and blessed, and I don’t take it for granted! I’m in my early 20’s, so one running joke we have is that after we marry, we’re going to have twenty kids. 🙂 I’m so thankful my mom instilled in me from a young age to never do birth control.
Elisa, its WONDERFUL you found a Godly partner! I’m DEFINITELY His hope you have those 20 kids! Go for it!
Thank you so much Courtney! I sure will! 🙂
Well done your mother ! Well done your future husband and well done you !
Thank you Susanne! They are both so amazing!
Hi, Elisa, thank you! I am so happy to hear that you and your boyfriend have discussed this and both agree on it for when you get married. How impressed I was to know that you are following your mom’s teaching, in your early 20’s! I hope my children will do the same.
~Jessica
Thank you Jessica! I am so excited! I am really blessed and grateful. It’s interesting because it was a belief he did not grow up with. He came to believe in trusting God for family size sometime in his mid 20s, I think (he’s almost 28 now). He said he had to ask himself whether he would have two kids with the best of everything or six kids or more with not as much stuff. He said the obvious answer was lots of kids because they have more impact for God’s kingdom and are such a blessing. He really is so awesome!
Elisa, he sounds PERFECT! 🙂 How old are you? Have you decided when you are getting married?
That is just awesome, Elisa! How neat that God worked in your future husband’s heart in that way!
~Jessica
This is such a hard situation. It’s interesting, too, that it’s not just in Christian culture. I often see non-Christian wives telling their husbands that they want “just one more child,” and the husband refuses, and the wife has to live with that pain. So much for the female empowerment that birth control was supposed to bring.
I’m thankful that this is one situation I’ve never had to face, simply because in our house, the situation was reversed (husband believed contraception was wrong while I was the one pushing for him to get a vasectomy). Thankfully he kept it very calm and neutral while I fumed, and eventually I got on board. (Took seven years, but I got there.) Now we’re agreed on welcoming however many children the Lord sends – and while it’s a hard road, it’s a good one.
Thanks for this article – I think it will be shared a lot. Usually it’s the husband who isn’t on board!!
Diana
P.S. I was listening to the Patrick Madrid show on Catholic radio last month and he addressed a husband who wanted to be open to life, but whose wife was blatantly rebellious and was using, I think, an IUD. He gave very good advice. I wish I could find the link, but I can’t!
Here it is:
https://relevantradio.com/2020/11/my-wife-has-an-iud-intrauterine-device-and-wont-get-rid-of-it/
You’re welcome, Diana! I always appreciate your warmhearted comments so much!
Thank you for sharing about how you eventually came to change your mind about having all the children the Lord would send. I love your life story about this, which is so inspirational to me. I haven’t experienced as much hardship as you have during your pregnancies, but when I have my own version of a hard time, you know what I think? “If Diana can do this, I can surely get through this, too!” You probably inspire more people than you know with your story . . .
I listened to the radio clip, and it was great! I’m going to add it to my post. It is such good advice, and could be applied to either the man or the woman in that sort of situation.
And yes, I agree with you that “women’s empowerment” has definitely come up short of what it was supposed to provide, in so many ways.
~Jessica
Another point to remember: if He had wanted us to use birth control, Adam & Eve would’ve used birth control.
I have a question. It’s not intended to start an argument or anything; I just genuinely want to know what you think. If a woman is a Christian and believes as you believe about children, but is married to a man that is abusing the child(ren) they already have, and she cannot yet separate from him, what do you think she should do about the possibility of having more children? What if he even wants more children because he sexually abuses them? I know this is a very extreme thing, but sadly, we live in a world where this happens, even up to parents prostituting their own children. How would you guide a woman in such a terrible situation?
Also, if you were to look at #8 and see that a woman is, in fact, NOT capable of handling more children and is, in fact, NOT keeping up with the challenges she currently faces in looking after her children and home, would you still encourage her to reject birth control? Like, if she is a ball of stress and her children are undisciplined and her house is a mess, would you believe it is still good for them to have more children?
Oh and … this is random but … what if the wife actually doesn’t want intimacy? I mean, ever. If she has no particularly sexual desire, even when she’s fertile. I just wonder this because you noted that NFP feels unnatural to you because it requires the wife to have intimacy only when she least wants it, but what if her sexual desires do not reflect her menstrual cycle, such that she either wants it all the time or never wants it? (I’m actually in the latter category; I have some sort of hormonal issue and literally have no desire for sex at any time during my cycle. We basically already follow your counsel about letting the man take the responsibility because we only ever have intimacy when he wants it.)
By the way, I really appreciate your comments about sex during menstruation. I really don’t understand those that do this, because what a mess! We actually did do it a few times early in our marriage, but we had to have a towel on the bed in case of blood spilling, and that’s just gross. We stopped. Even from a non-biblical perspective, it’s really not worth it. But we didn’t think of it in the sense of the symbolism (life and death mixing), and I like that perspective. I’m going to share that with him. Thank you!
Keep the faith, sister! May your family have health and peace. 🙂
Hi, Amanda,
So, if a woman is living with a man who is abusing their children, and she cannot separate from him, my question is WHY NOT? I don’t think we would even have to address the issue of whether or not she should have more children with him, if we first took care of the primary, fundamental issue of what she should be doing about the abuse that is already happening. She needs to report it to the police.
If a woman is having trouble keeping up with her children and household duties (your next scenario), she needs to ask for God’s help with that. The answer is not a rejection of life; it is learning how to deal with life. Sometimes other people need to step in and offer their help. That, after all, is what God wants Christians to do for each other.
Next scenario. Yes, people vary in their sexual drives. The example I give in my article about having an increased desire for intimacy during the fertile time of the month is, I think, typical of the general population. I agree with you that a woman should follow the lead of her husband. However, NFP is still wrong, no matter how much one may or may not desire sex at the fertile time, because it is an on-purpose rejection of new life. “Behold, children are a heritage from the Lord, The fruit of the womb is a REWARD” (not burden to be avoided, but gift to be accepted) Psalm 127:3.
Thanks for sharing your thoughts about sex during menstruation. I’m glad we both agree that it’s totally gross!
I enjoyed trying to answer your questions. Thanks for the discussion!
~Jessica