I’m subtitling this post: Right Where I Need to Be
I feel as if I always begin my posts the same way: “Life has been busy, and I’m sorry I’ve taken so long to write.” I reply to emails and handwritten letters pretty much the same way. But, despite the redundancy, that’s how I’m going to begin this one . . . yet again! Please let me tell you what God’s been doing in my life lately.
Life has been busy, and as much as I wish I could keep up with a consistent posting schedule, I usually can’t. Nothing new there. Older children need to be conversed with, younger children need to be trained, my husband needs me to consider important matters with him, the house needs to be made reasonably clean and tidy, and meals need to be prepared, etc., etc. In the middle of doing all this, I am sometimes able to sneak in an hour or two to type up something thoughtful that I feel is worth sharing. That’s how it is, that’s how it will probably be for quite some time, and that’s okay.
Recently, our church has been sending out the call for volunteers to serve both in a new, second building they plan on opening soon, and in the building they are already using. This past month in our churh, we have been looking at what the Bible has to say about the topic of serving, and it has been instructive, convicting, and inspirational.
I wish I could volunteer, but as many times as I’ve been over it in my mind, I always come back to the conclusion that it’s just not that time of life for me right now. At this point, I’m in a season of life that requires me to focus all my attention on the needs of my family, which are plentiful and constant. I’ve had to remind myself that,
My family is my ministry and first priority.
How can I be the best wife and mother I can be? How can I keep my own home in good order? I ask myself. This is the way I’m serving the Lord with my time and talents at the present, and even when I’m older and my children have all left home, it will still be a priority, but with a slightly different time configuration. As I age, my husband will continue to need a good wife and a clean, peaceful home. My children will continue to need a mother who is available to help them. But, I may have a little more time to be able to volunteer at church and in other ways in my community. In the meantime, there’s no need to worry about doing more than I can; I’ll leave those things I’m not able to do myself to others. I know God will provide.
We need to live within the circle of the strength we have, the possibilities we have, as well as within the circle of whatever other “wall” hems us in.
Affliction, by Edith Schaeffer, pp. 246-247
The quote above is from a book on the topic of suffering and comes at a point in the last chapter where the author is talking about the need to accept our “finiteness” in whatever situation we find ourselves. Wanting to do more to help people in need but being unable to do so is another form of “affliction” among all the others she talks about in this book. She suggests that when we come to that place of feeling upset at our own limitations, we can pray something like this:
I know I am finite. You made me to be finite, and I cannot do everything; I cannot take care of everybody. Please bring to me the people of Your choice for me to help, and send others to someone else for help. Please send me to the places of Your choice and take others to other places to help. Please give me the wisdom in choice and the strength for what You want me to do. And then let me accept what You give me with thanksgiving and the grace to really receive Your gifts, as well as to be compassionate and ready to help others. [page 246]
Here’s one personal application I took away from what she said (other women might have a different takeaway): In giving us the children God has given us, He has already brought the people into our lives He wants us to help. There is no need to feel guilty about having our own, biological children, as if we were somehow “stealing” time and talent away from other, more needy people and being selfish. No. We can’t help everyone in the world; we can only help those people God brings to us to help, starting with our own family. He has His plan for these children, which only He knows completely. We must simply be faithful to this task.
Sometimes urgent situations require us to care for parents who are ill or extended family who are experiencing an emergency. At other times, a neighbor might need some immediate form of help. In those cases, we can lovingly reach out to them in their time of need, trusting that somehow God will get us through and make everything work out according to His will. These things may take time away from our normal duties, but they are unavoidable and worthy of our efforts.
Here’s something else that is good but that may take a little time away from our normal duties (though not necessarily from our family, since family members can do these things with us): Practicing hospitality. This is always a beautiful way to extend kindness to others around us, in whatever ways are possible in our own situations. Sometimes we may actually be able to go and visit somebody, and at other times we may not be able to visit them in person but can touch them through a loving card or heart-felt email. I have had to do things this way at times, since I have either felt too sick while pregnant or too stressed with a little baby and small children to leave the house on visits.
Yet, however many healthy exceptions there may be to the “my family is my ministry” idea, the general rule remains the same. There is no guilt in doing what we are meant to do — what God’s “best” is for us — even if we have to leave the “good” things for others, at this point in time. Though our church actually did make this point clear, which I’m very thankful for, it nevertheless does me good to remind myself of it.
I think Edith Schaeffer was right: there is a very real affliction involved in wanting to do more but not being able; in feeling restricted, boxed-in, and hand-cuffed. It can be so frustrating to feel so limited and impotent.
For example: I wish I could do more to help end abortion, as many others also wish to do. My heart literally screams out against this great crime against God and humanity. And yet, what can I do? My limitations box me in like an iron cage; I long to break out of it and do something that “really matters,” that would “impact our society in a meaningful way,” before one more baby gets ripped apart limb by limb and one more mother realizes with horror and deep sorrow what she’s done. And the realization that I can do “nothing,” is a real affliction upon my soul. It’s another form of suffering.
In the middle of this inner storm, hope comes in the form of a gentle thought: You ARE doing something.
It’s not nothing to open up my womb to the Lord. It’s not nothing to love the children He chooses to give me with all my mother’s heart. It’s not nothing to raise these children with a knowledge of the truth of the priceless worth of each and every human being. I AM doing what really matters and what can impact our society in a meaningful way — and I’m doing it my own way.
Each and every one of us has to face our limitations — those things we wish we could do but can’t because of pregnancy, having children to care for, an illness or injury, lack of financial possiblilities, location, lack of educational opportunities, etc. It is painful to have to admit and accept that we can’t do all those very important things we long to be able to do. But whatever those things are, we can always do our absolute best with what we have and where we are.
I think that being able to accept where I currently am as my reality, not somebody else’s, has helped me have peace of heart. It also helps me pace myself throughout daily life, because I know how much of myself I can or can’t commit to different projects. Whether that project is volunteering at church, having a regular posting schedule, or anything else on my “wish list,” day-by-day, situation-by-situation submission to God’s will for me today is essential to both my sanity and — how beautiful! — His perfect plan for my life and this world: I’m right where I need to be.
***
- Have you ever had to sacrifice something “good” for something you knew was God’s “best” for your life?
- How do you personally prioritize God, husband, children, extended family, church, and community (what order of priority, practical ideas for managing relationships and expectations , etc.)?
~Jessica
Hello! I can’t tell you how much I appreciate this post. I hope comments are ok.
While I am in a very different ‘season’ of life than you are, I really needed this reminder. I am at an age of transition and my body is trying to adjust. It’s really tough. I had been very sick for years and couldn’t do anything, limited energy, sleeping etc. When I finally got better we found I was plum in the middle to late perimenopause. Now, 3 years later, the ideas I get and fill my plate are exciting and “I want” to do, but God’s plans are different. His are that I learn self-care and start working on my thinking. That I need to take care of myself after all these years and practice doing the things I enjoy.
My husband has agreed that my ministry is first being there for him, doing what I can for our home, taking care of myself and resting when needed (the body and brain are in such transition) and planning and doing fun things with our grown kids and grandkids. As I can, I can do for things for our church and a group I belong to. Those are my ministries, and it’s so easy to want more. To find fulfillment outside the home.
Thanks again for the post.
Hi, Dee!
Yes, comments which are as polite as yours are definitely okay! Thank you for taking the time to comment!
Oh, I’m so glad you could relate to what I shared in my post. It’s so hard to want to do good things but to have a body that won’t let you. I can at least partly relate to that feeling, since every pregnancy I go through feels like my body is betraying me. I feel pretty much incapacitated for nine months straight (multipled by 7, that comes to 5.25 years) . I agree with you that learning self-care is important, because we can’t be there for our husbands and take care of our homes if we’re not doing well.
That reminds me of something. I was reading a book about Teresa of Calcutta (Mother Teresa) not too long ago with the children. When she was first organizing her ministry to the poor of India, she considered not allowing herself or any of her helpers to eat very much food, in order to be able to relate to the poor people they would be helping. But a more experienced sister told her that they needed to eat well, because if they were weak and sickly, how could they help others? I thought that was a good point. Also, Teresa approached her work one person at a time, realizing that she couldn’t help them all. That’s all we really need to do: Focus on the one task God has placed right in front of us, today. I’m glad we can encourage each other in our different, but perhaps at the same time, not so different, situations.
With warm regards :),
~Jessica
Thank you so much! It is so true that when the children are small, and especially if there is a large number of them our time and energy as mothers must be devoted to them. I have learned year by year this truth. And yet I love to reach out in some small way to help others too. I feel it helps me to keep a service minded focus and to remember that there are so many out there that do not have the blessings and advantages I do. Yet I have found those have to be limited or I am distracted from my primary purpose of home and family.
Things you mentioned like sending a letter, card, or email to someone, taking a meal to a sick person or someone who just had a baby, or maybe calling churches to see if they will help sign pro life petitions to get legislation passed… Any small thing that I can do to help on my own terms without a specific schedule or consistent demand. I think it is a blessing to reach out with the children too as they learn to serve others.
But I have realized that the bulk of my community service will have to be when my children are older. Right now I have 8 ages 3 months to 12 and that is full-time job enough. I’m still trying to get everything done in that sphere sufficiently!
I think perhaps we feel so much pressure because modern society does not support mothers. Most women don’t have a lot of children, so it is easy to feel guilty and like we aren’t doing enough because we are home with our children. But as you said they are our responsibility and it is OKAY to limit outside involvement so we can be faithful to minister to those the Lord has put in our hand.
You are a blessing Jessica and I look forward to seeing the other posts you are working on as well. 🙂
Dear Celina,
I just loved reading through all the thoughts you shared! It all sounds so similiar to my own life and way of thinking! How good to be able to understand each other so well. I agree that modern society in general does not support mothers. Mothers in the old days stayed at home most of the time and weren’t expected to be driving kids here and there, etc. Our modern way of life is unnatural and not how people of the past lived, generally speaking. I like to remind myself of that in order to make myself feel better. I think it’s more healthy to have a slower pace of life.
I hope the new baby is doing well and that you’ve recovered sufficiently from the birth!
With Christian love,
~Jessica
Hi,Jessica! I think that many christian ladies feel this struggle you pointed out.
Especially when we see other devoted people doing ‘more’ to other people,serving their church in many ways.Even I knew that there is no need to compare us with others,this struggle sometimes came up to my mind when I was a younger busy mother with a handicapped son.
As you say it is God who gives us what to do.Yes,family is the first ministry.God gave us family to support,take care and help each other,I do believe.
I have had interest and passion in music,learning languages.Now I am blessed to have opportunities to help our worship team and to exchange messages with sincere christian ladies from other counties in English.God uses your passion to make fruits.What we have experienced with our family will never be in vain.
Reading your article strongly against abortion encourages me.
In Japan talking about abortion is very sensitive.But on the other hand abortion is very common.My mother(non christian) had been always against abortion when she was young,but after getting old she changed her mind.For in Japan the way of thinking ‘parenting should be at your own risk and should not bother others’ ‘If your baby in your womb have serious handicap,you should abort’ is not rare.
I was surprised to know that many christians in US are keeping on saying No to abortion so clearly,when I started to read christian blogs in English.Off course we should not judge others.But the fact that many of you still keep such godly values is hope.
Jessica,thank you always for sincere sharing, and please stay to be a blessed homemaker who loves family in God.That is a very testimony to this ‘modern’ world,I guess!
Sanae
Dear Sanae,
How lovely it was to read your comment just now! I can imagine that probably much of your time has been spent caring for your husband, son, and home, and that’s very good!; but, it’s nice to hear that you’ve been blessed with opportunities to help the worship team at your church and exchange messages with Christian ladies in English. How wonderful! I agree with you that God uses our passions to bring forth fruit. I can honestly say that knowing you through our online contact has been a huge blessing in my own life! 🙂
Yes, there are many, many Christians here in the US who are totally against abortion and are trying to do whatever they can to stop it. Our world has changed in many ways, and in others, it has not. People throughout history have often had the viewpoint that babies should be gotten rid of when they are unwanted. But it’s the *truly* Christian, biblical mindset that helps us view babies as valuable human beings, handicapped or not, and that belief compels us to do whatever we can to save them. This is similar to how Christians living during the time of the Roman empire saved babies who had been thrown outside of the city to die. Even those of us who can’t actually adopt unwanted babies or minister outside of abortion clinics, for example, can make an impact just by praying, and that knowledge gives hope. 🙂
Thank you very much for your encouragement. It is very refreshing to be able to talk honestly about these things with you and with the other ladies who have commented!
~Jessica
Fantastic! I wholeheartedly agree and was so encouraged to read these thoughts coming from someone else besides myself. Ha!! The ministry to my family is SO important—it’s exactly where God wants me to be and it is His best. Thank you for the encouragement!
Mrs. Sarah Coller,
I’m sorry to make you wait so long for your comment to be approved! It was really a joy to see it waiting for me, this afternoon! Oh, I’m so glad you can relate to my post. Thank you for your kindhearted remarks! 🙂
~Jessica
Hi Jessica! Your post made me think of the days when my children were home schooled.
My church always had some sort of church cleaning, cooking, women’s group, and extra things going on. I always felt so left out because I could not participate.
One day the pastor and his wife came to see me. The Lord placed it on the pastor to talk to me about my role as wife and mother.
I am so thankful that he did! It was after our talk that I realized my ministry to my husband and children came first. From that day forth I was content with not being able to participate.
From behind the scenes I would keep blank cards & throw away containers. I would bake or cook & send a card of encouragement to others from home. When my husband was done work or if I couldn’t make a meeting that he was able to attend he brought the food with him to share. It was just a way to make me feel part of the church.
This was an excellent post that makes other ladies aware that their ministry begins in the home first & how important that role is.
I am looking forward to your future posts on cleaning & quick meals!
Hi, Rosemarie!
I really enjoyed reading about your home-based ministry of sending out cards and homemade goodies! That is exactly my sort of thing! I’m also really impressed that your pastor and his wife decided to encourage you years ago regarding the priority of your role as wife and mother. That was a very beautiful and helpful gesture on their end.
Your lovely comments are always so much appreciated! Thank you!
~Jessica
Hi, Jessica!
This was a lovely post – in so many ways. And so needed. When I was a new Christian and a new wife, the Christian women’s books that I read always had something along the lines of “make sure that your home and family are taken care of so that you will have time to participate in ministry too!” – which is completely, completely off the mark. Our family IS our ministry – and for those of us with young children and/or larger families, that is all that there is time for for a long period of time. I am there now, as are you! Facing our limitations is very helpful, even though few of us do it with perfect patience.
And, as others have pointed out, adding little home-based extras here and there can also be a very powerful ministry – that is, writing cards and letters or participating in meal ministry.
Thank you for these lovely posts! I’m so sorry I’m so slow to get around to them, but I do get there eventually! 🙂
Diana