Right now, I have a headache, an achy body, and a runny nose. I really don’t like being sick. It’s especially hard when the whole family comes down with the flu, one right after the other — all nine of us. Instead of going to church last week, we stayed home and hibernated.
In a sense, I almost felt like I wasn’t missing much and that I didn’t really want to be there, anyway. I feel guilty admitting that. But before you stop reading this post because it seems to be leading into negativity, hang on. I think that some of us (maybe many, at different times of our lives) have gone through those same emotions.
Within our various churches, there are those of us who struggle with feeling like the only ones who care about dressing modestly; the only ones who are serious about the headcovering issue; the only ones who have allowed God to be sovereign over how many children we have; and the only ones who seem to see the dangers of a decadent culture and the necessity of resisting it. Any hands raised?
Don’t get me wrong. There are many things I love about our church: the strong commitment to Orthodoxy when it comes to basic doctrine, the attention given to the children, the emphasis on the durability of marriage, and the openness to following the lead of the Holy Spirit. I like how they support ministries in needy places. I like the music (for the most part). I like the campus. The people are nice. So, what’s not to like?
Maybe it’s just me. But maybe it’s not. I don’t see many women that seem to be searching for truth in the areas I mentioned above. Or perhaps they are, but they don’t let it lead to real change in their lives. So what I’m really trying to say is: I feel lonely.
Here’s how I wish things could be different:
I wish I could go to church and greet other women who not only know me by name, but know about me and my life, who care to get to know me — who actually want to get to know me! I get tired of feeling like the one, lone, weirdo. The reason why this doesn’t happen is partly my fault: I haven’t searched out any friends. But then, I don’t have much time for that. Because of that, I wish our church were smaller and I could have the chance to get to know other women by talking to them on the one day a week I actually have a chance to leave the house for something other than a doctor’s appointment.
I wish our church would teach the truth about the issues I mentioned above. Even though they say they have a “neutral” stance, it’s not really neutral; it’s more of a “these subjects don’t matter enough for us to teach on them” stance. They don’t think the Bible speaks clearly enough on those topics for anybody to come to any conclusions other than “what works for me and my own life” sort of solutions (situational ethics). How I wish that would change.
I wish that my prayers for change would be answered, but so far I’ve been praying for the people at this church pretty much since we first started going there (seven years ago), and I haven’t seen anything noticeable. That really bums me out.
Okay, enough of my complaining. I think I’ve said enough for you to be able to relate.
I think the main question is not, “Am I happy with my church?” but rather, “How can I fit in with where God (and my husband) have placed me?”
Aha! Yes, that’s the issue we’re really dealing with, here. The “easy” answer of just changing churches is not available to us all, either because there are no other suitable options nearby, or because our husbands have already made the choice for us (and please be assured that I feel no displeasure toward my husband for his decision because I know why he made it, and I don’t know that there really were any other better choices at the time, anyway).
Also, since God wants us to “not forsake the assembling of ourselves together” (Hebrews 10:25), I don’t feel that the answer is ditching church, either. We’re all human . . . and flawed. It may be just as hard for other people to get along with us as it is for us to get along with them. But we have to try, don’t we? We can’t deny that we need each other.
I’ve been considering this concept deeply as of late, since it seems I’ve had more opportunities to be discontent than usual. I won’t get into any more of that, though. What I want to address today is what I believe the answers are to that problem. There are three main ones.
Answer #1 Pray
Nothing is ever going to be exactly how we want it to be. Even we ourselves have not arrived at exactly how we want to be! This is the perfect opportunity for entreating the Lord, interceding on others’ behalf, and giving thanks to God for those things that He’s doing (whether we see them, or not):
“I exhort therefore, that, first of all, supplications, prayers, intercessions, and giving of thanks, be made for all men (1 Timothy 2:1, KJV).”
I once heard that when praying, we should remember to PUSH: Pray Until Something Happens, no matter how long it might take. Perseverance is key.
Answer #2 Be Joyful
This post didn’t start out joyful, I know. But isn’t it true that we need to practice having a thankful and joyful spirit? Our situation may not be what we consider “ideal,” but the Lord knows why we are where we are. He’s doing a mighty work in our hearts and in our lives. We have to grow where we’re planted!
“Let us come before his presence with thanksgiving, and make a joyful noise unto him with psalms (Psalm 95:2, KJV).”
“But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, longsuffering, gentleness, goodness, faith, Meekness, temperance: against such there is no law (Galatians 5:22-23).”
Answer #3 Have a Ministry Mindset
Whatever church we go to, we have to remember that these are our brothers and sisters in Christ! Yes, it may be true that not all of them are true, born-again believers; we can’t always know for sure which are and which aren’t. When God sends His angels to separate the wheat from the tares, then it will be clear (Matthew 13:24-30, 36-43 ). For now, though, I think we have to function upon the assumption that if they’re in church, they’re probably at least searching for answers. Why not gather around those points of unity we can all agree on? And instead of seeing church as a place where we should be ministered to, why not see it as a place where we have the opportunity to minister to others?
Yes, I know that the church is not necessarily a place for unbelievers (seeker-sensitive approach), but for believers, so they can be edified through fellowship and the teaching of the Word (shepherding the flock approach). This is what I’m saying, though: I don’t know about you, but I know that I do way too much inward complaining about how my needs aren’t being served; but what if God has me here because He’s trying to meet the needs of other people — through me!
Maybe He’s trying to use my example to draw others to the truth? I don’t say this in a “look at how great I am” sort of way; I say it in a hopeful sort of way: hopeful that God can use even me.
After writing this post, no, my “church problems” won’t all the sudden disappear, and I won’t all the sudden transform into a woman who no longer experiences any discouragement with her church situation. Let’s be real: I’ll probably have to come back and re-read my own post multiple times just to remind myself of what I’ve “found.”
And I guess that’s another good point: none of us have “arrived,” yet. We’re all works in progress, we all go through difficult times of questioning where we’re at in our lives, and we all struggle with feelings of entitlement and even sometimes of judging others. Am I right? Typically, once we feel like we’ve dealt with those issues, they tend to pop up once again, requiring more humble admission of our need for the Lord’s help. But that’s how the Christian walk is! In this life, we probably won’t ever have all things figured out, or go to just the right church where everything is to our liking. The main thing I believe the Lord wants us to remember, is to
“. . . not be weary in well doing: for in due season we shall reap, if we faint not (Galatians 6:9, KJV).”
We can also
“. . . comfort yourselves together, and edify one another, even as also ye do (1 Thessalonians 5:11).”
*Please feel free to share in the Comments section what you are feeling discouraged about today. How are you learning to deal with those feelings? In what way can I/we help you? What sort of uplifting words do you want to encourage our readers with right now?
~Jessica
I totally understand where you are coming from. I had been in the same church for 19 yrs and my family left. We left because we were all discouraged. Now we are back after being in a different church for a year. I still have no close friends, besides my pastors wife, I am the only one who covers, and the ladies all talk around me. It is very discouraging but I have to remind myself that I do not go to church for anyone but The Lord. It is nice to have this blog to follow as you have been a great encouragement to me and a wonderful friend. I hope you and your family are on the mend. Thanks for the helpful tips and for you honesty! I was beginning to feel I was the only one who got discouraged at times. Blessings, Rosemarie M
Dear Rosemarie,
I want to thank you, too, for your honesty! You’ve got it right: the reason I share some of these “depressing” things is so that other people can be assured that they’re not the only ones who deal with these sort of things. I know that in my own life, knowing I’m not alone helps encourage me to keep going! I’m so thankful that we can uplift and help each other!
Yes, we are all doing much better now, thank you! I hope you and your family are doing well!
~Jessica
Thank you sweet Jessica for sharing your heart with us. My husband and I are at the same place as you, we no longer attend an assembly. I am lonely as well but I am joyful in our situation. I wish we lived closer😀
Hello, Billie!
You’re welcome! How inspiring it is to me to hear that even though you’ve gone through some unpleasant things, you’re still trying your best to be joyful!
Thank you for taking the time to comment on this topic; I really appreciate what you chose to share about your own experience. 🙂
~Jessica
I heard that big churches often have the problem that you mentioned.There are so many people but difficult to find someone to be close.
‘Many members are so busy for church activities that we cannot have enough time just to talk each other’I heard one lady( who belongs to a church which have many attendance)said several years ago.
Yes,we need each other.Even we are not standing in the same stance exactly
so often,Christ believers need each other to go on.I have heard about severe trials of sincere believers I know -their struggling for financal /family problem and sickness.And I also have shared my struggle and problems with other believers.Serious problems discourage and beat us.We cry feeling no way out.
To tell the truth,knowing struggle of sincere christians had made me feel down so often.But we still have a way to pray like you say.What we can do for other’s problem may be so small but still we can pray for them if we know each other.But so sadly in many cases people are apt to hide their struggle even inside the church.
So I am impressed by your frankness always in your writing.I think that God touches someone who need encouragement through your articles and touches your family by your living.Recently I got to feel that what God gives us are also gifts for us to share and help each other.
Jessica,please stay true and God bless you always!
Thank you, Sanae!
I totally agree with you. We do certainly need each other; and, in order to help each other, we need to know each other. Unfortunately, in big churches it’s hard to become closely acquainted with other people. I think that perhaps the answer is to pray for God to bring across our path the people/person HE wants us to talk to, even if it’s just one person. I think that God can work through His people to accomplish His will, even in a big church. We just have to be sensitive to His nudging and willing to reach out to others when the opportunity arises. We might not be able to do anything big for them, but even if it’s something simple, that can still be meaningful.
You are a lovely friend, and I appreciate you and all you write very much! May God bless you always, too!
~Jessica
I get discouraged at times too and it’s so hard being the only ones who have the same views as you shared Jessica. I was thinking as I’m typing this that Christian couples think that birth control is a personal choice but is it a Biblical choice? I don’t think so. Arguments against the woman’s headcovering drive me crazy!
Anyway dear friend, thank you for the tips you wrote. They are very helpful. I really need to have you all over for dinner some time but trying to plan a time is hard. Have a blessed rest of the week!
I knew you would be able to relate, Regina!
It does seem to me that there is some spiritual blindness in our churches, touching certain topics. They’ve let the culture lead them astray, and sadly, there are consequences. However, I have hope that God is in control; this is HIS church, and He will purify it in order to get it ready for the Bridegroom’s coming!
I really appreciate your friendship!
~Jessica
Dear Jessica,
I think that it is very easy sometimes to get discouraged especially when those who are around you, whether church or other gatherings too, don’t seem to appreciate or understand the values that are most important to you. 95% of the time I have found myself standing alone. It is so true that people as a rule don’t really seem to care who I am and how am I REALLY doing. It’s hard sometimes and many times I have gone weeping to my Heavenly Father about these very things.
I believe the suggestions you have given are good. I find when I’m discouraged it’s because I’m thinking of self rather than having a servant heart to bless others. Every time I have found encouragement by reaching out to bless others in some way. Yes, prayer is essential. God is our Wonderful Counselor. We can share anything, yea everything and He will listen and show us how to change our perspective so we can have peace.
Thank you for sharing!
Dear Celina,
It truly is comforting to hear that you have experienced similar feelings. I find that when I think about doing something for others, it gets me away from feeling like a victim of my circumstances, and puts me in a place where I feel bigger than my circumstances (I can’t think of how else to say that, right now). It really is a good feeling, as you mentioned.
Thank you so much for your helpful comments on this topic!
~Jessica
Jessica,
Thank you so much for this post; I, along with you and the others have times of being discouraged, but the Lord is always faithful, isn’t He? He will come alongside and encourage me to persevere, to continue on, to be faithful to the convictions He has led me to. These convictions, like you, modest dressing and headcoverings are things that cannot be hidden! I was sharing with my husband recently that God had reminded me that headcovering, by His intent, is to be a symbol that is visible to everyone looking on. We cannot hide from anyone the fact that we believe in headcoverings! I say this to say that this isolates us from others, because they view us as “different”, which can make us feel lonely. “But we remind ourselves, ” Not unto us, O Lord, Not unto us, but unto Your name give glory!”
and from I Thess. 5:
Rejoice always.
Pray without ceasing.
In everything give thanks, for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus.
With love in Jesus,
Carol
Carol, thank you for the beautiful reminder to focus on the Lord!
Oh, how I understand those feelings of isolation. I don’t want to draw attention to myself, but it can’t be helped because of the nature of the covering, as you point out. When I start to have a pity party, it certainly does help to remind myself why I’m covering: not for myself, but for God, as you put it so clearly. He wants us to be lights, so we’re being lights; a light set on a hill CANNOT BE HID. Yep, that’s us, ha, ha! It may be uncomfortable, but if it brings Him glory, that’s okay!
So nice to have headcovering friends like you!
~Jessica
We live in BC, Canada and we have moved to find fellowship. However when we are in the US we love to visit our brothers and sisters in Missouri at https://www.onefaithonebody.org/ . I encourage anyone serious about following the teachings of Jesus to check them out. The sisters there are all warm and welcoming and I have struck up lifelong friendships in hours. Being referred by friends, we, as strangers, stayed with one family for a week and were so blessed by the close bond we formed. If we were American we would move there in a heartbeat.
It is so hard to be alone. During these times of loneliness I am reminded of the prophet Elijah, he too thought he was alone. And yet he had the best thing, he walked with God.
May His peace be on each of you as you search for closer communion with Him and His people.
Katrina, thank you so much for your encouraging words!
Isn’t it true that we wish we could be around warm, welcoming people ALL the time? I know I do! I guess the loneliness can be a sort of test, to see if we truly do value our walk with God above else . . . ? It stretches our faith and increases our patience, for sure. I’m so glad you can relate to my feelings.
~Jessica
Hope you have recovered from being under the weather Jessica! Oh how this post spoke to me; I so understand not fitting in. At one church we attended (which later split and fizzled) although there were a lot of things I really liked, I received such condemnation for having hip length hair, wearing long skirts and worst of all, wearing RUNNING SHOES WITH SKIRTS. Sigh. I like my hair long. I like long skirts. I walk everywhere so runners are practical. And do such trivial things really matter? But looking back on it, there were some really wonderful, godly people there who accepted me, it was just that the condemnation crowd drowned them out. Which one of us doesn’t hear the negative voices over the quiet positive ones? I would suggest that anyone going through feeling left out or shunned spend a bit of time in prayer about it and ask God to open their eyes and ears to anyone at their church they could fellowship with. If there’s a lot of condemnation, there could be others trying to be invisible. If you have 2 or 3 you can gather with, you’ll be ok, even in the middle of a crowd.
Dear Christine,
I really loved your comment, especially the part about wearing running shoes with skirts, ha, ha! 🙂
Your thoughts on this subject were extremely helpful to me. Thank you so much for taking the time to share them!
~Jessica
So glad to be of help my dear!
Ah, Jessica – what can I say but that I agree completely, with each and every point? I think most ladies who read this blog will know the loneliness of being the only one who holds to all of the convictions we talk about on this blog. We’re used to being the only one at our churches, in our families, in our neighborhoods, in our homeschool groups… it goes on and on. I think it’s hard partly because church is MEANT to be the gathering of like-minded believers. Often it’s not, and often there is a good amount of subtle social bullying and/or ostracism that goes on.
I also agree with the points you mention on finding contentment and focusing on ministry. Additionally, the points you make apply to a variety of situations in which we seek for contentment rather than resentment. I can think of one situation that is really a cause for struggle for me right now in trying to find contentment, and your points really apply.
Thank you for this excellent post.
Diana! I can’t believe I have taken so long to answer your comment! We went on a trip to Mexico, brought back a new puppy, and — wow! how fast time has flown!
I’m so comforted to know that you really understand where I’m coming from. Yes, there seem to be quite a few of us who know what it is to feel lonely amongst people we should be able to have close relationships with. I’m grateful that this very loneliness is something God seems to be using to draw us like-minded ladies together in friendship and support.
You’re welcome for the post! Thank you for being so patient while waiting for my reply! I loved your comment!
~Jessica
Jessica, I felt every word of this post in my heart… as if I could have written it myself!
We attend the church we do for many reasons. It has many good, biblical strengths that other churches sorely lack today. But there are still plenty of areas of Scripture being ignored or, while taught, not emphasized and not truly obeyed. Biblical womanhood is one of those areas: the women’s ministry does not focus on the one list of things that Titus 2 says that older women should be teaching younger women, and frankly teaches anything BUT that. Submission is barely mentioned, much less taught regularly or practically. I am the only one who covers.
Two years ago when I began doing so, I was quaking in my boots! I am a people-pleaser who enjoys fitting in and going with the flow. I was terrified of what people would think– especially that they might think I was judging them for not covering, because I don’t. But my husband’s boldness and praying for me was a huge buoy of strength. In many ways, my worst nightmare came true… people not only noticed, but made jokes. One was even an elder– “Hey, Mary!” he said. He wasn’t being rude, just funny; but for someone of my personality it was embarrassing. A friend made a joke about Islam.
But this journey has been a blessing for me because it has exposed my fear of man. It has brought me face-to-face with the question, “Do I care more about what God thinks, or about what people think?” What my Savior thinks, of course! But why, then, is it not enough to know that HE is pleased? Why do I fall into the fear and anxiety of what others think of me? It has all been very sanctifying and a reminder to turn my face upward, to the One Who loves me most, Whose opinion is the only one that matters. I am sure many women know what I’m talking about.
Thank you for sharing this. <3
Christiana,
It looks like we have had very similar experiences! Wow! Sometimes it seems like it’s just me who goes through these things, but it is very apparent from your comment and from everybody else’s that I’m not!
At one point, someone called me “Mary,” too, ha, ha! And just as in your situation, it was obviously meant to be funny, but at the same time, it was a little disheartening. I don’t wear a head covering to draw attention to myself, but to do the right thing. It doesn’t seem comical or entertaining to me. I wish other people would take me seriously, you know. 🙂
I can totally relate to what you said about all of the hardships on this journey being blessings because they help us see ourselves as we are and help us grow. Absolutely! I, also, have had to face my fear of man. It’s a weakness I still struggle with. But, would I have known I had this problem if it would not have been for head covering, etc.? You’re right in all your conlusions! I heartilly agree with them!
You’re welcome for the post, and thank you for your comment!
Jessica