I recently finished reading the Psalms and am on my way through Proverbs, where I’m re-discovering some excellent advice on how to be a good wife. In this post, I’m going to focus on just one of Solomon’s wise pearls of wisdom for wives; it’s something that could really be a life-changer for us, if we choose to let it.
The first nine chapters of Proverbs are mostly a father’s advice to his son on how to avoid seductive women (along with other good advice). He says to his son, “For the lips of a strange [immoral] woman drop as an honeycomb, and her mouth is smoother than oil: But her end is bitter as wormwood, sharp as a twoedged sword. Her feet go down to death; her steps take hold on hell” (Proverbs 5:3-5).
She flatters whatever poor fool is willing to fall for her to get what she wants out of him, and pathetically, he thinks he’s getting a great deal. But, the end of it all is destruction. Probably, just as she’s taking advantage of him, he’s also taking selfish advantage of her, and they both end up damaging their lives. In contrast, what does Solomon advise a young man to do if he wants to be wise?
“Drink waters out of thine own cistern, and running waters out of thine own well . . . rejoice with the the wife of thy youth. Let her be as the loving hind and pleasant roe; let her breasts satisy thee at all times; and be thou ravished [enraptured] always with her love.” Proverbs 5:15, 18b-19
So, a young man (or a married man of any age, for that matter!) needs to be content with what he has; he needs to be content with his own wife and not go lusting after other women. If he doesn’t have a wife of his own, he should probably get one in order to avoid burning with lust, as 1 Corinthians 7:9 says. I think we would all agree with that assessment.
But you know what else I realized as I read those verses? Here I am judging the sort of senseless person who would get mixed up with loose women and prostitutes, as if he were the only one to blame for his actions. But doesn’t the wife also have a responsiblity? If she wants to keep her husband’s attention, what kind of wife does she need to be? If she wants him to truly be able to rejoice with her, she might just ask herself if she offers him anything worth rejoicing about!
Here are a few things Solomon says about this “wife of thy youth” that can be instructive to us:
- She is loving.
- She is pleasant.
- She satisfies her husband physically.
- She is ravishing/enrapturing.
- She is obviously joyful, if her husband can be said to “rejoice” with her.
This is the exact opposite of the type of wife mentioned later on in Proverbs 21:19:
“Better to live in a desert than with a quarrelsome and nagging wife.“
I don’t know about you, but those proverbs are convicting to me. I get so used to talking to kids all day long that when my husband comes home, I’m tempted to continue talking to him in the same way, as if he were just another one of my children that needs correction. I’m sure that wouldn’t make him feel respected or like rejoicing with me.
And that’s not the kind of wife I want to be. What I want is for my husband to be drawn toward me and not repelled away from me; I want to be so pleasing and cheerful that he can’t help but be attracted to me.
Of course, we can’t always be peppy, pretty, and passionate. Being pregnant, for example, is simply exhausting for me. I have a hard time taking care of my appearance and don’t necessarily exude a bubbly, fun attitude at all times, either. But, I try.
I laugh at his jokes. I smile at him with love in my eyes. I hug him tightly and thank him for his hard work and all his help. I try to at least look a little like a glowy, pregnant woman, though I usually feel anything but glowy. So, I brush my hair, put moisturizer on my skin, and curl my eyelashes. I wear becoming maternity outfits that make me look and feel feminine. Etc.
Realistically, we can’t control our husbands or anybody else in our lives in order to make them act how we want. We can do our best to please them, but how they respond is up to them. However, we do have the opportunity to make it easy for them to like us and enjoy our company; we can tip the odds in our favor. And I think that’s what Solomon might have said to women if he had written the first portion of Proverbs with them in mind, instead. He might also have said something like this:
Listen, women: If you want to help your husband be faithful to you and totally in love with you, make sure you don’t nag him or argue with him. Don’t treat him like a child. Make sure you respect, honor, and obey him. Make sure you are pleasant and cheerful. Be encouraging and supportive. Be sexy and alluring in private with him. Look your best for him. Take good care of his needs, his children, and his home, as far as you are able. Don’t selfishly demand your own way, but lovingly bend your will to his wants and desires. Having a happy and peaceful home is better than trying to force your opinion, even if you think you’re right and he’s wrong. Fill his ears and his eyes and his arms with so much love that he will be fully satisfied with his choice to make you his wife and will rejoice in the life that he shares with you.
~Jessica
Hello Jessica! I totally agree with everything you say.
It is so important to know our husbands likes and dislikes and work on ourselves, if need be, from there.
One thing I must say is sometimes it is hard. Keeping our husbands attention focused on us and our children most definitely requires prayer and action.
I find that especially when women, even those in our churches, are loose in morals and godliness it makes it a challenge for wives.
I know women who dress promiscuously, act bubbly, and all of a sudden enjoy everything your husband does becuase they are attention seekers. It has happened to me. It seemed I had to work harder to be the apple of my husband’s eye. Thankfully my husband didn’t give them the attention they were seeking.
I have been with my husband since I was 15 and I am 45. We have had a loving relationship but I have had to work and pray a lot.
There are a few women in our church who are “Gaga” over my husband, it is so obvious. It makes for a very uncomfortable situation. It’s been easier not going to church and having to deal with that during Covid LOL
Anyway I am thankful that my husband said to me when I expressed my concern, that those women are not “ladies” and those are the type of women he warned our son against.
So with that being said, it is very important to keep our husbands attention and equally important for men and our sons to know God’s warning against those type of women.
One thing a pastor’s wife said to me was to try to always greet my husband with a smile.
Well thanks for the great post! I enjoyed reading it.
Great input, Rosemarie! I am so thankful you took the time to share your thoughts. Thirty years together with your husband–wow, that’s awesome! I can imagine you’ve learned a lot during that time. My husband works with women at his job, and I sometimes worry that they will try and get his attention; but, I just do my best to trust in his faithfulness and as you said, always greet him with a smile to make him feel happy that he’s got a loving wife waiting for him at home. 🙂
You’re welcome for the post, and thank you for your response to it!
~Jessica
Good post Jessica! That last paragraph was very spot on. Did you have your baby yet? God bless :).
Thanks, Kevin! I appreciate the support. No, the baby hasn’t been born yet, but we’re expecting it any day now. Thanks for asking. 🙂
~Jessica
Oh wow exciting! Praying for your family.
Hope all is well woth tour precious blessing from the Lord! <3
I love this article…thank you so much for the beautiful, biblical truths 💜
Thank you so much, Pamela! Glad you enjoyed it.
~Jessica
I TOTALLY understand the things about pregnancy being a damper on being the type of wife want to be, AND your husband deserves! I’m only carrying baby #2, so I expect this to become a theme in our marriage. One thing I find VERY easy: taking an interest in what’s important to him. For the whole of our relationship (together almost 6 years, married 2-1/2), that’s been religion and God.
Hi, Courtney!
What a good point you made about taking an interest in what’s important to our husbands–yes, that’s a great way to help build the relationship. And I’m glad you can relate to what I shared about being pregnant and how that affects one’s ability to be the type of wife one wants to be.
Thanks!
~Jessica
Agreed! I just want to add that I have experienced the importance of this. My husband is a bit of a weather nerd. I care, of course, if it’s going to hail on my garden or something, but I’m not especially interested in those technical details. Not that it isn’t interesting to a degree (I like science), but it’s pretty low on my priority scale.
On one particular day when I had a lot to do and was feeling a bit stressed, he wanted to show me something related to the weather, and I flatly refused to come look. I frankly stated that it wasn’t important to me. It was obvious that he was hurt and deflated, especially as it had been something that would only take a moment, because he knew I was busy. 🙁
Thanks be to GOD, I later repented and apologized to him, because I realized that I should take the time to care about things that matter to him, even if they are not important to me. That’s what it means to love someone else with self-sacrificing (agape) love.
Thankfully, most things that interest my husband are of interest to me, too. We have a lot of the same/similar likes and interests. GOD paired us well! 🙂
Great points, Amanda! Yes, I agree with you that we should take time to care about what other people care about. It’s sometimes hard for me, too (with my husband and with my children), but it’s what love does.
~Jessica
Very beautiful article encouraging many christian wives who are trying to obey God! I think that many of them will agree with what you shared here.
Thank you for sharing,please take care and may God bless you always!
Thank you very much, Sanae! I’m so glad to hear from you again; please take care, too, and God bless you, as well!
~Jessica
Hi Jessica, I just now saw this post. It was really great; thank you for writing this. It gives young, unmarried women like me some advice that we will be able to apply after we are married! Blessings and prayers for a safe and easy delivery for mama and baby.
Enjoyed your post. It was an encouragement!
One other thought that came to my mind as I read your post, is how the Bible mentions ointment and perfume as being a cause to rejoice…maybe this area could help our husband’s rejoice in us wives as well. Just a thought. 🙂
Ointment and perfume rejoice the heart: Psalm 27:9a
Hi, Amy!
I think that’s a good point. Stacy McDonald talks about that on her blog:
https://commonscentsmom.com/category/bedroom-bonding/
I haven’t actually tried any of her ideas yet, but it’s certainly something to consider.
Thanks! Glad you enjoyed my post!
~Jessica
Thank you for sharing this! I’m a little late in reading it, but I found it to be quite insightful. It is important, when we read the Scriptures, to seek to know how to apply it to our own lives. Sharing what we learn with others is likewise important, not only for those with whom we share, but also to solidify the lesson in our own minds.
I also believe in finding CHRIST in the Scriptures. The Bible likens our relationship with Him to marriage. Are there ways that we can cause our HUSBAND grief and make Him not want to be in our presence, though He still loves us? There most certainly are.
Just think of how often we can complain about the little annoyances of life. Everything that comes into our lives comes by His permission, for if we are “in CHRIST,” then everything that comes to us must first pass through Him. So, when we complain about what He lets happen to us, is it practically any different from nagging our earthly husbands? I firmly believe that harsh words, nagging, complaining, and that sort of thing, makes our hearts and homes a very unpleasant place for the Spirit of GOD to dwell, and even drives the angels right out.
But the good news is … the opposite kind of behaviour will draw the Spirit into our lives and attract angels to our homes, right? Speaking with pleasant words, giving thanks and praise to GOD for everything in our lives, and, of course, obeying Him in all things, will cause Him to rejoice over us, maybe even with singing (Zeph. 3:17)! What a wonderful thought that is!
May you and your new baby be blessed with excellent health. 🙂
Thank you, Amanda, for taking the time to give your feedback. How nice to get another lady’s support for living a life of respectful, biblical womanhood!
~Jessica
Over the weekend we binged watched a few episodes of The Cosby Show because our internet was down. Back in the 80s when I watched this show I thought nothing of Claire Huxitable’s treatment of her husband Cliff. Now seeing it as a married Christian wife, I’m quite annoyed with her. I watched the episode yesterday where she goes off on Sondra’s boyfriend Eldon for making a comment about her “serving” Cliff a couple of coffee. She tells Eldon that she wasn’t “serving” Cliff by bringing him coffee and marriage was 50-50 and blah, blah, blah. And there were other ways throughout the series where she just wasn’t a good example to Christian wives but more to feminists.
Anyway, I liked what you wrote Jessica and it encourages me as an older married woman.
Thanks, Regina!
I remember that Claire was a working wife, and I always thought it interesting how she was apparently able to take care of the needs of their children, be a supportive wife, and maintain a spotless house, all while being a professional in her field. How did she have the time? I think that what is portrayed on the show doesn’t line up with reality. I agree with the thoughts you shared. I recall thinking some of the same things the last time I watched the show.
~Jessica
I understand your intentions and I enjoy your articles and videos. This is so heartbreaking for me to read because I’m not perfect but I tried and my husband and others would tell me how beautiful I am and how sweet and caring. But guess what I just found out after 17years? He’s addicted to porn!!!! And can’t stop so how pretty do you think I feel knowing my husband Christian husband has to struggle NOT to look at other women?!?!?! It wasn’t after having kids it was since he was a kid and I never knew this had a hold on my sweet loving husband. But I noticed he was more and more distant so I’d complain about him always being on his phone. I felt he was keeping another woman from me but his history was always clear he never had a password on his phone he was a master liar . I trusted him and guess what men who watch porn (40-60% of Christian men do) are 400x more likely to have an affair because of the shame cycle. This increases with age btw. I never thought in a million years. So if you get red flags pay attention I don’t care how glowy and sweet you are. And now I have to carry the shame as well of not doing enough to keep my husband happy which is the common response or thought.
Dear Nikki,
My article was meant as general advice; there is not room to address every situation that may come up (porn, an affair, abuse, etc.). I recognize that though we may try very hard to be good wives, our husbands have the freedom to make poor choices.
(From the article): “Realistically, we can’t control our husbands or anybody else in our lives in order to make them act how we want. We can do our best to please them, but how they respond is up to them.”
When we go through difficult seasons, we should be careful to guard against bitterness toward others (husband, other people we don’t think will understand or who we view as having a “perfect” marriage, etc.). Oftentimes, we do not know what other people have gone through. Perhaps I have been through some very trying situations with my own husband, but I don’t talk about them all the time, and I have learned to try and please him DESPITE his past failures? It may be that many women are able to understand you better than you think. 🙂
As I read your comment, my heart was torn for you. I can imagine a large range of emotions you may be experiencing: betrayal, rejection, rage, deeply wounded and hurt, feeling ugly and worthless, frustrated, unbelieving, greatly unsettled, questioning “how God can let this happen to me,” grief over the loss of something special, etc. Those are all normal emotions. Better to feel those things than to feel nothing, to be apathetic!
Your husband was wrong — VERY wrong — and since his addiction started when he was an adolescent, it obviously had nothing to do with you failing him in some way. He has a harmful addiction, similar to a drug or alcohol addiction, and it needs to be dealt with, not ignored (though we can’t force an addict to quit; we can only decide on how WE will behave and react). You obviously still care very much about your marriage.
Some questions that crossed my mind are:
-How did you find out after all these years?
-What steps have you taken as a couple to deal with this? Have you been together to see a licensed counselor?
-How are you doing, personally?
~Jessica
I hope you don’t mind me adding a few thoughts as well, Sister Nikki.
First, as Jessica also pointed out, this has nothing to do with you at all, anymore than if he had been an alcoholic or drug addict. As a former addict (to entertainment, especially gaming), I can tell you that the cause is strictly internal. My husband also was addicted to porn before I met him, too. He now has to be careful just seeing poorly dressed women on Facebook. (There have been times when I had to remove the offending item from his news feed/unfriend someone for him because he didn’t dare look at the screen.)
What many of us don’t realize is our satisfaction in our relationships has less to do with the other person than to do with our satisfaction in our relationship with JESUS. If we have truly found our satisfaction in JESUS, then we will not be addicted to the pleasures of this world (whatever form they come in). We also will not be dependent on our spouse for our sense of self-worth.
What I am trying to get at is that maybe GOD allowed you to find out about your husband’s addiction, as painful as the discovery has been, so that:
1) You can pray more specific prayers for him to help him overcome the sin that is besetting him and rescue his soul from the fire;
2) You can both realize your need to depend wholly upon GOD to satisfy your hearts before your marriage can be whole and pure.
And if I may, even more than counseling (although there is nothing wrong with that at all), I highly, highly recommend fasting and prayer. It is far more powerful than most Christians realize. Seek the LORD’s face with all your hearts. He is the Deliverer and the GOD of all comfort. He can and will pour in the oil of joy and balm of comfort when we surrender ourselves to Him.
May GOD restore your marriage and, even more importantly, your relationships with Him. I am praying for you.
PS:
I wanted to add something that I think is important to understand. I think many women do not realize just how early this problem starts. Sister Jessica, you mentioned him being an adolescent, but Nikki’s word was “kid” and I think she really meant that. I highly doubt that this man because when he was a teenager. It is entirely possible it began even when he was a toddler.
Does that sound amazing? But it isn’t. I think this is the most common case, in fact. My own husband started masturbating when he was very young because his mother, following the common wisdom that is not so wise, insisted that he take his daily nap even though he wasn’t tired. What is a boy to do when he’s not allowed to get out of bed and he’s bored? He finds some way to entertain himself. In many cases, this is when boys discover masturbation. Then, after this continued for a while, still as a young child, my husband discovered his father’s porn magazines. The rest of the story is obvious.
I share this only to make a point. You don’t overcome an addiction that you’ve had for nearly as long as you can remember simply by caring for your wife and wanting to please her. No matter how much you genuinely love your wife, or are attracted to her, it won’t be enough to overcome something that is practically a part of who you are. You may not realize this, but this is actually written into his DNA. I mean that literally (it’s called epigenetics). The good news is that epigenetics can be changed. I’m just saying that nothing short of the power of GOD can do it with something that has been reinforced over his entire life. That’s why I recommended fasting and prayer.
PPS: I meant what I said about praying for you. And your husband. You’re going straight into my prayer binder, in the “Emergency Ward” (for daily, serious prayers). I hope you will come back here and share another comment to update the situation!
I think it is very easy for men to fall into an addiction to pornography, which is so easily available, if they are not taught an awareness of the sin’s it involves and the damage it does at quite an early age. It it pretty clear that most men and teenage boys are drawn to masturbation and if this is allowed to become habitual with no awareness of the sinful nature of the act it is almost certainly going to lead them to pornography.
It has become taboo to suggest that we should teach boys that masturbation is shameful and a sin. But without that knowledge they will not struggle against it and it will become habitual.