My husband loves soccer. After getting home from work, if he has the chance he likes to flip open his I-Pad and get comfortable on the couch with a good game racing along in front of him.
I used to get so irritated with him. I used to think I was better than him for “not getting sucked into” the entertainment world. “Why don’t you close that thing and do something meaningful?” I would nag (that was a terrible thing to say, by the way, that I caution you all to definitely avoid). Then he would look up at me patiently. “I’m really tired right now,” he would say. “Let me have a little time to rest.” In response, I would squint my eyes and glare down at him. But, my bad attitude didn’t ever guilt him into doing things my way. No, he just learned to ignore me better.
Conveniently, I didn’t count my own blog reading and YouTube watching as being in the same category; I saw those things as “personal growth stimulators.” However, whenever I would stay up late trying to finish an article I hadn’t had time to read or to write during the day, he would never criticize me. Instead he would give me a welcoming hug when I would finally creep into bed. If on occasion I stayed up past eleven or twelve, he might even come looking for me, gently leading me to bed and telling me that I needed to get some rest. He never nagged me about it. He was never angry with me. He understood how important it was for me to be able to do something I enjoyed and that helped me relax after a rough day with the kids.
The reason he understood me so well . . . wasn’t it because he felt the same way after coming home from a rough day at work? He found soccer games relaxing; I found reading and typing articles relaxing. Was there really that much of a difference? In my mind, there was. But in his mind, there wasn’t. If he could support me, why couldn’t I support him? Again, he never even brought it up; it was my unsettled conscience that reminded me how unjust I was being.
In her book Created to be His Help Meet, Debi Pearl says,
A man will resist with all his might those who come against him. Most women spend their whole married lives in conflict with their husbands, trying to change them. It is a battle of the wills that no woman has ever rightly won, for even if she gets his compliance, she loses his heart, and he loses his self-respect.
While we women tend to reduce everything to the issues of “who is right and what is just,” God authoritatively points us to the real issue–“Whom did I place in charge, and whom did I create to be a help meet?” When a woman resists or tries to change a man, she makes him more stubborn, and her own heart will be filled with bitterness. If a woman obeys God, a man does not have anything to come against, to resist, to dominate, to conquer, or to beat down. A woman’s greatest power is in obeying God through obeying and honoring her husband. When she departs from God’s order, she is setting herself up to create a life of turmoil, bitterness, and defeat–for both of them. [page 258]
I’ve read the book Created to be His Help Meet twice so far, and both times it convicted me of my semi-controlling attitude. For example, Debi says that “When a woman resists or tries to change a man, she makes him more stubborn…” From my own experience, I know that to be true! Nagging and criticizing my husband never made him change, but it did create a wedge between us. I wasn’t honoring my husband by getting on his case for watching soccer games; I was doing the opposite, and in the process, I was actually disobeying God by dishonoring the man He says is in charge of me.
Who was wrong–he or I? Soccer watching didn’t make him a bad man; he was just tired and needed to unwind. On the other hand, scolding my husband did make me a bad woman, a bad help meet. It wasn’t my job to tell him how to live his life. It was only my job to make my life fit into his the best way I could.
What I should have done was bring him his coffee and a snack and sit down next to him.
What I should have done was rub his shoulders and give him a kiss.
What I should have done was let him know how thankful I was for his working ten-plus long hours of hard physical labor–every day. You know, in order to provide for the family so I could stay home and homeschool the children . . . so I could be able to take a nap in the afternoons when I’m pregnant and tired and feel like I just can’t stand up another second . . . so we could pay all the bills and have food to eat. You know, that sort of stuff.
Actually, my husband does help out in meaningful ways every day; especially now that we’re expecting our 7th child, he often cooks meals for the family, puts the children to bed, brushes the littlest ones’ teeth, goes to the grocery store, and buys me treats. He’s such a good man — a really, really good man! He deserves to be appreciated.
How selfish and dim-witted I ‘d been! I literally cried out to God to forgive me for my stupidity. What a great husband I have! Why was I so wound up over a couple of hours in the afternoon watching soccer? If that’s what helps him relax after lifting heavy things all day, so be it!
This is just one example I pulled out of many I could have used to show how I’ve grown, and still continue to grow, as a result of applying God’s word to my life. Doing things God’s way creates peace, and my husband and I are both enjoying a life of tranquility, free from marital turmoil. That’s not to say I’ve got this thing down perfectly; actually, I’m so far from perfect it’s depressing at times. My children could give you a discouraging list of all the ways I’ve not lived up to the Bible. Maybe you can relate. The good thing is, there’s always hope for improvement. . . .
~Jessica
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[By the way, the pregnancy is going well. I’ve gotten over most of the nausea and vomiting I experienced during the first four months. Though I don’t feel as extremely tired as I used to, I do still feel very tired most of the time. Throughout all of my pregnancies, this has been a common experience for me; however, I do feel it more intensely with this one.
My main worries, however, are centered on the upcoming birth. Never a pleasant experience, and it doesn’t get any easier with time. Some people have the misguided notion that women who have had “a lot” of children will somehow just “pop” them out like soap slipping out of one’s hand. Not true; actually, a little insulting. Though I have certainly gained helpful insights about myself and the birthing process through each labor, the fact is that giving birth still requires a huge amount of stretching, both emotionally and literally. My body is not a worn-out rubber band that has gotten loose and floppy from use; to the contrary, it springs back into shape after every birth. Since I know how intense the labor will be, I get a little nervous. I want peace, calm, courage, and a smooth (I always hope for a pain-free) labor.
We are planning on having a water birth at home with the assistance of a midwife (I’ve already had four water births, which I absolutely recommend, since the warm water really does help one relax more). I have never once used pain killers, not even during my first two hospital births; I have always preferred to not interfere with my body’s instinctive birthing “wisdom” (in other words, my body knows how to give birth and doesn’t need much, or any, intervention). I think that trusting in the natural, God-designed process has helped me relax enough to allow labor to progress at it’s optimal pace. I don’t fight labor; I just let it happen. And I know that God has it all in His hands.]
