How Can We Express Dissatisfaction in a Healthy Way?

No relationship is perfect: not with our friends, not with our parents, not with our children, and not with our spouse. We may have differences of opinion, moments of frustration, tiredness leading to grumpiness, unrelated stresses that don’t go away but have to be dealt with and affect our relationship, misunderstandings, failed expectations causing disappointment, etc. What about when we have problems with our husband? Must we ignore our feelings by putting on a cheerful face at all times? Should we give vent to those feelings whenever they pop up? Or, is there possibly an in-between alternative that is healthy, honest, and God-honoring all at the same time?

A “Concerned Reader” left this comment for me recently in response to the post How Can I Help My Husband Rejoice that I’m His Wife?:

To Jessica, to those that read/follow this blog, and to those that have commented. Reading this was very difficult for me. Pretending that you are happy is not the same as being happy. Pretending you are happy likely inadvertently reduces opportunities for genuine happiness. As a human being, you should feel and express an array of emotions as they organically occur. Do you not feel a sense of deceit in hiding these experiences and feelings from him? How can he know and therefore truly love YOU, if these parts of you are intentionally omitted? If your husband views less-preferred emotional states as a nuisance, I fear to think how he is fairing [sic] as a father. I see life quite a bit differently than you, and will cease my comments here in respect of that. But from one human to another, from one woman to another, you are a whole person and you should treat yourself as one.

I chose not to publish this comment in the Comments section because the purpose of this blog is to uplift and encourage like-minded women. If we have too much disagreement, instead of creating an environment of support it will create an environment of hostility, which is what I am trying to avoid. For those who would like to know what my Comment Policy is, I have no secrets; please read about them here.

However, I would like to respond to her comment, since I do think the author brought up some points worth noting.

I agree with her that we shouldn’t be fakes by pretending to be happy. God says, “Do not lie to each other” (Colossians. 3:9). Of course, we should do what we can to actually be happy, content, and thankful (Philippians 4:4, 6-8, 11-13) without having to pretend to be.

On the other hand, I think she is beating down a mirage, so to speak, because I don’t really believe the things she seems to think I believe. So, some clarification would be helpful. But let’s not make this about me. Let’s look at this issue in a general way: How should any of us deal with dissatisfaction with our spouse in a healthy way? I have a few thoughts on the topic, though I have not yet in any way “arrived” and am still learning how to have a good marriage. After you read the post, I kindly invite you to share your thoughts in the Comments section. I would love to see some encouraging feedback from you all!

Being a Peacemaker

The first thing we should do is acknowledge that God wants us to live peacefully with each other:

“Let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, since as members of one body you were called to peace. And be thankful.” (Colossians 3:15)

Sometimes, living at peace with others means not showing everything we feel. It means overlooking things that annoy us in order to avoid arguments. We don’t always have to say what we think; it can often be better if we don’t. Unfortunately, I’m not very good at that. I can think of several recent situations when I spoke too soon and too freely, which I regret. Do I regret showing that I had feelings? No, that’s not it. I regret not caring about the other person’s feelings as much as I should have. Living at peace with others involves self-restraint.

Peaceful living also involves patience and forgiveness when dealing with other people’s faults:

“Therefore, as God’s chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity.” (Colossians 3:12-14)

When we choose to bear with–put up with–someone else’s faults, does that mean we are not treating ourselves as “whole people”? I don’t think so; it means that we have humility and love. Putting up with irritations doesn’t necessarily indicate a lack of self-esteem. It is when we have absolute confidence in our great value to God, that we can patiently endure the thoughtlessness of human beings who don’t fully understand or appreciate our value.

So, that concludes the first part of my response: we must be humble and forgiving peacemakers if we want to have good relationships. Overlooking faults in others and putting up with mistreatment doesn’t mean we devalue our own worth.

Now for the next part of my response. There is a way to be all of that, and still be honest about our feelings, when appropriate.

Being Honest

Here are a few tips for expressing our feelings, including feelings of dissatisfaction, in a healthy way. These points focus on how to talk with one’s husband, but they could also apply to other relationships, as well:

1. Think before you speak. This isn’t what I’m best at, I’ll admit. But, we don’t always need to “express an array of emotions as they organically occur.” We should carefully consider whether it would be better to express how we feel or let it go. Even if we choose not to say something at the moment, we can always think it over and come back to that same topic later.
2. Decide on a good time to talk it over. Late at night, when hungry, when the children are bombarding us with their needs, and when guests are coming over are not good times for a heart-to-heart. This works much better as a planned event, though I don’t suggest overplanning, either, or it might never happen! Plan to talk when the kids are all playing nicely outside, or put them to bed early, or have them go to Grandma and Grandpa’s for the evening. Prepare some coffee or tea and sit down peacefully in a place where the two of you can talk privately together without interruption.
3. Be fair. Don’t just talk about you and your needs and feelings. Let your husband talk, too. As a woman, I can be very talkative, sometimes, and I have a tendency to dominate the conversation. My husband will just listen, or maybe pretend that he’s listening while he’s really thinking about something else. If I want this to be a conversation, I need to stop talking part of the time and give him a chance to say what he wants to say. If I pause and leave an empty space, he will most likely jump in. I also need to allow him the freedom to accuse me of being wrong; it goes both ways, right? And if I think about it and realize that I have been wrong, I need to admit it and apologize. I can’t force him to apologize for his faults; but, I can recognize and change my own.
4. Be transparent. Though I do recommend caution and prudence, I don’t advocate glossing over our feelings and “pretending that you are happy” or “hiding these experiences and feelings from him.” In our one-flesh relationship with our husband, we should be able to talk about how we feel. It’s just how we do it that we need to be careful about.

Doing all of those things has helped me improve communication with my husband. I’m still working on it, and probably will always be, but I think I’m doing better than I used to.

In my post on helping my husband rejoice that I’m his wife, I never said to slap on a fake smile and pretend to be happy. I said to be joyful because, well, we should; it’s what God wants us to do (1 Thessalonians 5:16-18). If we want to have a good relationship, we should look for the good and overlook the bad; we should find ways to be genuinely happy with all the wonderful things God has given us in the man we married. Will my husband always respond the way I would like him to? Maybe not. However, I can do my part to be a person who makes it easy to be happy with.

If you have any tips to add on how to express dissatisfaction in a healthy way, I would love to hear them!